Chace Crawford and Carrie Underwood broke up by text

Former American Idol winner Carrie Underwood turned up to Idol Gives Back and dished about her break-up with the gorgeous Chace Crawford:

"We broke up over text so... it's like 'peace out,'" Carrie told our Terri Seymour. "I don't know why it's all out now," Carrie continued, "when you break up with somebody and then like two months later it comes out, it's like you're rehashing old stuff."

No word on who did the dumping so it seems that she's giving the impression that it was a mutual decision (as if it ever is!) but why would she even talk about this to some hacky reporter and what's wrong with a good old-fashioned bitter face to face break up? Poor Chace! Never mind, If he's feeling blue he knows how to get hold of me for some comforting.

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American Idol - the final ten - The Beatles week part two

Some people have more lives than a cat and one of those people is Kristy Lee Cook. She's been in the bottom every week since the live shows started and she's still managing to stick around despite having little talent and no discernible personality. Plus, she sold her horse to get to her audition. She has no heart! Anyway, after yet another of those hilariously underrehearsed and umcomfortable group medleys, Ryan called the Idol kids over to their seats one by one. Luckily, our favourites were safe: the hormone-popping and lip-moistening David Archuleta, sweaty Austraian jock Michael Johns, "wholesome" Brooke White and a few others that I no longer care about.

That left Carly Smithson, Amanda Overmyer and, of course, the ubiquitous Kristy Lee Cook in the bottom three. I can understand Kristy and Carly being in the bottom three, but Amanda? The three didn't have to go through the torture of singing their songs again though, as the results show was padded out with Kellie Pickler singing her "Red High Heels" song and footage of Fantasia Barrino and Elliot Yamin in Africa.

Ryan told Carly that she was safe and Carly totally overacted with this big "are you kidding me?" routine. I'm liking her less and less each week, there's something I can't quite put my finger on that I don't like about her. There's definitely something fake and forced. So, that left Amanda and Kristy and we were all expecting Kristy to finally be put out of her misery (and us!) but it wasn't to be. America decided that is was Amanda's turn to get shitcanned. Oh, I was so disappointed to see one of the liveliest contestants go instead of Kirsty, that soulless stale lump of Wonderbread. As Mr T would say: "I pity the foos!"

American Idol - the final eleven - The Beatles week part 2

Amanda Overmyer - “Back in the U.S.S.R.” It's been bugging me who Amanda reminds me of and I've just realised: Roseanne! Don't you think she's just like a younger Roseanne Barr? She even has the same surly attitude. I loved it when she was talking about her song choice and said that she was going to tease it up really high and "put some black eyeliner on it." She's funny. This performance wasn't as good as previous weeks but I still adore her and she always manages to make me smile. I just wish she'd choose a song in a different genre, like a disco song or something. How's she gonna manage during Big Band week?

Kristy Lee Cook - “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”. Is this dumbass still in the competition? As if last week's fiasco wasn't enough, Kristy was given a second chance to murder a Beatles song. This time she chose a song that she'd never heard before but she liked the title so chose it for that reason. You know, I really do think that Kristy is just plain stupid and her performance was ever bit as bad as we've come to expect. What made it worse was that she kept changing the melody during the chorus. I did laugh though when Paula said that she looked "gorgeous". That what Paula always says to the girls when they've just given a shit performance.


David Archuleta - “Long and Winding Road”. Oh, David, David! I actually look forward to his little tongue darting out to moisten his lips during his songs now. I'm tempted to turn it into a drinking game, but he does it so often that I'd end up very drunk very quickly. By the way, if you've never tried it before, having a few drinks while watching The Idol makes it much more fun. Anyway, David was as wonderful as ever and the peen-crazy girls in the "Mosh Pit" went apeshit throughout his song. I don't blame them, if I were a love sick teen virgin with my hormones raging all over the place, I'd be in that pit screaming out for some Archuleta lovin'.

Michael Johns - “A Day in the Life”. Ah, sweaty Micheal is one of my favourites and I even know this song quite well as my brother had it on a 7" vinyl single and he used to play it endlessly when we were children, much to my annoyance. The judges slammed this performance, but I thought he was good this week. It just goes to show how easily I'm distracted by a hot, sweaty, sporty Australian man.


Brooke White - “Here Comes the Sun”. This is actually one of the few Beatles songs that I like, possibly because it was written by George Harrison rather than Paul or John. George was always my favourite Beatle. You know, I've tried really really hard not to like Brooke, but her song choices and performances over the last few weeks have been so good that I'd begrudgingly started to like her. Luckily, this was awful and she totally botched up a great song. The whole thing was forced and her attempts at 'dancing' were stiff and at one time she actually let out a "whoop!" Oh, Brooke, go back to the heartfelt ballads, that's what we like about you, not this "happy" shit and what was with the yellow Big Bird dress she had on?

David Cook - “Day Tripper”. Now then, David's one of those people that I simply refuse to like, no matter how good he is. I don't know whether it's that flat, combed-over hair that refuses to arrange itself into any recognisable style (notice how he's resorted to wearing hats a lot recently?) or whether it's his doughy potato face which betrays a possible inbred ancestry, or what. I don't know what it is, but I just don't like him. Simon's right when he says that he needs to vary his performing though. I can't wait for Country week!

Carly Smithson - “Blackbird”. It started out fine, actually it was quite good, but you know that Carly can't leave a ballad well alone and she had to break out and start with the yelling and the gurning halfway through. This one really annoys me now, I don't know why Randy and Paula love her so much. At least Simon had the good sense to stick the boot in the week, dismissing her performance as "indulgent."


Jason Castro - “Michelle”. Is it just me, or does Jason seem really out of it? I swear he's doing reefer, no one's that laidback and goofy without some kind of herbal supplement. Anyway, he remains one of my favourites so I don't care what he sings and the girls in the "Mosh Pit" sure seem to agree. Then again, those horned-up teens don't seem particularly fussy.


Syesha Mercado - “Yesterday”. Syesha is someone that I ought to like, but I've yet to warm to her. Sure, she's got a big ol' voice, but I never feel that she connects with her songs, she only seems interested in hitting the big notes rather that expressing a lyric.

Chikezie - “I’ve Just Seen A Face”. I liked him last week, he was one of my favourites, but after tonight I've put him back at the bottom. He started off slowly, then played a bloody harmonica, then the song got really fast and I ended up just confused at what he was trying to do or what the song was about.

Ramiele Malubay - “I Should Have Known Better”. Oh, Sweet Lord Jesus, you really should have known better, Ramiele! After last week's forgettable and boring performance, Ramiele outdid herself with yet another trainwreck of a performance. Usually, the producers seem to arrange it that the best two performances open and close the show so I had hopes of an improvement when I saw that Ramiele was the last to sing, but this was just plain awful. It was drab and sing-songy and she pretty much looked bored herself throughout the whole thing when she made a minute and a half seem like an awfully long time.


So, who's going to go? I picked Kristy last week and she's my choice again this week. Hell, if by some miracle she manages to stick around for next week, I'm already nominating her as my pick to go. The girl is a trainwreck!

American Idol - the first cut from the final twelve!

The show kicked off with another of those hideous group medleys that I love to watch as everyone is so clearly hating every second and barely rehearsed. It was a Beatles/Lennon/McCartney medley so of course I thought it was awful and, as if that wasn't bad enough, Ryan announced that since "Idol" had received so many calls and emails this week, it had been decided to do a second week of Lennon/McCartney songs. Oh, sweet lord Jesus on a stick! I just want the embarrassment of Country week or Latin week and bored celebrity mentors.

After much winding up and torturing of the Idol kids, Ryan finally got around to announcing the bottom three this week. All our favourites were safe: Brooke, sweaty Michael, little gay David and Amanda. They did something odd though as each of the bottom three, Syesha Mercado, David Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook had to sing their songs again. Yeah, that's right, the first time wasn't bad enough, we had to suffer through it all again. At least Kristy Lee Cook had the manners to apologise for making us sit through her car wreck hillbilly number a second time: "'Sorry you gotta hear it again!''.

It did seem pointless though as it's not as if the second performance made any difference to the voting, it must've been just to pad out the show in the absence of having a mentor this week who's only there to plug their new album. Oh, and by the way, what the hell was all that nonsense with Jim Carrey? He was in a goddamn rabbit suit and on to plug some stupid film that's coming out I think, but he was just annoying. Oh, speaking of annyoing, did you spot Sanjaya and his trampy sister in the audience?

Anyway, Ryan let Syesha off the hook first and let her go sit down with the Idol kids were good this week, so it was down to David Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook and the one to go was David! Yes, our favourite ex stripper for the gays got canned. Wait a second, someone got less votes than the soulless bored-looking hootenanny Kristy? We have to suffer yet another performance from her next week?

American Idol 2008 the final 12 - Lennon/McCartney week!

Ok, so now the fun really starts! I love when the live shows start as it means that the dead wood has been eliminated (well, mostly.. I'm looking at YOU, Kirsty Lee Cook!) and we can just sit back and enjoy our favourites and wish bad thins upon the ones we don't like. American Idol has made a big ol' fuss about how this year the contestants are the most talented ever and Ryan has also made a huge deal about how they've finally gotten clearance to use songs from The Beatles. Oh dear, I never did like them. I know I'm going to get crucified for that remark, but I've never actually enjoyed them, even though I can appreciate their cultural importance. Anyways, let's see who manages to screw it all up tonight!

Syesha Mercado drew the short straw and was on first and sang Got To Get You Into My Life. Randy thought she was "pitchy" and Paula thought she "looked fantastic" so no change there. Although you have to admit that she's a very good singer, I didn't feel that the connected with the song at all. In her taped bit before singing, she went on about how she's love acting but she didn't bring any emotion to her performance tonight, she kinda just stood there and yelled her way through. A good big ol' voice (as Randy would say) but no heart. Not tonight anyway.

Chikezie Eze said he's was going to "put his own funk" on She's A Woman and he sure did! Now, I haven't liked Chikezie at all over the last few weeks. I found him subdued, lacking in confidence and predictable in his performing. But tonight, he surprised all of us with his remarkable turn tonight. Starting off a bit hillbilly, Chikezie had this astonishing energy throughout his song and showed a very different side of himself. I loved this and I so didn't expect to.

Ramiele Malubay made an awful song choice with In My Life. She's very pretty and she has a good voice, but this was dire! Paula gave her usual back-handed compliment of "You look lovely tonight. You look really pretty!" but Simon summed it up with his caustic comment: "I was bored to tears throughout the entire song from the awful standing on the stairs to the dreary song choice. Forgettable, boring, and I expect a lot better from you." That Simon doesn't mince his words does he?

Jason Castro sang If I Fell which I've never heard before but I liked it a lot even though I could've done without the stupid audience clapping. Jason looks kinda funny don't you think? I mean, he's handsome but his mouth is sorta goofy and out of control sometimes as if he's stoned or medicated. Maybe he is! Anyway, I liked this and I like Jason's soft voice and simple presentation. By the way, I've seen some shirtless photographs of Jason from his MySpace or Facebook or whatever and you know what, he's pretty ripped beneath the awful dreads and the "vintage" waistcoats.

Carly Smithson revealed that her roomate during the show is Amanda Overmyer. OMG could you imagine what it must be like sharing a room with her? Carly sang Come Together or, rather, she yelled her way through the whole damn song as usual. Don't get me wrong, I know she's got a very good voice but does she really have to grimace and gurn through everything? The judges all liked it though.

Ugly little David Cook came on next and sang a hideous RAWK version of Eleanor Rigby which I hated but the judges loved. I realise that he brought a lot of energy to it and it's always good for these Idol kids to bring their own personality to their cover versions, but there was way too much potato-faced yelling in this for my taste and don't get me started on the hair!

Brooke White sang a traditional version of Let It Be with no bells or whistles and it really worked for her. She's another one that I really didn't like at first but what I do like about her now is her ability to connect emotionally with the songs she's singing and the way she expresses the lyrics.

Before singing, David Hernandez talked about how he was going to be "working the stage" and I have to admit that I immediately thought about his days as a stripper in a gay bar. I mean, he's gonna know some good moves right? Anyway, it wasn't good, David was frantic and he'd made a horrible choice of song I Saw Her Standing There and there was lots of eyebrow movement and mincing about (he's gay, right?) but ultimately it was just weak and not particularly pleasant to watch.

Ah, my favourite girl Amanda Overmyer was up next. I adore her, she makes me smile each she comes on, she's fun and ever so Country. When talking about her song choice she said: "this was the first that I heard it". She sang You Can't Do That with her usual Amanda spin and it was wonderful. Like Simon, I didn't quite understand all the words but when a performer is this electric it doesn't really matter. I love, love, love her.

Sweaty Australian hunk Michael Johns sang Across The Universe and he was good but a little subdued. He still managed to have his usual "glow" at the end even though he just stood still during his song. He's definitely got sweating issues. The judges had a good moan that it wasn't exciting enough, but I think he'll stick around for a good few weeks.

Unlike bloody Kristy Lee Cook. Oh, I hate this one! I didn't even want to watch her effort this week but since I'm blogging it I forced myself. Luckily, she gave one of the most hilariously godawful performances I've ever seen in the Idol finals so I doubt we'll have to suffer her much longer. She sang this terrible hillbilly version of Eight Days A Week and to add insult to injury she looked bored throughout the whole mess. Afterwards, poor Paula just mumbled "I didn't get it, I didn't get it!" and Simon said it was horrendous and said she "sounded like Dolly Parton on helium!" Oh, she is so going to get shitcanned this week.

Last up was David "you can Only vote for him, You can't actually adopt him" Archuleta who sang a very misjudged Stevie Wonder version of We Can Work It Out. Ok, we all love David but he forgot the words! Plus, what's all the lip moistening? I swear his tongue slips out between each line. Yeah, I admit that it's a little bit horny to watch on but it's also very distracting. Anyway, despite the balls up this week, I reckon he's pretty safe based on his strong performances over the past weeks.

So, who's going to go? That Kristy Lee Cook, that's who! Oh, there's simply no justice if that dumb soulless bimbette doesn't get canned this week. I'm so convinced she'll go that I'm not even going to bother suggesting anyone else. Oh, by the way, don't you think that Ryan looked rather lovely in his skinny suit and tie this week?

American Idol - the final twelve!

Right, the important thing about the show tonight is that we found out who is going to be in the final twelve. We had a song from last year's runner-up Blake Lewis (Blakelicious!) the we get on to the good stuff. The first guy to get shitcanned was Luke Menard which was totally predictable and the poor nelly then had to mince his way through Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go) one last painful time. Then Ryan shitcanned Asia'h Epperson who was struck down by the Whitney Houston curse for singing one of her songs. Poor Asia'h, I liked her even though she chose awful songs each week.

The second girl to go was Kady Malloy, of course, and we were treated to an even more out of tune version of Who wants to live forever. The relief that she'd gone was palpable. The last guy to leave though was our Danny Noriega. Aw, poor Danny cried and we're all going to miss his sassy campy personality but somehow I don't believe that his fabulous flame of faggotry is going to be that easily extinguished. He'll be back.

Anyway, here are this year's final twelve Idol kids:

David Cook
David "You can't actually adopt him, you can only vote for him" Archuleta
Jason Castro
Brooke White
Syesha Mercado
David "Gay for pay stripper" Hernandez
Michael Johns
Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer
Kristy Lee Cook
Chikezie Eze

My faves: Amanda, David Archuleta, Jason dude, sweaty Michael and Brooke (as long as she picks the right songs). We'll see just how wrong I am!

American Idol - the top eight girls!

I'm gonna own up to something right now, I'm just not feelingthe Idol girls this year. Last year I had Melinda and LaKisha to coo over, but this year they've pretty much all left me lukewarm and the guys are easily more exciting to watch.

Asia'h Epperson was up first and she sang Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Oh no, Asia'h! She was one of my favourites but she's gone and committed the Idol sin of singing a Whitney song with no hope in hell of ever being remotely as good. These girls have been told each week to stay clear but they still think they know better. She wasn't exactly awful at the song, but she'd tempted the Idol Gods and she's so going to get shitcanned this week as punishment for doing a Whitney/Celine/Mariah song two weeks in a row.

Kady Malloy is one of the winsome blondes left with zero personality that I can never tell apart and she sang Queen's "Who Wants To Live Forever" or rather, she murdered it. I don't think a single note was in tune. She was as bad as Jessica Simpson only much, much worse. She's got "your Idol journey ends here" written all over her this week.


One of the girls that I do love and adore this year is the fabulous Amanda Overmyer who sang Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself for Loving You". This year's badass snarled her way through this song with all the hillbilly lesbo chic should could muster and it was dreamy. Simon picked it as his favourite performance of the evening and I'd have to agree. The funny thing was though that Amanda didn't crack a smile at all and her face looked like a slapped arse. Lighten up, girl!


Carly Smithson sang the Cyndi Lauper version of Roy Orbinson's "I Drove All Night" and, even though I still don't like her, she did a good job and I've always liked that song. I just wish she wouldn't open her mouth so much, I feel like I have intimate knowledge of her tonsils. Paula came up with: "Your face is beautiful, I like your hair. You are like a dependable dog!" Christ, Paula is fucked this season. First, we had the "colours" she kept seeing, then the "textures", now they're animals?

Kristy Lee Cook was the second bland blonde up and she sang Journey's "Faithfully". Oh sweet Lord Jesus, this was miserable. Kristy tried to give this a Country spin but her voice was all over the place and, ultimately, she's just forgettable and I doubt she'll scrape though. Oh, I remember who she is now, she's that bitch who sold her favourite horse to pay for her to get to her audition.

Ramiele Malubay sang Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" and although she sang well enough, I find Ramiele a bit bland. I don't feel that she connects with her songs, she just learns the words then stands up there and belts them out without involving herself in the lyrics. Oh, but Paula came up with some good shit:

"''Aww. You have such a beautiful face, and I...there's such an innocent, pure voice that comes out of you, and I love it when you go from that....You have a lot of col...— I'm not gonna say 'colors' — you have a lot of texture. The textures of your voice are...I didn't mean that. I meant 'mutts' ...not...never mind. Ramiele, it's all about you. I love you all. And I love mutts, too. Whatever. Look, I gotta tell you... I'm gonna pull you right back in. Ramiele, you deserve to be in the top 12.'' I'll have whatever Paula's on.


Brooke White was next and she really surprised me by singing a truly excellent version of Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield", simplyaccompanied by an acoustic guitar. The arrangement worked brilliantly and Brooke really seemed to emotionally connect with the song and made herself stand out from the other blondes. I haven't really cared for her previously, but this changed my view of her.


Syesha Mercado sang the second Whitney Houston song of the show "Saving All My Love For You". Can't we get Whitney/Celine/Mariah songs banned from the Idol? These young inexperienced girls have no business trying to attempt these big songs and they ought to be put out of their misery and so should we! i like Syesha but I don't know if she'll manage to escape the Whitney curse.

So, who's gonna go? Um, I reckon it'll be Syesha or Asia'h with either Kristy or Kady. It's been a black girl and a white girl each week so I don't see any change this week, do you?

American Idol's stripping David Hernandez

American Idol contestant is keeping things covered up these days, but in case you were wondering what he showed off back in his gay bar stripping days, here are some shirtless photographs. David makes a pleasant change from the usual array of "wholesome" youngsters we get each year.

American Idol - the top eight guys!

We're down to the final eight guys and this week's theme was the eighties. Luke Menard was first up and he sang Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go". Well, I say 'sang' but I should say that he murdered it, draining all the life and fun out of the song with his limp rendition. He's so going to get shitcanned this week. Luke puzzles me as he sings and performs in a campy manner, but he's just too dull to be gay. Anyway, he won't be sticking around to bother us much longer.


Unlike David "You can only vote him, you can't actually adopt him" Archuleta who sang Phil Collins' "Another Day in Paradise". It's hardly worth even trying to give an opinion about little David as he's so obviously going to win. He's cute, charming with an aw-shucksy personality that the voters will eat up and he sings on pitch each time. Unless he really screws things up, he's got the competition sewn up.


Oh, oh, it was Danny Noriega next! Danny came out and fanned the flames of faggotry by singing a bizarre version of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love". The arrangement was all a bit hoochie mama, like he was doing a burlesque act and, as if he doesn't get enough attention as it is, Danny put in some purple streaks in his hair to match his top. Such a little queen! Randy just didn't know what to make of it all, Paula said she admired him for being himself (i.e. being obviously gay) but Simon bitched that is everything about him tonight was horrible. Our Danny just rolled his eyes at that and snapped: "Whatever!" hand gesture included.

Ex gay bar stripper David Hernandez sang "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" and he did his Eartha Kitt routine as usual. What's with all the eye rolling and the come-hither looks at the camera? He should just come out and sing "Just An Old Fashioned Girl" and be done with it.


Australian jock Michael Johns sang Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" and although he was far from brilliant, his confidence and likeability should see him through to the last twelve next week. The rocker with the bad hair David Cook sang a rawk version of Lionel Richie's "Hello" and, although I'm going to hate myself for saying this, it was actually very good. Sure, he looked as dopey and boring as ever, but if you closed your eyes it became quite good.


Jason Castro was the highlight of the evening for me with his beautiful interpretation of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". There's a calmness about Jason that's very pleasing to watch and his vocals were simple and spot on. I still want to chop off that damn hair though. Last up was Chikezie Eze who sang Whitney Houston's "All the Man That I Need" with the obligatory change to the lyrics. Now, Chikezie clearly tried his best but this song was way too big for him. What is it I always say? Don't sing a Celine/Mariah/Whitney song unless you want to get your ass kicked! Will these kids never learn?

So, who's gonna go? Well, Luke obviously, then either Chikezie or, and this pains me, Danny Noriega. I like Danny a lot but even I'm not going to defend his hoochie mama performance tonight!

Ex-stripper David Hernandez stays on "American Idol" - for now

American Idol contestant David Hernandez used to be a stripper at a place called Dick's Cabaret, "appearing fully nude and performing lap dances for the club's 'mostly male' clientele." Now, in previous years that would have been enough to have him sent packing and not for just his over wrought vocal performances. Is it just me or does David actually purr during his songs like Eartha Kitt?

Anyway, the producers seem very laid back about the controversery and even a little bit amused by it all. Producer Ken Warrick told TV Guide: "No, it won't make any difference. The truth is, we're never judgmental about what people do to earn a living. They've got to put food in people's mouths. We've had strippers on the show before. Nikki McKibbon was one in [Season] 1. We're never judgmental about people who do things like that. If it were some sort of heavy porn, then maybe we'd have to take action. But certainly not on this."

I have to admit that when I first saw David peform on Idol I did think to myself that he looked perfect for porn. He's not quite attractive or talented enough to be a singer or actor, but porn? Definitely. I mean, just look at the pose he strikes, he's all about the crotch.

American Idol - the second cut!

After another one of those hideous group medley routines that the Idol kids squirm their way through, we got down to business with some eliminations. First off was lounge singer Jason Yeager who had grinned his way through "Long Train Running" this week, totally ignoring the lyrics and guess what, he did the exact same thing again after his elimination which just goes to show you that some of these Idol kids learn nothing.

The next elimiination was a surprise as it was Alexandrea Lushington! She went through the motions with her song and little David Archuleta was upset and had to be comforted. Luckily, girly man Luke Menard was on hand to do this then Alexandrea went over after she'd finished. Poor David!


The next elimination was the highlight of the show. It was down to Kady and Alaina and Kady obviously thought she was going but it was Alaina. Well, Alaina totally freaked out, whimpering "I can’t sing!" which for some reason made me laugh. I guess I'm just a mean old mofo! Anyway, she didn't want to sing at first and Ryan said that she didn't have to but it looked like Asia'h went up to her and said something like: "Girl, there's thirty million people watching, you are going to sing!" I'm guessing, but that was the general vibe so Alaina did the right thing and for the second time thirty million people sat through her murderous rendition of "Hopelessly Devoted to You."

The last guy to get shitcanned this week was Robbie Carrico. He's that ex-boyband member who briefly dated Britney Spears but now has gone all rock & roll with bandanas and long wig and stuff. When asked by Ryan what went wrong could only offer: I think it was a bad song choice, and I think I could have done it better." No shit, Robbie!

American Idol - the top ten girls!

Continuing the theme of “What People Would Be Surprised to Know About Me” Carly Smithson revealed that she works as a bartender in an Irish Bar and loves housekeeping. Sure, she's got a husband with tattoos all over his face but that's the most interesting thing she could come up with. Anyway, she sang “Crazy On You” by Heart and although she managed to keep in tune (she's a seasoned pro, why wouldn't she keep in tune?) she just yelled and yelled her way throughout every song. I know she's Irish but I'm not feeling the love yet.

Syesha Mercado revealed that she has done a lot of commercials in Miami then sang a tepid version of “Me And Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul. Her first mistake was to change to lyric so it was "Me and Mr Jones. How I wished that she just left the song as it was and lezzed it up a bit like Janet Jackson did when she covered Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the night” on the “Velvet Rope” album. It would've been more interesting at least, as it was this was fairly forgettable.


Brooke White blabbed on about she went to Beauty school. Now, that is a surprise as, looking at her, I would NEVER have guessed that Brooke went to Beauty school. Oops! My arm is hurting so I'm in a bitchy mood today. Anyway, Brooke sang “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon playing her guitar and sitting on a stool, performing an entire verse without the band. She was surprisingly good and although she didn't change the arrangement at all and pretty much just sang it the same way as Carly Simon, it still worked and made her stand out from the other soulless blondes left in the top ten girls.

Ramiele Malubay talked about how she used to Polynesian dance as a child. Christ, they're really scraping the barrell with this "surprise fact" theme this week. Ramiele sang “Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Thelma Houston but, although she clearly has a great voice, she just seemed reserved throughout the whole thing and never really let rip and that's a song that you need to commit to.

Kristy Lee Cook revealed that she is a tomboy and that she loves getting dirty. I think she's realised that her voice isn't up to scratch so this was an attempt to sex things up. I didn't work though. She sang “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt but it was as dreary as ever. Oh, this is the bitch who sold her favourite horse to go to her audition. How come she’s still here? I hate her!


Amanda Overmyer was up next and she said that her surprising fact is that she is a bookworm however by this she means that she likes biographies of Rock stars. I dunno, maybe for her that's literature. Amanda sang “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas but OMG our Amanda was totally out of key during the whole damn song. Not as bad as Sundance Head last year, but getting there. I wish she would’ve chosen a different genre of song, maybe a Donna Summer disco number. I love her hillbilly lesbian chic though and super crazy black and white hair. Awful performance but she's memorable and I so want to see her through to the last few.

The only surprising fact that Alaina Whitaker could come up with is that she doesn’t like the food on her plate to touch the other food. WTF? How about the fact that this tuneless bitch managed to get into the last twenty four of Idol without being able to keep in tune? Alaina struggled her way through “Hopelessly Devoted To You” by Olivia Newton-John which should have been a good choice. I love, love, love Olivia Newton John and I wish that some of these girls would follow her example and sing with her simplicity rather than trying to wring a dozen notes out of every syllable. Alaina sang the whole thing out of key and totally murdered this. She’s so going to get shitcanned this week.

Alexandrea Lushington's surprise fact was that she was a poster child for the Atlanta Fire department as her dad worked for them. She sang “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago – I loved this but the judges thought she was boring. I also loved her CND earrings. She's fun and I'd like her to go through to the finals.

Kady Malloy said that sings Opera in the bathroom. Maybe she should've sung Opera tonight. Her version of “Magic Man” by Heart was as forgettable as her. Simon said he’d never heard of the song and I haven’t either. Actually, my flatmate and I sat through most of the songs tonight commenting that we’d never heard them before. Kady is the girl who manages to do an amusing impersonation of Britney Spears but has no personality of her own when she gets up on stage to sing. She's not going to stick around.


Asia’h Epperson revealed that she was a cheerleader as her surprise fact then sang "All By Myself" by Celine Dion – note to the female contestants: please don’t attempt a Celine/Whitney/Mariah song. If you were good enough to tackle their songs then you wouldn’t be in this competition, you’d already be having hits, so stop! Anyway, Asia'h did what she could and I like her a lot, but she's got to choose less ambitious songs and, by the way, what was with the weird eighties' outfit this week. I haven't seen a girl looking like that for years!

So, who's gonna go? Well, I'd be happy to see a couple of those godawful blondes off the show, wouldn't you?

American Idol - the top ten guys

Tonight’s preshow taped bits feature the theme of “What People Would Be Surprised to Know About Me”. The producers are doing all they can this year to rip out any trace of a personality from these kids. First up was Michael "I'm a jock" Johns who sang Fleetwood Mac's “Go Your Own Way". He wasnt really very good and struggled with some of the notes but he’s a fit Australian jock, what’s not to like? He'll stick around for a few more weeks. Only teenage girls and gays watch this show so he's going to be fine.


In his taped piece, Jason Castro looked just about as awkward as he possibly could and said that he hates doing interviews. He still knows how to work the audience when singing though. He chose “I Just Wanna Be Your Everything” by Andy Gibb which I've never heard before and I didn't like but this guy's clearly going to go through. He just needs to get those nasty white dreads cut off and he'd be just peachy.

Luke "I'm in an acappella group" Menard minced his way through “Killer Queen” by Queen. It pretty much sucked but at least he sang it like a queen. Robbie "It's not a wig!" Carrico sang Hot Blooded” by Foreigner. As I was watching him my mind starting drifting. I think it was the hair. That's a wig, right? It's all matted and the parting isn't normal. Anyway, both were forgettable and I can't see either getting into the final twelve.


Oh, my favourite Danny “whatever!” Noriega was up next. He sang “Superstar” by The Carpenters. I adore Danny, I adore his campy fanning the flames of faggotry, his diva snaps, his Jane Fonda “Klute” shag, I adore everything about him and I so want him to progress until the latter stages. I also loved that he sang this song completely seriously and without any kind of ironic wink to the audience. He understood the lyrics and connected with the song.

Simon liked it too: “This was better, not a fantastic vocal…but you stand out in the crowd, you’re interesting…you look great on camera.” Simon knows a good gay when he sees one. Danny admitted that Simon was right about last week’s performance of “Jail House Rock” and he admits that he wishes he hadn’t given him the snaps and sassy head shake. I don't know, I'd rather liked that little burst of 'tude.


David "I used to strip in gay bars" Hernandez said that his surprise fact was that he did gymnastics when he was a little kid and won prizes but that he was embarrassed about wearing the little gym outfits. I think he’s over that now. David sang “Papa was a Rolling Stone” by the Undisputed Truth and, although he's good, I feel that he tries way too hard and sings several notes where one will do. He should simplify his presentation and find a way of showing more skin. Hey, it's a competition remember. And stop with the Eartha Kitt stuff!

Jason "I have blond frosted highlights" Yeager sang “Long Train Running” by the Doobie Brothers and smiled all the way through this song which is about Miss Lucy who lost her home and her family and she won't be coming back. Jason, that's not a cheerful song! If ever there was an example of a singer who was totally disconnected from their song, this was it. Simon said: “Last week was boring, this week it was just awkward and ordinary…and that horrific ending, I don’t know what you were doing there…it was like you were drunk at a party…I’m quite disappointed.” Oh, he's so gonna go this week, he's on Simon's shit list!

Chikezie Eze sang “I Believe to My Soul” by Donny Hathaway. Is it just or is Chikezie shrinking? I know he's not the skinniest guy but there's less and less of him each week. Anyway, Chikezie gave a much better performance than last week, he stayed on pitch and even managed a couple of hip thrusts for the ladies.

David "I like crossword puzzles and word searches" Cook“ sang “All Right Now” by Free playing electric guitar. It wasn't bad but I'm just not getting David. He's a bit aloof and doesn't really seem that involved in the competition. The most interesting part of his bit was after with Simon who bitched: “It was solid, it was sort of believable. I don’t think the film helped you…from tennis, to drag racing to crosswords. It’s boring. I don’t think you have a lot of charisma….”

David then had the inpudence to interrupt Simon at this point to say: “Fortunately, I don’t have to win you over with my charisma, I’ve got to win these people over.” Oh, you don't want to get on Simon shit list! Simon rolled his eyes and pointed out a few home truths to poor David. Hopefully he's learnt that his job as a contestant is to stand there and just take Simon's shit and not answer back!


David “You can only vote for him, you can’t adopt him” Archuleta talked about how he met the Season One finalists of American Idol when he was eleven years old which we saw via an old YouTube quality clip of little David singing “And I am telling you I’m not going” to Kelly Clarkson. Is it just me or is that not a totally inappropriate song for an eleven year old boy? Anyway, David sang John Lennon's “Imagine” and Paula cried: “One of the most beautiful performances I’ve ever heard…you are destined for super stardom.” Simon added: “You are the one to beat…there are 19 very miserable contestants tonight.” By the way, don't you think that little David looks uncomfortable with Ryan in the photograph above? Maybe. Just a little bit.

American Idol - the first cut!

Well, the results show wasn't much of a surprise was it? After watching a hideous medley of yet more songs from the Sixties, Amy Davis, Joanne Borgella, Garrett Haley and Colton Berry all got cut. I wasn't surprised at the first three, but Colton? Aw, I hate it when my gay twinks leave, they add so much to those rainbow colours that Paula loves.

It was funny when Garrett "I loved it, and I can tell America will love it'' Haley got shown the door. Ryan usually messes with their heads a bit first, but this time he called up Garrett straight away and shitcanned him! No one seemed to quite understand what was happening until they heard that familiar "you've just been shitcanned from American Idol" sound.

The funniest thing about these results shows is how the loser has to sing their song again, as if the first time wasn't precious enough. Amy Davis was even rolling her eyes at her own performance. Plus, Ryan always asks the judges if they have any career advice for the losers. Randy and Paula try their best to be encouraging of course, but Simon always snipes that he hopes they find a good job which doesn't involve singing. Oh, he's such a bitch that Simon!

American Idol - the top twelve girls

Um, I've decided that these Idol posts are usually way too long so I'm going to play the "love her, hate her" game from Will & Grace to try and keep things snappy. That ok? .

Alexandréa Lushington Spinning Wheel - Love her. Paula and Randy liked this performance but Simon surprisingly didn't. I don't know what Simon's problem was tonight, he must be having his period or something but I thought that Alexandréa was fabulous and she really stood out from the others with her confidence and movement.


Asia'h Epperson Piece of My Heart Love her! I love me a Strong Black Woman and Asia'h is a class act. She even has one of those pointless apostrophes in her name which I love. It takes a lot of guts to take on a Dusty Springfield song but Asia'h pulled this one off. Good lass!


Amanda Overmyer's 'Baby, Please Don't Go Love her! I like her sass, her 'tude, her look, I love everything about her. She understands the need to stand out and she's certainly memorable. Great voice too, but I agree that she ought to show a bit more versatility in her song choices and performance. I thought it was funny when Simon accused her of forgetting the words to her song in the middle and Amanda asked him if he'd ever even heard it before. Nice comeback!

Carly Smithson Shadow of Your Smile Hate her! Ok, so she's Irish so I really ought to be showing some support and I may yet change my mind, but I think that there's just something unlikeable about Carly. Her singing is so overwrought and she's one of those acts that Simon likes to bitch about being a bit 'cabaret' or 'hotel singer'. At least she had the balls to talk about her previous recording contract and CD release during her intro piece. You have to give her props for taking that controversy head on.

Ramiele Malubay You Don't Have to Say You Love Me Hate her! I disagreed with all the judges on this one. They all loved it but I thought it was just plain awful, mostly out of tune and way too big a song for this young girl.


Syesha Mercado Tobacco Road Love her! I love the way she looked so comfortable up on the stage and really commanded with her presence. I don't like the song, but Syesha was great.

Alaina Whitaker More Today Than Yesterday Hate her! I mean, she was funny in her taped intro doing her Britney impression, but she just had no spark tonight. Just a bland blond girl singing some dumb song. I could like her but only if she lightens up a bit.

Kristy Lee ''I sold my horse to go to the audition'' Cook Rescue Me Hate her! She sold her horse FFS! I mean, there's a difference between having ambition and being a callous bitch.

Brooke White Happy Together Hate her! This is the one who's a virgin or something, right? Oh, I didn't like this. There was way too much dramatic posing with her arms all over the place and I didn't like her choice of song. I always hate it when someone picks a song that someone else has already chosen. Don't they have hundreds of great songs to choose from?

Kady Malloy Groovy Kind of Love Hate her! Well, I don't really but I didn't like this performance at all. Just dull and bland and with all these long haired blonde girls this year it's hard to work out which one is which. Girl needs to step it up!

Joanne Borgella Say a Little Prayer Hate her! Can't this girl sing in tune? Seriously, the entire damn song was out of tune, or "pitchy" as Randy would say. Utterly pointless even having her in the competition if this is all she can come up with.

Amy Davis Where the Boys Are Hate her! Yet another one who can't keep in tune. How the hell did these two slip through the net? Get rid! Paula made me laugh with her "at least you look pretty" backhanded compliment. The girls know that she always says that whenever they screw it up.

So, who's gonna go? Well, if there's any sanity out there then it'll be Joanne and Amy. You can't put through people who can't even sing in tune!

American Idol - the top twelve guys

Yes, I have been watching American Idol. I haven't blogged during the auditions because that's not my favourite part of the show. Sure, it's fun at first to laugh at all the no-hopers during the early rounds, but I just find it repetitive. How many awful and deluded bad singers can you listen to before it just isn't funny any more? Anyway, now the live shows have started I'm going to report back more often. We get the shows a couple of days later here in the UK and it's murder trying to avoid spoilers on the internet but at least the shows are now spread out over two days instead of the bleary-eyed five hour marathons into the night that we used to get previously.

Well, first up this week we had the final twelve guys who had to suffer through a Sixties theme. I don't mind these themes when they're related to a celebrity mentor as I think they can be fun and I always enjoy watching the black divas struggle during Country week and the Country singers struggle with Disco and so on, but I wasn't too hot on having a theme so early in the competition. I think it's better to just let them choose whatever song they like so we get an idea of their personality and musical preference. Plus, for a decade that was so exciting, these guys sure chose some forgettable songs.


Anyway, first of all I'll mention my early favourites. Danny Noriega sang Elvis's Jailhouse Rock and although he was awful, I like his campy diva personality and general nancy boy demeanour. I mean, no one ever mentions the G word, but it's kinda obvious isn't it? By the way, don't you think that he looks like a young gay Jane Fonda in Klute? He's a dead ringer for Bree Daniels, shag hair included! Despite murdering his song, he didn't take any shit from Simon when he criticised him and answered him back with sass and attitude. It was just like an episode of Ricki Lake but without all the fighting.

The next one I liked, though I'm sure you'll hate me for this, was Colton Berry. He said that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres (which is probably enough of a reason to keep him in) but I was thinking that he looked more like Madonna circa Papa Don't Preach with gap-toothed underbite included. Colton also sang an Elvis song Suspicious Minds but he predictably murdered it too. What's with these twinky gay guys and Elvis?


I also like the laid back cool dude Jason Castro. Ok, so dreadlocks on a white guy are heinous, but if you can manage to avoid looking at the nasty hair, he's got a good personality, he was clever enough to pick a good song, Lovin' Spoonful's What a Day for a Daydream and he was the only one to play an instrument. Jason's got a quiet confidence which is very appealing and the whole thing came across as effortless, but in a good way.


The fourth and last guy that I liked this week was Michael Johns. Oh, how predictable that I'd go for the hot Australian one! Ok, I admit that hiss sexual charisma got to me, but he's also a very good singer and easily one of the strongest guys in the competition this year. He sang The Doors' Light My Fire.


As for the rest, well they were utterly forgettable weren't they? Simon kept pointing out after each song that the guys just weren't making themselves stand out and he's right. Some of the guys were saying that they've been watching the show for years, but they clearly haven't understood anything about how to set yourself apart from the group. Let me remind them of one important lesson: never sing a soft ballad in the first few weeks. Each year they make the same mistake and they get canned. It's the ones who let rip and get themselves across to the audience that get votes.

Among the guys that I wanted to slap this week were Jason Yeager singing a turgid Moon River, Garrett Haley's pale faced version of Neil Sedaka's Breaking Up Is Hard to Do and Luke Menard's dull redition of Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin'. All three guys are handsome enough to get a strong fan base and these are normally great songs, but they just stood there and sang these incredibly boring versions. All three of them forgettable, though Garrett did get a funny response from Simon when he said that he looked like he'd been locked in his bedroom for a month and needed to get some fresh air. By the way, I thought it was funny that Ryan Seacrest said that Garrett looked like Leif Garrett. That's who I always got told I looked like when I was younger and I spent my school years being nicknamed "Leif", among other choice insults.

Right, who's left? Oh yeah, there was Chikezie Eze who sang off pitch throughout his entire godawful song More Today Than Yesterday. His mom sure seemed to like it but no one else seemed to. It just went on forever and I kept praying that he'd get back on key. At least he had the good sense to wear this crazy bright orange suit so we wouldn't be able to easily forget him. David Cook sang Happy Together but I've got a problem with David - he just looks so uncomfortable and uneasy and I don't know what his hair thinks it's doing but it's not helping.

I can't even remember the others. I don't know what they sang or what their names are. Oh, except cute little Danny "You can only vote for him, you can't actually adopt him" Archuleta. Who cares what he sings? He's cute as a button, he's got a great big winning smile, he can sing on key so we love him already. All in all, not a great show but not a bad one either.