American Idol results show – all two bloody hours of it!

We’re finally here, the results show! But don’t expect to get the result straight away. Oh no, we’re going to have to sit throught two hours of entertainment before we get there. Oh, brother. They really could knock this out in fifteen minutes max, including commercials.
Randy Jackson wore yet another perfectly horrible jacket, Simon Cowell wore the same clothes as last night and Paula Abdul actually looked pretty. In fact, I’d almost say she was beautiful. You’ve gotta give props to whoever bashed her face into shape, she looked great.

After an awful fun opening song with Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks singing The Beatles’ I Saw Her Standing There, we then had an old clip of Gwen Stefani from Idol Gives Back, plugging her new single. Poor Gwen looked as frozen and botoxed as ever. Hell, she makes Nicole Kidman look animated.

The old Idol winners always get wheeled out in these shows and first up was Kelly Clarkson. At least, I think it was Kelly Clarkson, it could’ve been Kelly Osbourne. Oh dear, Kelly has really put on weight hasn’t she? And what do you do when you’ve put on some weight? That’s right, you pick some hideous outfit that will just emphasise your huge thighs, just like Kelly did. A tight, unforgiving mini-dress with thigh boots was not a good idea. Oops. I love Kelly though, especially when she’s being badass and sassy as she was tonight. She needs to get herself a stylist and personal trainer though, and fast!

The other Idol winners to appear were Carrie Underwood, who always looks like a class act. Reuben Stobbard came on and looked like he was pleased just to be back on TV again. It’s been a while! Last year’s winner, Taylor Hicks also came on and sang a bit, but he was just awful. How the heck did he win last year? If he came on thinking an appearance would help sell some records, I think he miscalculated. Taylor just shuffled about and looked out of place. He even played his harmonica. Did he think he was at a clam bake? The only amusing thing about Taylor was how much he annoyed Simon last year. The joke’s worn off now. Way off.

Ryan Seacrest did some annoying business, giving out Golden Idol awards to some of the more annoying audition losers. The first award was the Best Presentation. The nominees were X-Centric (the pussycat man), Isadora Thurman (the orgasm girl) and Margaret Fowler (who I call the chicken lady as she’s always dressed in bright yellow like a giant chick). The winner was Margaret Fowler and she went on stage to collect her award and jumped on Ryan Seacrest and snogged him. Ryan looked very shaken, after all, he’s not really used to close contact with women. The second Golden Idol award for Most Original Vocal was given to Sholandric Stallworth and the third for Best Buddies was won by Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs. Briggs is the guy who Simon said looked like a bush baby. Bush baby boy said that he’s forgiven Simon now though. After all, he’s gotten a few minutes of fame out of the encounter and he looked very pleased about it.

The top six guys and girls also performed together. The guys came on first and, dressed all in white, sang a Smokey Robinson medley. Blake Lewis, Chris Richardson, Chris Sligh, Phil Stacey, Sanjaya Malakar and Brandon Rogers sang first, then Smokey came on and joined them, but didn’t he look odd? I dunno whether he’s had cosmetic surgery or a medical problem, but there’s definitely something strange going on. He looked as if he never closes his eyes and could barely blink. The top six girls, Melinda Doolittle, LaKisha Jones, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Gina Glockson and Haley Scarnato sang a medley with Gladys Knight. The best bit was when Melinda and LaKisha joined Gladys Knight to sing Midnight Train to Georgia. Now, that’s how you handle a song, ladies.

Two of the eliminated finalists were given a chance to sing a song too. Sanjaya Malakar sang his infamous rendition of The Kinks’ You Really Got Me, recreated with wind machine, crazy hair and even the dumpy stupid crying girl in the audience. Sanjaya was a breath of fresh air among all the rather earnest goings on. Then Melinda Doolittle came on with the Wayans and sang some bullshit Up With Jesus religious song. I know that Melinda is a church girl, but this was really unnecessary and inappropriate. For the first time in weeks, Melinda looked like a backing singer again.

The two finalists sang duets. Blake Lewis sang with Dougie Fresh and they beatboxed their way through some crazy song and jumped about waving their arms. That Blake is such a wigger sometimes. Jordin drew the short straw and had to sing a dreadful duet with Reuben. It was old fashioned and tiresome. And someone should’ve told Reuben that big men shouldn’t wear stripes. It was a bit awkward at the end when Jordin and Reuben attempted to hug. They’ve both got some large belly action going on and they barely managed to meet in the middle.

As if all that wasn’t enough, we had Green Day sing John Lennon’s Working Class Hero, Tony Bennett wheeled back on to sing some old number which I instantly forgot, then Bette Midler sang a totally out of tune Wind Beneath My Wings. Maybe she had a cold or something, but the divine Bette should’ve cancelled or lip-synched as this was truly awful. The previous Idol winners sang a Beatles’ medley (with Taylor Hicks’ atrocious murdering of A Day In The Life being a deliciously awful highlight) and then they were joined by this year’s twelve finalists to sing With A Little Help From My Friends although it was more with a little help from the teleprompter as they obviously didn’t know the words and you could see a huge teleprompter with the lyrics. I mean, how could anyone not know he words to this Beatles’ song?

So anyway, after all that we finally got to the result. Blake and Jordin came on and were joined by Ryan and some guy with a sealed envelope with the winner’s name as I guess Ryan couldn’t be trusted this week to keep his mouth shut. With 74 million votes (and let’s see how many of you in the US bother voting in the upcoming election) Ryan announced that Jordin was this year’s American Idol. Jordin cried, Paula cried, Jordin’s family cried. It all got a bit too group-hug for me. Aw, spare a moment for poor Blake, though he didn’t look too bothered, he was possibly pleased that he didn’t have to sing that hideous winning song again!

Well, that’s it. Another season of American Idol is done and dusted. But look on the bright side, we get to do it all again, starting in January. Can’t wait! Let’s make it a date.