Cosmo Hunk of the Month - Brian Friedman!

This month's Cosmo Hunk of the Month is X Factor's "Artistic Director" Brian Friedman! You know, a lot of my friends bitch about Brian and don't find him attractive. Whatever. I like him and I'd sure as hell bang him. Well, now he's got the shaved head and all, he wasn't so attractive a few years back when he had that skanky wet perm. Not a good look.

And isn't it nice to have a gay guy as the Hunk of the Month for a change? I'm not sure about the Diva pose though. As ever, click on the image to see a larger version - if you think you can handle it!

New series of X Factor – send in the clowns!

I don’t care what the calendar says, the official start of British Autumn is the start of X Factor. Gay bars throughout the country are left empty. Seriously, just try arranging to meet a gay guy before nine o’clock on a Saturday night from now until the end of December. “Bitch, X Factor is on and I ain’t going out until it’s over!” Of course, we all know about the dramas with the judges and presenters. It started off with the headlines from earlier in the year when Louis Walsh was sacked. Simon Cowell hissed: “The X Factor does not need Louis Walsh”. Instead, we had the new judges Dannii Minogue and Brian Friedman.

By the way, Brian left them all slacked-jawed at work this week when we were playing Gay or Non-gay. That’s our regular game at work when it’s quiet where my colleagues will randomly shout out a famous person’s name and I have to tell ‘em whether they are gay or non-gay. Well, it amuses us and passes the time. Anyway, when Rob said that Brian was obviously a big ‘mo, I shocked him by explaining that Brian is happily married to a lady called Rachel so he can’t possibly be gay, although have you noticed that Brian’s always surrounded by freshly shaved and oiled male “dancers” in his friends gallery on his website?

Ok, so back to the show. New presenter Dermot O’Leary introduced the first contestant Susan, a fifty five year old cleaning woman who sang a miserable version of “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. Hilariously, she kept in time by nodding her head and blinking in time to the music in her head. The poor dear seemed to be genuinely surprised that the judges didn’t put her through. Things didn’t get much better. One old dear came on dressed like Truman Capote on holiday in Capri and performed with her head covered by a scarf because she had rotten teeth. Then, an incredibly annoying brother and sister act called Same Difference came on and sang the theme tune from Friends. Oh Sweet Lord Jesus, they were nauseatingly nice mixed with a bit of mental retardation thrown in for good measure. Stupidly, Sarah and Sean got through to Boot Camp but let’s hope they don’t get any further. You just wanna slap the perkiness out of ‘em.

Another awful contestant was a particularly unpleasant girl called Zoe who claimed to have a natural gift but had no training. Zoe gave a painfully constipated rendition of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” and the poor deluded girl simply couldn’t believe that the judges said no. She had a dreadful attitude and after she left the audition room she threw herself against a wall and had a hissy fit temper tantrum.

Not everyone was bad though. One of the early good ones were girl band W4 and fourteen year old Emily. Emily came armed with a sob story about how she nearly died last year because her appendix burst and she apparently died then the doctors brought her back to life. Oh, I hate these sob stories. I mean, I’m sure I’d make up some bullshit to bump up the sympathy and get votes, but I still hate it. At least Emily had a great voice and she sailed through to the next round.

The contestants then took a back seat as cracks had begun to appear in the early stages between the judges and the problem seemed to be Brian. Sharon said that she missed Louis and complained that there was an uncomfortable atmosphere with no chemistry between the judges. Brian obviously wasn’t happy with the contestants, saying: “I don’t understand Britain at all.. I feel incredibly let down by the British talent” and was subjected to an obnoxious chavvy fat girl telling him to go back to America! Um, I don’t think that Brian really understands the British. He’s used to American talent and professionalism. This rag-tag bunch of no-hopers murdering Mariah Carey songs just isn’t his cup of tea. So the end result was that he got the elbow and now has some bullshit title of Creative Director, which means he’ll only be around to style and choreograph the finalists later during the live shows.

All of this cleared the way for the triumphal return of Louis Walsh, clearly enjoying Simon Cowell having to eat crow. Simon said that it’s only when you lose something that you realize that you miss it (I hope my xboyf is reading this!). Of course, Louis was smug as ever when he returned and, unlike Brian, Louis loves laughing at this bunch of talentless British no-hopers. I think he’s like me when I go into work on a Monday and say: “Oh dear, did the English lose again?” at the rugby/cricket/football/tennis result.

Now Louis was back, the first contestant for him was seventy nine year old Joy who played invisible instruments using her nose, such as the Hawaiian guitar. Louis loves this kind of nonsense and he looked as happy as a pig in shit. Much to Simon’s obvious annoyance, the others put Joy through to Boot Camp! They also put through thirty two year old Jules, a dinner lady from Merseyside. She lacked confidence, but has a good voice. You know, dinner ladies didn’t look like Jules when I was a kid. I remember Mrs Price who looked just like Elvis in drag with a huge white bouffant that she would tint a different colour of the rainbow each week, ranging from blue to pink, mauve or yellow and orange.

The final contestant was Nikki Evans who also had a sob story to go with her audition. Her late father had applied on her behalf and she only found the forms when going through his papers after his death. She kinda reminds me of Eva Cassidy and she sang Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” which all the judges all loved and put her through. All in all, it was a good start, with just the right mix of comically bad singers and genuinely talented ones. Damn, this shit is addictive!