American Idol - the final ten - The Beatles week part two

Some people have more lives than a cat and one of those people is Kristy Lee Cook. She's been in the bottom every week since the live shows started and she's still managing to stick around despite having little talent and no discernible personality. Plus, she sold her horse to get to her audition. She has no heart! Anyway, after yet another of those hilariously underrehearsed and umcomfortable group medleys, Ryan called the Idol kids over to their seats one by one. Luckily, our favourites were safe: the hormone-popping and lip-moistening David Archuleta, sweaty Austraian jock Michael Johns, "wholesome" Brooke White and a few others that I no longer care about.

That left Carly Smithson, Amanda Overmyer and, of course, the ubiquitous Kristy Lee Cook in the bottom three. I can understand Kristy and Carly being in the bottom three, but Amanda? The three didn't have to go through the torture of singing their songs again though, as the results show was padded out with Kellie Pickler singing her "Red High Heels" song and footage of Fantasia Barrino and Elliot Yamin in Africa.

Ryan told Carly that she was safe and Carly totally overacted with this big "are you kidding me?" routine. I'm liking her less and less each week, there's something I can't quite put my finger on that I don't like about her. There's definitely something fake and forced. So, that left Amanda and Kristy and we were all expecting Kristy to finally be put out of her misery (and us!) but it wasn't to be. America decided that is was Amanda's turn to get shitcanned. Oh, I was so disappointed to see one of the liveliest contestants go instead of Kirsty, that soulless stale lump of Wonderbread. As Mr T would say: "I pity the foos!"

American Idol - the final eleven - The Beatles week part 2

Amanda Overmyer - “Back in the U.S.S.R.” It's been bugging me who Amanda reminds me of and I've just realised: Roseanne! Don't you think she's just like a younger Roseanne Barr? She even has the same surly attitude. I loved it when she was talking about her song choice and said that she was going to tease it up really high and "put some black eyeliner on it." She's funny. This performance wasn't as good as previous weeks but I still adore her and she always manages to make me smile. I just wish she'd choose a song in a different genre, like a disco song or something. How's she gonna manage during Big Band week?

Kristy Lee Cook - “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”. Is this dumbass still in the competition? As if last week's fiasco wasn't enough, Kristy was given a second chance to murder a Beatles song. This time she chose a song that she'd never heard before but she liked the title so chose it for that reason. You know, I really do think that Kristy is just plain stupid and her performance was ever bit as bad as we've come to expect. What made it worse was that she kept changing the melody during the chorus. I did laugh though when Paula said that she looked "gorgeous". That what Paula always says to the girls when they've just given a shit performance.


David Archuleta - “Long and Winding Road”. Oh, David, David! I actually look forward to his little tongue darting out to moisten his lips during his songs now. I'm tempted to turn it into a drinking game, but he does it so often that I'd end up very drunk very quickly. By the way, if you've never tried it before, having a few drinks while watching The Idol makes it much more fun. Anyway, David was as wonderful as ever and the peen-crazy girls in the "Mosh Pit" went apeshit throughout his song. I don't blame them, if I were a love sick teen virgin with my hormones raging all over the place, I'd be in that pit screaming out for some Archuleta lovin'.

Michael Johns - “A Day in the Life”. Ah, sweaty Micheal is one of my favourites and I even know this song quite well as my brother had it on a 7" vinyl single and he used to play it endlessly when we were children, much to my annoyance. The judges slammed this performance, but I thought he was good this week. It just goes to show how easily I'm distracted by a hot, sweaty, sporty Australian man.


Brooke White - “Here Comes the Sun”. This is actually one of the few Beatles songs that I like, possibly because it was written by George Harrison rather than Paul or John. George was always my favourite Beatle. You know, I've tried really really hard not to like Brooke, but her song choices and performances over the last few weeks have been so good that I'd begrudgingly started to like her. Luckily, this was awful and she totally botched up a great song. The whole thing was forced and her attempts at 'dancing' were stiff and at one time she actually let out a "whoop!" Oh, Brooke, go back to the heartfelt ballads, that's what we like about you, not this "happy" shit and what was with the yellow Big Bird dress she had on?

David Cook - “Day Tripper”. Now then, David's one of those people that I simply refuse to like, no matter how good he is. I don't know whether it's that flat, combed-over hair that refuses to arrange itself into any recognisable style (notice how he's resorted to wearing hats a lot recently?) or whether it's his doughy potato face which betrays a possible inbred ancestry, or what. I don't know what it is, but I just don't like him. Simon's right when he says that he needs to vary his performing though. I can't wait for Country week!

Carly Smithson - “Blackbird”. It started out fine, actually it was quite good, but you know that Carly can't leave a ballad well alone and she had to break out and start with the yelling and the gurning halfway through. This one really annoys me now, I don't know why Randy and Paula love her so much. At least Simon had the good sense to stick the boot in the week, dismissing her performance as "indulgent."


Jason Castro - “Michelle”. Is it just me, or does Jason seem really out of it? I swear he's doing reefer, no one's that laidback and goofy without some kind of herbal supplement. Anyway, he remains one of my favourites so I don't care what he sings and the girls in the "Mosh Pit" sure seem to agree. Then again, those horned-up teens don't seem particularly fussy.


Syesha Mercado - “Yesterday”. Syesha is someone that I ought to like, but I've yet to warm to her. Sure, she's got a big ol' voice, but I never feel that she connects with her songs, she only seems interested in hitting the big notes rather that expressing a lyric.

Chikezie - “I’ve Just Seen A Face”. I liked him last week, he was one of my favourites, but after tonight I've put him back at the bottom. He started off slowly, then played a bloody harmonica, then the song got really fast and I ended up just confused at what he was trying to do or what the song was about.

Ramiele Malubay - “I Should Have Known Better”. Oh, Sweet Lord Jesus, you really should have known better, Ramiele! After last week's forgettable and boring performance, Ramiele outdid herself with yet another trainwreck of a performance. Usually, the producers seem to arrange it that the best two performances open and close the show so I had hopes of an improvement when I saw that Ramiele was the last to sing, but this was just plain awful. It was drab and sing-songy and she pretty much looked bored herself throughout the whole thing when she made a minute and a half seem like an awfully long time.


So, who's going to go? I picked Kristy last week and she's my choice again this week. Hell, if by some miracle she manages to stick around for next week, I'm already nominating her as my pick to go. The girl is a trainwreck!

American Idol - the first cut from the final twelve!

The show kicked off with another of those hideous group medleys that I love to watch as everyone is so clearly hating every second and barely rehearsed. It was a Beatles/Lennon/McCartney medley so of course I thought it was awful and, as if that wasn't bad enough, Ryan announced that since "Idol" had received so many calls and emails this week, it had been decided to do a second week of Lennon/McCartney songs. Oh, sweet lord Jesus on a stick! I just want the embarrassment of Country week or Latin week and bored celebrity mentors.

After much winding up and torturing of the Idol kids, Ryan finally got around to announcing the bottom three this week. All our favourites were safe: Brooke, sweaty Michael, little gay David and Amanda. They did something odd though as each of the bottom three, Syesha Mercado, David Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook had to sing their songs again. Yeah, that's right, the first time wasn't bad enough, we had to suffer through it all again. At least Kristy Lee Cook had the manners to apologise for making us sit through her car wreck hillbilly number a second time: "'Sorry you gotta hear it again!''.

It did seem pointless though as it's not as if the second performance made any difference to the voting, it must've been just to pad out the show in the absence of having a mentor this week who's only there to plug their new album. Oh, and by the way, what the hell was all that nonsense with Jim Carrey? He was in a goddamn rabbit suit and on to plug some stupid film that's coming out I think, but he was just annoying. Oh, speaking of annyoing, did you spot Sanjaya and his trampy sister in the audience?

Anyway, Ryan let Syesha off the hook first and let her go sit down with the Idol kids were good this week, so it was down to David Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook and the one to go was David! Yes, our favourite ex stripper for the gays got canned. Wait a second, someone got less votes than the soulless bored-looking hootenanny Kristy? We have to suffer yet another performance from her next week?

American Idol 2008 the final 12 - Lennon/McCartney week!

Ok, so now the fun really starts! I love when the live shows start as it means that the dead wood has been eliminated (well, mostly.. I'm looking at YOU, Kirsty Lee Cook!) and we can just sit back and enjoy our favourites and wish bad thins upon the ones we don't like. American Idol has made a big ol' fuss about how this year the contestants are the most talented ever and Ryan has also made a huge deal about how they've finally gotten clearance to use songs from The Beatles. Oh dear, I never did like them. I know I'm going to get crucified for that remark, but I've never actually enjoyed them, even though I can appreciate their cultural importance. Anyways, let's see who manages to screw it all up tonight!

Syesha Mercado drew the short straw and was on first and sang Got To Get You Into My Life. Randy thought she was "pitchy" and Paula thought she "looked fantastic" so no change there. Although you have to admit that she's a very good singer, I didn't feel that the connected with the song at all. In her taped bit before singing, she went on about how she's love acting but she didn't bring any emotion to her performance tonight, she kinda just stood there and yelled her way through. A good big ol' voice (as Randy would say) but no heart. Not tonight anyway.

Chikezie Eze said he's was going to "put his own funk" on She's A Woman and he sure did! Now, I haven't liked Chikezie at all over the last few weeks. I found him subdued, lacking in confidence and predictable in his performing. But tonight, he surprised all of us with his remarkable turn tonight. Starting off a bit hillbilly, Chikezie had this astonishing energy throughout his song and showed a very different side of himself. I loved this and I so didn't expect to.

Ramiele Malubay made an awful song choice with In My Life. She's very pretty and she has a good voice, but this was dire! Paula gave her usual back-handed compliment of "You look lovely tonight. You look really pretty!" but Simon summed it up with his caustic comment: "I was bored to tears throughout the entire song from the awful standing on the stairs to the dreary song choice. Forgettable, boring, and I expect a lot better from you." That Simon doesn't mince his words does he?

Jason Castro sang If I Fell which I've never heard before but I liked it a lot even though I could've done without the stupid audience clapping. Jason looks kinda funny don't you think? I mean, he's handsome but his mouth is sorta goofy and out of control sometimes as if he's stoned or medicated. Maybe he is! Anyway, I liked this and I like Jason's soft voice and simple presentation. By the way, I've seen some shirtless photographs of Jason from his MySpace or Facebook or whatever and you know what, he's pretty ripped beneath the awful dreads and the "vintage" waistcoats.

Carly Smithson revealed that her roomate during the show is Amanda Overmyer. OMG could you imagine what it must be like sharing a room with her? Carly sang Come Together or, rather, she yelled her way through the whole damn song as usual. Don't get me wrong, I know she's got a very good voice but does she really have to grimace and gurn through everything? The judges all liked it though.

Ugly little David Cook came on next and sang a hideous RAWK version of Eleanor Rigby which I hated but the judges loved. I realise that he brought a lot of energy to it and it's always good for these Idol kids to bring their own personality to their cover versions, but there was way too much potato-faced yelling in this for my taste and don't get me started on the hair!

Brooke White sang a traditional version of Let It Be with no bells or whistles and it really worked for her. She's another one that I really didn't like at first but what I do like about her now is her ability to connect emotionally with the songs she's singing and the way she expresses the lyrics.

Before singing, David Hernandez talked about how he was going to be "working the stage" and I have to admit that I immediately thought about his days as a stripper in a gay bar. I mean, he's gonna know some good moves right? Anyway, it wasn't good, David was frantic and he'd made a horrible choice of song I Saw Her Standing There and there was lots of eyebrow movement and mincing about (he's gay, right?) but ultimately it was just weak and not particularly pleasant to watch.

Ah, my favourite girl Amanda Overmyer was up next. I adore her, she makes me smile each she comes on, she's fun and ever so Country. When talking about her song choice she said: "this was the first that I heard it". She sang You Can't Do That with her usual Amanda spin and it was wonderful. Like Simon, I didn't quite understand all the words but when a performer is this electric it doesn't really matter. I love, love, love her.

Sweaty Australian hunk Michael Johns sang Across The Universe and he was good but a little subdued. He still managed to have his usual "glow" at the end even though he just stood still during his song. He's definitely got sweating issues. The judges had a good moan that it wasn't exciting enough, but I think he'll stick around for a good few weeks.

Unlike bloody Kristy Lee Cook. Oh, I hate this one! I didn't even want to watch her effort this week but since I'm blogging it I forced myself. Luckily, she gave one of the most hilariously godawful performances I've ever seen in the Idol finals so I doubt we'll have to suffer her much longer. She sang this terrible hillbilly version of Eight Days A Week and to add insult to injury she looked bored throughout the whole mess. Afterwards, poor Paula just mumbled "I didn't get it, I didn't get it!" and Simon said it was horrendous and said she "sounded like Dolly Parton on helium!" Oh, she is so going to get shitcanned this week.

Last up was David "you can Only vote for him, You can't actually adopt him" Archuleta who sang a very misjudged Stevie Wonder version of We Can Work It Out. Ok, we all love David but he forgot the words! Plus, what's all the lip moistening? I swear his tongue slips out between each line. Yeah, I admit that it's a little bit horny to watch on but it's also very distracting. Anyway, despite the balls up this week, I reckon he's pretty safe based on his strong performances over the past weeks.

So, who's going to go? That Kristy Lee Cook, that's who! Oh, there's simply no justice if that dumb soulless bimbette doesn't get canned this week. I'm so convinced she'll go that I'm not even going to bother suggesting anyone else. Oh, by the way, don't you think that Ryan looked rather lovely in his skinny suit and tie this week?

American Idol - the final twelve!

Right, the important thing about the show tonight is that we found out who is going to be in the final twelve. We had a song from last year's runner-up Blake Lewis (Blakelicious!) the we get on to the good stuff. The first guy to get shitcanned was Luke Menard which was totally predictable and the poor nelly then had to mince his way through Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go) one last painful time. Then Ryan shitcanned Asia'h Epperson who was struck down by the Whitney Houston curse for singing one of her songs. Poor Asia'h, I liked her even though she chose awful songs each week.

The second girl to go was Kady Malloy, of course, and we were treated to an even more out of tune version of Who wants to live forever. The relief that she'd gone was palpable. The last guy to leave though was our Danny Noriega. Aw, poor Danny cried and we're all going to miss his sassy campy personality but somehow I don't believe that his fabulous flame of faggotry is going to be that easily extinguished. He'll be back.

Anyway, here are this year's final twelve Idol kids:

David Cook
David "You can't actually adopt him, you can only vote for him" Archuleta
Jason Castro
Brooke White
Syesha Mercado
David "Gay for pay stripper" Hernandez
Michael Johns
Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer
Kristy Lee Cook
Chikezie Eze

My faves: Amanda, David Archuleta, Jason dude, sweaty Michael and Brooke (as long as she picks the right songs). We'll see just how wrong I am!

American Idol - the top eight guys!

We're down to the final eight guys and this week's theme was the eighties. Luke Menard was first up and he sang Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go". Well, I say 'sang' but I should say that he murdered it, draining all the life and fun out of the song with his limp rendition. He's so going to get shitcanned this week. Luke puzzles me as he sings and performs in a campy manner, but he's just too dull to be gay. Anyway, he won't be sticking around to bother us much longer.


Unlike David "You can only vote him, you can't actually adopt him" Archuleta who sang Phil Collins' "Another Day in Paradise". It's hardly worth even trying to give an opinion about little David as he's so obviously going to win. He's cute, charming with an aw-shucksy personality that the voters will eat up and he sings on pitch each time. Unless he really screws things up, he's got the competition sewn up.


Oh, oh, it was Danny Noriega next! Danny came out and fanned the flames of faggotry by singing a bizarre version of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love". The arrangement was all a bit hoochie mama, like he was doing a burlesque act and, as if he doesn't get enough attention as it is, Danny put in some purple streaks in his hair to match his top. Such a little queen! Randy just didn't know what to make of it all, Paula said she admired him for being himself (i.e. being obviously gay) but Simon bitched that is everything about him tonight was horrible. Our Danny just rolled his eyes at that and snapped: "Whatever!" hand gesture included.

Ex gay bar stripper David Hernandez sang "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" and he did his Eartha Kitt routine as usual. What's with all the eye rolling and the come-hither looks at the camera? He should just come out and sing "Just An Old Fashioned Girl" and be done with it.


Australian jock Michael Johns sang Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" and although he was far from brilliant, his confidence and likeability should see him through to the last twelve next week. The rocker with the bad hair David Cook sang a rawk version of Lionel Richie's "Hello" and, although I'm going to hate myself for saying this, it was actually very good. Sure, he looked as dopey and boring as ever, but if you closed your eyes it became quite good.


Jason Castro was the highlight of the evening for me with his beautiful interpretation of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". There's a calmness about Jason that's very pleasing to watch and his vocals were simple and spot on. I still want to chop off that damn hair though. Last up was Chikezie Eze who sang Whitney Houston's "All the Man That I Need" with the obligatory change to the lyrics. Now, Chikezie clearly tried his best but this song was way too big for him. What is it I always say? Don't sing a Celine/Mariah/Whitney song unless you want to get your ass kicked! Will these kids never learn?

So, who's gonna go? Well, Luke obviously, then either Chikezie or, and this pains me, Danny Noriega. I like Danny a lot but even I'm not going to defend his hoochie mama performance tonight!

American Idol - the top ten guys

Tonight’s preshow taped bits feature the theme of “What People Would Be Surprised to Know About Me”. The producers are doing all they can this year to rip out any trace of a personality from these kids. First up was Michael "I'm a jock" Johns who sang Fleetwood Mac's “Go Your Own Way". He wasnt really very good and struggled with some of the notes but he’s a fit Australian jock, what’s not to like? He'll stick around for a few more weeks. Only teenage girls and gays watch this show so he's going to be fine.


In his taped piece, Jason Castro looked just about as awkward as he possibly could and said that he hates doing interviews. He still knows how to work the audience when singing though. He chose “I Just Wanna Be Your Everything” by Andy Gibb which I've never heard before and I didn't like but this guy's clearly going to go through. He just needs to get those nasty white dreads cut off and he'd be just peachy.

Luke "I'm in an acappella group" Menard minced his way through “Killer Queen” by Queen. It pretty much sucked but at least he sang it like a queen. Robbie "It's not a wig!" Carrico sang Hot Blooded” by Foreigner. As I was watching him my mind starting drifting. I think it was the hair. That's a wig, right? It's all matted and the parting isn't normal. Anyway, both were forgettable and I can't see either getting into the final twelve.


Oh, my favourite Danny “whatever!” Noriega was up next. He sang “Superstar” by The Carpenters. I adore Danny, I adore his campy fanning the flames of faggotry, his diva snaps, his Jane Fonda “Klute” shag, I adore everything about him and I so want him to progress until the latter stages. I also loved that he sang this song completely seriously and without any kind of ironic wink to the audience. He understood the lyrics and connected with the song.

Simon liked it too: “This was better, not a fantastic vocal…but you stand out in the crowd, you’re interesting…you look great on camera.” Simon knows a good gay when he sees one. Danny admitted that Simon was right about last week’s performance of “Jail House Rock” and he admits that he wishes he hadn’t given him the snaps and sassy head shake. I don't know, I'd rather liked that little burst of 'tude.


David "I used to strip in gay bars" Hernandez said that his surprise fact was that he did gymnastics when he was a little kid and won prizes but that he was embarrassed about wearing the little gym outfits. I think he’s over that now. David sang “Papa was a Rolling Stone” by the Undisputed Truth and, although he's good, I feel that he tries way too hard and sings several notes where one will do. He should simplify his presentation and find a way of showing more skin. Hey, it's a competition remember. And stop with the Eartha Kitt stuff!

Jason "I have blond frosted highlights" Yeager sang “Long Train Running” by the Doobie Brothers and smiled all the way through this song which is about Miss Lucy who lost her home and her family and she won't be coming back. Jason, that's not a cheerful song! If ever there was an example of a singer who was totally disconnected from their song, this was it. Simon said: “Last week was boring, this week it was just awkward and ordinary…and that horrific ending, I don’t know what you were doing there…it was like you were drunk at a party…I’m quite disappointed.” Oh, he's so gonna go this week, he's on Simon's shit list!

Chikezie Eze sang “I Believe to My Soul” by Donny Hathaway. Is it just or is Chikezie shrinking? I know he's not the skinniest guy but there's less and less of him each week. Anyway, Chikezie gave a much better performance than last week, he stayed on pitch and even managed a couple of hip thrusts for the ladies.

David "I like crossword puzzles and word searches" Cook“ sang “All Right Now” by Free playing electric guitar. It wasn't bad but I'm just not getting David. He's a bit aloof and doesn't really seem that involved in the competition. The most interesting part of his bit was after with Simon who bitched: “It was solid, it was sort of believable. I don’t think the film helped you…from tennis, to drag racing to crosswords. It’s boring. I don’t think you have a lot of charisma….”

David then had the inpudence to interrupt Simon at this point to say: “Fortunately, I don’t have to win you over with my charisma, I’ve got to win these people over.” Oh, you don't want to get on Simon shit list! Simon rolled his eyes and pointed out a few home truths to poor David. Hopefully he's learnt that his job as a contestant is to stand there and just take Simon's shit and not answer back!


David “You can only vote for him, you can’t adopt him” Archuleta talked about how he met the Season One finalists of American Idol when he was eleven years old which we saw via an old YouTube quality clip of little David singing “And I am telling you I’m not going” to Kelly Clarkson. Is it just me or is that not a totally inappropriate song for an eleven year old boy? Anyway, David sang John Lennon's “Imagine” and Paula cried: “One of the most beautiful performances I’ve ever heard…you are destined for super stardom.” Simon added: “You are the one to beat…there are 19 very miserable contestants tonight.” By the way, don't you think that little David looks uncomfortable with Ryan in the photograph above? Maybe. Just a little bit.

American Idol - the top twelve guys

Yes, I have been watching American Idol. I haven't blogged during the auditions because that's not my favourite part of the show. Sure, it's fun at first to laugh at all the no-hopers during the early rounds, but I just find it repetitive. How many awful and deluded bad singers can you listen to before it just isn't funny any more? Anyway, now the live shows have started I'm going to report back more often. We get the shows a couple of days later here in the UK and it's murder trying to avoid spoilers on the internet but at least the shows are now spread out over two days instead of the bleary-eyed five hour marathons into the night that we used to get previously.

Well, first up this week we had the final twelve guys who had to suffer through a Sixties theme. I don't mind these themes when they're related to a celebrity mentor as I think they can be fun and I always enjoy watching the black divas struggle during Country week and the Country singers struggle with Disco and so on, but I wasn't too hot on having a theme so early in the competition. I think it's better to just let them choose whatever song they like so we get an idea of their personality and musical preference. Plus, for a decade that was so exciting, these guys sure chose some forgettable songs.


Anyway, first of all I'll mention my early favourites. Danny Noriega sang Elvis's Jailhouse Rock and although he was awful, I like his campy diva personality and general nancy boy demeanour. I mean, no one ever mentions the G word, but it's kinda obvious isn't it? By the way, don't you think that he looks like a young gay Jane Fonda in Klute? He's a dead ringer for Bree Daniels, shag hair included! Despite murdering his song, he didn't take any shit from Simon when he criticised him and answered him back with sass and attitude. It was just like an episode of Ricki Lake but without all the fighting.

The next one I liked, though I'm sure you'll hate me for this, was Colton Berry. He said that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres (which is probably enough of a reason to keep him in) but I was thinking that he looked more like Madonna circa Papa Don't Preach with gap-toothed underbite included. Colton also sang an Elvis song Suspicious Minds but he predictably murdered it too. What's with these twinky gay guys and Elvis?


I also like the laid back cool dude Jason Castro. Ok, so dreadlocks on a white guy are heinous, but if you can manage to avoid looking at the nasty hair, he's got a good personality, he was clever enough to pick a good song, Lovin' Spoonful's What a Day for a Daydream and he was the only one to play an instrument. Jason's got a quiet confidence which is very appealing and the whole thing came across as effortless, but in a good way.


The fourth and last guy that I liked this week was Michael Johns. Oh, how predictable that I'd go for the hot Australian one! Ok, I admit that hiss sexual charisma got to me, but he's also a very good singer and easily one of the strongest guys in the competition this year. He sang The Doors' Light My Fire.


As for the rest, well they were utterly forgettable weren't they? Simon kept pointing out after each song that the guys just weren't making themselves stand out and he's right. Some of the guys were saying that they've been watching the show for years, but they clearly haven't understood anything about how to set yourself apart from the group. Let me remind them of one important lesson: never sing a soft ballad in the first few weeks. Each year they make the same mistake and they get canned. It's the ones who let rip and get themselves across to the audience that get votes.

Among the guys that I wanted to slap this week were Jason Yeager singing a turgid Moon River, Garrett Haley's pale faced version of Neil Sedaka's Breaking Up Is Hard to Do and Luke Menard's dull redition of Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin'. All three guys are handsome enough to get a strong fan base and these are normally great songs, but they just stood there and sang these incredibly boring versions. All three of them forgettable, though Garrett did get a funny response from Simon when he said that he looked like he'd been locked in his bedroom for a month and needed to get some fresh air. By the way, I thought it was funny that Ryan Seacrest said that Garrett looked like Leif Garrett. That's who I always got told I looked like when I was younger and I spent my school years being nicknamed "Leif", among other choice insults.

Right, who's left? Oh yeah, there was Chikezie Eze who sang off pitch throughout his entire godawful song More Today Than Yesterday. His mom sure seemed to like it but no one else seemed to. It just went on forever and I kept praying that he'd get back on key. At least he had the good sense to wear this crazy bright orange suit so we wouldn't be able to easily forget him. David Cook sang Happy Together but I've got a problem with David - he just looks so uncomfortable and uneasy and I don't know what his hair thinks it's doing but it's not helping.

I can't even remember the others. I don't know what they sang or what their names are. Oh, except cute little Danny "You can only vote for him, you can't actually adopt him" Archuleta. Who cares what he sings? He's cute as a button, he's got a great big winning smile, he can sing on key so we love him already. All in all, not a great show but not a bad one either. Well, at least there was no one as bad as Sundance Head. Remember him last year at this stage? He was the one who sang the worst version of House of the Rising Sun you've ever heard in your life. I still have nightmares thinking about it. I guess he managed to be memorable though, you have to give him that!