Any Dream Will Do final - Lee Mead wins, Keith Jack goes back to the supermarket

Well, we’re finally here. After months of watching effeminate young men lisp their way through the auditions, Joseph school and then the live shows, we’re down to the last two Joseph hopefuls, Lee Mead and Keith Jack. Lee was an obvious stand out from the early shows, but Keith has been a surprise. He got a lot of criticism in the early shows and didn’t look like a contender, but you’ve got to give him props for getting to the final.

The two finalists had to choose to repeat what they considered their best performances from the previous live shows. Keith Jack chose Elvis Presley’s Always On My Mind. You know, Keith wasn’t the best looking Joseph of the twelve finalists, but he’s a damn fine singer and always sings in key.

Lee Mead chose the Rolling Stones’ Paint It Black which was an odd choice as Lee is always fighting his tendency to be moody and intense. He couldn’ve chosen a lighter number.

Both their moms were in the audience and Graham Norton made us all cringe by asking them to do a pitch for their sons. Keith’s mom was in the audience, wearing a ridiculous multicoloured coat and reminded us how Keith had been working in a supermarket a few weeks ago. Lee’s mom just said that whatever makes Lee happy is fine with her. Um, I guess that bit wasn’t rehearsed. Jason Donovan was also in the audience but he wouldn’t be drawn on his favourite. Well, you just wouldn’t, would you? Not when they’re standing in front of you. Well, I would, but they don’t invite me on for some reason.

All ten eliminated finalists came back to sing a final group number, The Boys Are Back In Town. Didn’t Ben, Anthony and Rob look good? It was good to see my three favourite hunks back again. I do hope Ben Ellis gets some work out of this, I’d like to see him again.

Keith and Lee then had to sing Jesus Christ, Superstar for their last song. What can you say? They were both terrific of course. I wish the series had used more songs from musicals. C’mon, a show like this is bound to attract an audience that enjoys show tunes so it was a shame that we had to suffer through so many pop or rock songs. I don’t think the Josephs were thrilled about it either.

Before announcing the winner, Graham Norton presented a montage of the past few weeks with all the tears and there sure were a lot of those! Andrew Lloyd Webber said that they hadn’t been expecting as many tears as the previous year when they were finding a Maria for The Sound of Music, but he said that the boys had cried even more than the Marias had. Lord Webber has been bitching and moaning about the namby pamby boys over the weeks, but he can hardly talk. He’s not exactly butch himself.

Right, so let’s get to the good stuff. Graham stood between Lee and Keith, who both looked so nervous that they’d wet themselves, and announced that Lee Mead was the winner. Poor Keith! He didn’t look too bothered though and just looked happy to be there in the final. Lee managed to crack a smile for the first time in weeks and ended the show in his new Joseph multicolour coat and sang Any Dream Will Do. At the very end, Ben and Rob lifted Lee up. Ah, those boys!

Well, that’s it. Yet another compulsive reality TV show over. There was talk of Lord Webber doing a search for Jesus Christ, Superstar, either here in the UK or in the US, but that hasn’t been confirmed yet. He’s teasing us.

I do enjoy this format of show though and they could do so many. Oh, just imagine a search for Mama Rose for Gypsy. They could call it Coming Up Roses. Even if Lord Webber doesn’t do another one, there’s bound to be another producer who sees money in them musical theatre hills. The publicity for the theatre production has been huge and ticket sales have been very healthy. Ka-ching!

Any Dream Will Do final with Lee, Lewis and Keith

Lee Mead, Lewis Bradley and Keith Jack were out final three Joseph hopefuls but they were joined last night for a group number by all the eliminated finalists, dressed again in their Joseph coats to sing the opening number Go Go Go Joseph. It was lovely to see our boys all back together again, but the poor previously eliminated Josephs obviously haven’t been humiliated enough as they had to line up and the end and go through the ritual of giving up their coats yet again and hand them over to presenter Graham Norton. Graham looked very enthusiastic about stripping off their coats and revealing their pecs.

We saw a clip of what happened after the show last week. The three finalists were flown off to Majorca to relax. Andrew Lloyd Webber had the three Josephs at his hideaway villa in Majorca, drinking champagne, eating Lewis’s birthday cake and lounging around shirtless on a yacht. It all looked very cosy!

Lewis Bradley sang first. He’s obviously chuffed to be in the final. He’s been in the bottom two three times and been saved from elimination three times. Lewis sang Prince’s Kiss. Um, Lewis tried his best but all that bumping and grinding had little effect on me. I dunno what you think, but Lewis hardly oozes sex appeal. Keith Jack sang For Once In My Life and he was as terrific as ever, but it was an odd song choice, kinda old fashioned and a bit cabaret. Lee Mead sang Elvis Presley’s Devil in Disguise with some serious tuning issues but the judges seemed to forgive him so I think he got away with it. I doubt opening night critics would be so kind.


The second round was themed with big band numbers, which is probably my least favourite genre of music. They always do it on the X-Factor and American Idol and it just leaves me cold. Lewis sang Bobby Darrin’s Beyond The Sea and was another Joseph with pitching issues. Keith Jack sang Van Morrison’s Moondance and he was right on key. Lee Mead sang Frank Sinatra’s New York, New York and started off in trouble with the lower notes, but ended up much better.

It’s really hard to choose between anyone when it gets to this stage of any talent competition. My choice of winner would be Keith, mainly because he’s developed so much from the early weeks and, vocally, he’s so good. He’s got a big ol’ voice that really suits musical theatre. He looks a bit funny though. Maybe. A little bit.

Anyway, at the end of the first show, Lewis was eliminanted, which of course made him cry and cry and then cry some more, leaving Keith Jack and Lewis Mead in the final. Ooh, who’s is gonna be? Probably Lee though I’d love Keith to win.

Any Dream Will Do semi-final results show

After a brief introduction with more shameless self-promotion from the boys, we were treated to yet another group number. The Josephs sang Queen and David Bowie’s Under Pressure, featuring some very shaky falsetto from Lewis.

This week, the Josephs were sent off to the West End to meet the cast of The Lord of the Rings musical. Yes, there is a musical version of The Lord of the Rings. Betcha didn’t see that one coming. One of the actors said that he’d be very wary of someone from a reality TV show getting a part in a West End show. The boys didn’t look too pleased at that. Better get ready for some backstage bitchin, fellas.

Lewis Bradley and Ben Ellis were in the sing off, which I guess was appropriate as they’ve been in the bottom two more than any of the Josephs through the series. Presenter Graham Norton revealed that Ben had the lowest votes. Ben!

They had to sing I Dreamed A Dream from Les Miserables and Lewis’ mom cried and cried throughout the performance. It’s a very difficult song, full of high notes, then low notes and it never really took off, but Ben gave the more emotional performance, just as he’s done each time he’s been in the sing off.

Be that as it may, Lord Webber decided to save Lewis. Lewis! Ah, poor Ben. I can’t believe he’s not in the final. He was my favourite from the beginning, but always had difficulty getting the public vote and attracted some overly harsh criticism from the judges. Ah well, hopefully this won’t be the last time we see the lovely Ben Ellis.

Any Dream Will Do – down to the last five Joseph hopefuls

Now we’re down to the last five Joseph wannabes on the BBC’s Any Dream Will Do. That stage is starting to look pretty bare these days during the group numbers. This week, the theme was Joseph’s journey through the musical and five of his qualities to be performed by the last five Josephs: a dreamer; his vulnerability; his betrayal; his courage and, finally, his arrogance. The idea was to take the Josephs out of their comfort zone and make them perform songs which would bring out qualities that they hadn’t shown before.

First up was the new favourite, Lee Mead, now that Daniel Boys has been eliminated. During his taped introduction, Lee talked about his grandma and how she hadn’t lived to see him perform. This elicited a tear from our manly Lee, which as you know, is always a plus for garnering votes. Lee had to sing The Monkees’ Daydream Believer which is a great pop song, but not really a challenge for anyone to sing. Predictably, he did well and got a great response from the judges. Unfortunately he decided to look into he camera at the end and put a fixed grin on his face, which only served to creep me out. I prefer Lee dark and brooding.

The gorgeous Ben Ellis was up next and he had to portray vulnerability. I’ve always thought that Ben looked kinda vulnerable anyway and shows his emotions freely, especially when faced with a sing off. No matter, this choice of vulnerability allowed for a taped introduction which show Ben tapping into his fears and vulnerable side by dropping into a pool at an aquarium and swimming with sharks. I didn’t care about any of that but it did show us lovely Ben changing into a skin tight wet suit, with a teasing glimpse of flesh as he zipped up! Well, onto the song. Ben sang Roy Orbison’s Crying and, oh dear, he made a real pig’s ear out of it. His falsetto was all over place and so was his pitch. The judges were lenient thought and just said that he’d had the hardest song to sing. I didn’t mind though, Ben’s so dreamy, I just enjoy looking at him, I don’t care how he sounds. At the end, Ben looked straight into the camera and smiled, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Betrayal was the next quality to be performed and Craig Chalmers was chosen to display this. Craig has been way too nice throughout the competition, but during his introduction, he hilariously slagged off all the other Josephs. I reckon he finally realizes that this is a competition, not summer camp. Ooh, and we also got a bit of footage of the boys playing football, with a shirtless, sweaty Craig just in his footy shorts. Um, do you know, I think I’m warming to him now. Before singing, Andrew Lloyd Webber warned him not to smile and go all “cabaret” on us, which is his usual style. Craig sang Elvis Presley’s Suspicious Minds and, although he started well and scowled, he ended up grinning as usual and performed as if he were singing Happy Talk. Tsk, he really should’ve listened to Lord Webber, shouldn’t he?

Lewis Bradley had to tackle the quality of Courage next. In his introduction, he just cried and cried and cried. No wonder he’s so skinny, Lewis must be dehydrated with all those tears. He also looked very spotty indeed. That must be why he has so much pancake slapped onto his face each week. Lewis had to sing Enrique Iglesias’ Hero which he acted out with a very bored looking and much older Josephine. He sang well, but there’s something about him that I just find comical and frankly unattractive. Oh, I know who he reminds me of now! Don’t you think he looks just like that Australian comic, Bob Downs? You know, all orange and toothy. Um, just a thought. Maybe a little.

The last Joseph to perform was little Liza Minelli lookalike, Keith Jack. In his introduction, Keith was shown struggling to find his inner arrogance and saying to the camera that he didn’t know if he could dig it out of himself. What he didn’t know was that the other Josephs had been interviewed and they all said that Keith was the most arrogant little turd they’d ever met. Bitches! Graham Norton said:”Will Keith be Joseph? Who can tell? The suspense is killing me..” He’s a sarcastic bugger, that Graham. Keith sang Robbie Williams’ Let Me Entertain You with a decidedly unentertained Josephine dementedly freak dancing either side of him. Keith’s not my favourite, but he has come on leaps and bounds over the weeks. He’s probably improved the most of all the Josephs.

Who’s gonna go? I reckon Craig. He’s the weakest singer and his performances are just a bit one-note. There’s not much versatility or emotion there. Ah well, as Lucia would say: ”We shall see what we shall see.”

Joseph – Any Dream Will Do down to the last six

The Josephs started off by singing Go Go Go Joseph from the show, but a really odd disco version. Oh, and what did Zoe Tyler look like tonight? A horrible orange dress and blue eyeshadow smeared all around and below her eyes. She must’ve gotten dressed in the dark without a mirror.

Tonight, they sang a mix of solo and group numbers, but first of all, Lord Webber had a moan about the horrible stage mothers. Cue a shot of Lewis’ scary Mom and Grandma.

First up was Keith Jack and in his taped intro, he talked his girlfriend! Well, that surprised me. Bless him, he talked about how they met at the supermarket they work at. Oh, it’s just too glamorous. He sang Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl. I’ve never liked this song, despite trying my best. It’s one of my best friends’ favourite songs as she’s a brown-eyed girl herself, but I just can’t summon up the requisite enthusiasm. Overall, it was a weak performance. It was hard to stand out though, as it’s quite a laid back song. Afterwards, Keith revealed that the other Josephs reckon that he looks like Liza Minnelli!! Presenter Graham Norton did a photo comparison and it was an uncanny resemblance. Those Josephs are such bitches.

Lewis Bradley talked about the humiliation of being in the bottom two last week. He sang Bette Midler’s The Rose (even though he said it was Westlife’s, these young ‘uns have no culture). He started off well, but started singing a bit out of tune and his voice sounds tired. He still looks nervous too. Afterwards, Graham showed a video clip of Lewis dancing, dressed as a milkman when he was a little kid. They always do that when someone’s vulnerable but the producers would rather like to keep them. Lewis got slated by Zoe as unemotional.

Next up was my favourite, the gorgeous Ben Ellis. In his taped introduction, he was shown going back to this home town and having loads of horny school girls screaming at him. Oh, and he sang and Elvis song! Blue Suede Shoes. Have you spotted what they’re doing here? Tonight’s theme is colours so that must explain Zoe’s godawful drag. He wore a nice tight fitting t-shirt and gyrated his hips like nobody’s business. He danced well with two of the Josephines and seemed to use every available space on the stage. At the end, he raised his arms and showed up some lovely armpit hair. My, I nearly fainted! Denise Van Outen called him “hot to trot”. John Barrowman called Ben his Joseph. Hands off, Barrowman, Ben’s mine! Lord Webber said he was “terrific” and seemed to assume that Ben would be back next week.

The first group effort was with Keith, Lewis and Ben. Lewis wasn’t happy with the grouping, Ben bitched about Keith’s harmonies and Keith just sulked. Oh, these boys aren’t friends. They had to sing The Rat Pack’s That Life and try to act as if they were friends. Well, they tried, but only Ben really looked comfortable with the others or even attempted any interaction with the other two. Zoe and John Barrowman both agreed with me and reckoned that Ben had the most star quality.

Former stripper Craig Chalmers had to sing a Michael Jackson’s Black or White and we had lots of tiresome footage of his trying to learn some dance moves. The vocal coaches were horrified when they saw his effort and were having none of it and banished the dance moves. That was lucky for Craig as he’s not a dancer, to say the least. He’s not particularly good at singing either. Lord Webber questioned his lack of charisma.

In his filmed intro, Daniel Boys went back to his old job for the day and completed off some unfinished filing. Daniel sang Will Young’s Evergreen. Um, there was something odd going on in his trousers, it looked as it he’d stuffed a sock down his crotch. Either that, or Mr Boys is a very fortunate man. He’s got a great voice and his singing is so much better than any of the other Josephs. He’s our Melinda Doolittle, technically excellent but lacking that little spark of star quality and, sure enough, John Barrowman criticised him for being bland and said “we’re looking for a technicolour dreamcoat and tonight we got beige” and Lord Webber talked about his lack of charisma.

Lee Mead was next and cheeky Ben showed us around Lee’s room and how he lives in a shit tip and just eats steak all the time. Lee keeps a Joseph CD next to his bed! Lee sang The Rolling Stones’ Paint It Black and he did quite a good job, with none of the tuning issues of previous weeks. I still think he’s a bit too dark and brooding to play Joseph and this song choice didn’t really help his image. Don’t get me wrong, he’s very talented, but I think he’d be miscast. Give him Phantom or Judas instead.

The second grouping was Craig, Daniel and Lee and, like the first group, they spent their time bitching about each other. They were given Barbra Streisand’s Don’t Rain On My Parade to sing together. They all did well. In fact, all the Josephs did well tonight. My pick for the bottom two would be Keith and Lewis. I’ll give Craig the week off as I’d rather see him in his loincloth than Keith or Lewis. They’re far too scrawny.

Any Dream Will Do

Ah, it's that time again. It's Saturday night and my TV is tuned to the BBC's Any Dream Wil Do yet again, with a few Malibu and pineapples to help me through.


Rob McVeigh sang Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run in a leather jacket! Maybe he thought he was on Grease is the Word on the other channel. I like Rob a lot, but he's been given a hard time by the judges over the last few weeks and, even though he sings well, Lord Webber keeps saying that he just can't see him playing Joseph and, if he doesn't like you, you haven't got much of a chance, which must affect Rob's confidence. Someone who doesn't lack confidence is Daniel Boys, who sang Rod Stewart's Maggie May. Daniel has been criticised for being too nice previously but instead of developing some attitude, he'd just grown some stubble. He's still obviously the favourite though, he's simply so professional, you'd trust him to carry a show for you. He could make an effort and sex it up though.

Lewis Bradley sang The Monkees' I'm a Believer. During the week, his pushy mom came around to talk some sense into him as he'd lost his confidence over the past couple of weeks. His mom was having no nonsense and kept saying "How much do you want this?" Not as much as her it seemes, she came across as a bullying stage mother, living her life vicariously through her mediocre child. There was a funny bit after his song when presenter Graham Norton asked him how his life had changed during the competition and Lewis said that he'd never farted so much! Um, I don't think that was the life affirming answer Graham was looking for. Stroppy Lee Mead was fed up last week and revealed during his taped introductin that he'd wanted to leave, so this week he rather appropriately sang Will Young's Leave Right Now. Oh, but I thought he was out of tune and hoarse throughout, however the audience seemed to like it. They must be very easily pleased, just like the judges. Lord Webber said he was "awesome" and sourpuss vocal coach Zoe said he was very good too, which just smacked to me like they wanted to make sure they kept their favourite Joseph in the running.

Craig Chalmers sang This is the Moment from Jeckyll and Hyde and, as usual, he just stood still and sang stiffly into the camera with no interaction whatsoever with the studio audience. Doesn't he realise that it's a competition to be in the theatre? He livened it up a bit towards the end but it was still pretty bad. Luckily, he'd laid off the fake tan for once and didn't look quite so Oompa Loompa this week. He's still got those oddly pale pink lips though. The judges said he was good and Craig just stood there and cried and cried, fer chrissakes. Shame he doesn't bring the same emotion into his performances.

In his pretaped interview, Ben Ellis amusingly bitched about Lord Webber and complained that he flows hot and cold. Ben sang a Tom Jones number, Just Help Yourself and camped it up fabulously with the two sequined Josephines. Graham showed a brief video clip of Ben when he was a kid, being kissed by a girl at school. You can always tell when the producers want to really keep a contestant in as they choose to show a sentimental clip just before they get the judges' comments. Next up was last week's surprisingly strong performer, Keith Jack. This week in rehearsal, Keith's job was to butch up and act a bit older. Keith sang Elvis's Always On My Mind. He'd been dressed up in a suit and sang well, but oddly chose to cry throughout his song which just made him look like a petulant child, which kinda went against the intention of trying to show a more mature side.

They ended up with a hilariously bad group number, The Kink's You Really Got Me. Ah, it brought back happy memories of Sanjaya Malakar. They tried their best, bless 'em, but they just looked like a bunch of virginal boy scouts. The only two Josephs with any sex appeal at all are clearly Ben and Rob. Denise Van Outen seemed keen though, no surprise there. I bet she's stuck fast to her seat and has to be prised off after the show, the dirty bitch. You know she's only on the show to get a new boyfriend.

There's always a filmed piece just before the results and the mission for the Josephs this week was to learn how to be a cocky bastard when playing Joseph, so who else was going to teach 'em than our very own cocky, bastard judge John Barrowman. Oh, but it was pathetic, with little Keith crying, Craig failing to even push the others in pretend anger, but Ben and Lee did well. Ben especially stood out in a little spat with Lee which tipped over from acting exercise to getting personal.

There was no separate results show tonight because of the Eurovision Song Contest taking over the schedules so we had the sing off straight away. The bottom two in the sing off were Rob and Lewis. They had to sing Tell Me It's Not True from Bloodbrothers. Poor Rob sounded very nervous and looked thoroughly pissed off. I think he knew it was his time to go as he's never had much praise from Lord Webber. Usually, the guys sing really well in the sing off but they were both pretty poor and very pitchy this week. Given the option, I would've kept Rob, the show needs his testosterone. Lord webber obviously prefers a nancy boy as he saved Lewis. Poor Rob. It was nice to see his Joseph coat finally removed at the end so we could see his manly physique. It made a change from some of the skinny chickens who've left over the past few weeks.

Any Dream Will Do - another one gets his coat ripped off and the door closed in his face!

Ok, it's the results show for Any Dream Will Do and this week we were graced with the presence of Meatloaf, who had to suffer the indignity of having one of his old songs, Dead Ringer For Love, performed by our Josephs. Honestly, these guys can make even a butch rock anthem sound camp.

Before the results were given, we had the usually padding and this time, judge John Barrowman went to the Joseph's house and tutted over how much junk food they've been eating so the Josephs were sent to barricade bootcamp on the set of Les Miserables. Graham Norton sarcastically wondered if Chris, Lewis and Keith, with all their youth and virility, could show the way? Their appalling performances showed that they cleared couldn't. Daniel and Lee weren't fit enough either. The lovely Ben, however, proved to be all manly and virile indeed and, according to the leading men of Les Miserables, Ben and Craig were the best of the lads.

So, on to the good stuff and this week's result. The bottom two were Chris Barton and Craig Chalmers. So, no surprise there really. During the sing off, the two of them looked so orange with their fake tans that I wanted to adjust the colour settings on my TV. Surprisingly, just like last week, the bottom two really sang well during the sing off. It seems that they only put so much effort and emotion in their singing when their necks are on the line.

When it came down to it, Lord Webber did what he always does and decided to save the good looking one so Craig was saved and it was goodbye to Chris with the big teeth. Oh, I know I say it every week, but Any Dream Will Do has the best ending of any reality show ever, it's so emotional. The remaining Josephs sing Poor Poor Joseph while the elimated Joseph sings Close Every Door and gets his Joseph coat ripped off. With most results show you just want to see who leaves, but with this one, you actually enjoy the final song. Damn, I love this show.

Any Dream Will Do - Down to the Last Eight

We're down to the last eight Josephs on Any Dream Will Do and the song theme this week was songs from 1967 (the years Joseph was written) until the present day. So, pretty much anything then. In a remarkably bitchy introductory video, the Josephs were asked to talk about their fellow Josephs and the boys didn't hold back! They slagged each other off mercilessly, especially picking on odd-looking Keith, for being odd-looking. Well, he is. Kinda. Maybe a little bit.

Anyway, the very lovely Ben Ellis was up first and he sang Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love. Ben has become my absolute favourite. I don't think he'll win but I'll be very happy to see him stick around until the end. Did you notice the naughty camera work? It rested on his gyrating crotch area in tight close up a few times which was a treat. I know he's only 18 and I shouldn't be having my wicked, wicked thoughts, but he's such a cutie. And at 18, he's legal! Craig Chalmers sang Frankie Valli's December 1963 Oh What a Night. Now, there's a problem with Craig and it's his complete lack of charisma, apart from being an inappropriate Oompa Loompa shade of orange. You wouldn't know he's a stripper from the stiff, lacklustre way he sings and moves. He looks like he couldn't care less. Good voice though.


Already one of the favourites, Lee Mead sang Status Quo's Alright Now, but unfortunately he screamed the whole thing and really pushed his weakened voice too much. I think he's very talented but I don't think he'll be a great Joseph, he's too smooth and kinda brooding for the role. Odd-looking Keith Jack sang Wet Wet Wet's Love is All Around and he was really great. I've thought of him since the beginning as being one of the vulnerable ones, llkely to go in the first weeks, but he sang so well tonight and got great comments from all the judges. He even kinda didn't look quite so odd either. Amazing what a change a great vocal can make.

Lewis Bradley sang Toploader's Dancing in the Moonlight but his voice was strained throughout. There was far too much footage of his rough looking Nana Jean and his equally rough looking mom. After a certain age, you need to dress in an age appropriate manner and wearing a vest top after a certain age and displaying your bingo wings is definitely not appropriate. Hunky builder Rob McVeigh sang Take That's Back For Good and he really struggled with it, his falsetto was all over the place and you know what, it made me actually appreciate chubby Gary Barlow's singing as I didn't realise his songs were so difficult. A murdered Take That song got rid of Antony last week, but I hope Rob doesn't get elimated because of this mistake as he's been so good up until now.

Chris Barton sang Lionel Richie's All Night Long and it was just as awful as you'd expect. He's another funny looking one, he kinda looks like a Cheestring and he totally lacks any discernable masculinity or sexuality. After this performance, he must be a front runner to get the push. The other favourite, Daniel Boys, sang McFly's It's All About You. Daniel clearly has the best voice of all of them, plus he really acts out his songs. The judges said he's too nice and they're right. I've said before that I'd love to see Daniel come out and be a real badass one week.


So, who's gonna go? Based on their performances this week, I'd say Rob, Chris and Craig are at risk. I'd be happy to see Chris or Craig go, Rob's just about the only real man left in the competition, we need his testosterone!

Any Dream Will Do - the second elimination

Graham started off the show looking very serious and said that one more Joseph would leave and "only the Lord can save them now". Even the regal Lord Webber blanched at that remark.

The Josephs all sang Queen's One Vision and did their best to be all masculine and rock star like, but it didn't work did it, Keith? Anyway, on to the good stuff and we went back to the filmed bit in the loincloths. Judge Denise Van Outen and Lord Webber went into the dressing room to check up on the boys undressed in their loincloths, with multi coloured trims! Now, look at the photograph above. Don't you think that those loincloths looked pretty large. Way too much coverage.

Well the surprise for the Josephs was that they all had to come on stage one by one and sing a song in their loincloth for Denise and Lord Webber, but what they weren't expecting was that their moms would also be on the stage, glaring at them. What was hilarious was how rough looking some of the moms looked, all fake tan and heavy make up. Keith, Chris and Lewis all forgot their words during their song and after finishing, went outside for a cry. Lord Webber said that they needed to sharpen up. I think he meant butch up!


The two Josephs with the least votes had to face Lord Webber in the Sing Off. This surprisingly involved sexy jail bait Ben (that's the lovely Ben shirtless above) and sourpuss old Seamus and they had to sing The Hollies' He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother.They both sang incredibly well, seeing as they got the lowest votes and Lord Webber saved the lovely Ben. Nice one. Poor Seamus, as usual, had to sing Close Every Door in front of the other Josephs. Though did you notice that when it came to taking off his Joseph cloak, Seamus seemed a little reluctant and put up a bit of a struggle!

Any Dream Will Do - Double Elimination Night

Any Dream Will Do surprised us by offering two eliminations tonight. At the start of the show, Lord Webber was obviously on the rag and criticised the boys for being "wimpy and paranoid" when he watched rehearsals during the week, which is exactly what a bunch of wimpy paranoid Josephs want to hear at the start of a live TV show.

In his preview piece, Seamus Cullen said that it was all abut rock n' roll. Well actually it isn't Seamus, it's musical theatre. Previously, he sang backing vocals for Rod Stewart and Shakin' Stevens and ol' Shakey even found the time to send a tape goodwill message. Seamus sang The Rolling Stones Start Me Up. Lewis Bradley sang The Beatles I Saw Her Standing There. It was so hammy. Not even hotel cabaret bad, more end of the pier. Lord Webber criticised Lewis for adding a single word "and" to the song. Jeez, that old sourpuss is picky.

Rob McVeigh's preview piece went on and on about his home town of bloody Rotherham. Rob sang Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman. I like Rob, I think he's the only heterosexual one and you can't deny that he's got a blokey charm about him. Antony Hansen sang Take That's Patience and he completely buggered it up. His falsetto was terrible, really weak. He looked like he lost his confidence after that. Poor kid, he's only 17. Hot body though. That's sexy Antony shirtless below.


In his preview, Chris Barton cried and cried about being in the bottom two last week and said he had been ashamed. What a drama queen! Chris sang Billy Joel's Tell Her About It. He tried to dance but he looked mighty uncomfortable. Those sexy girl dancers next to him didn't help either. Chris looks like he's never even touched a woman in his life. Ben Ellis, the Jail Bait with the perfect skin, sang Ronan Keating's Rollercoaster. I'm too busy looking at sexy Ben to really listen to him. He had on a very fetching pink t-shirt and John Barrowman said that he'd worked out what he liked about Ben. He said that Ben "loves to perform". In your wishes, John.

Lee Mead and Daniel Boys are the most experienced and clear favourites. "Dreamcoats at Dawn!" Graham said. Daniel sang The Lady is a Tramp. He acts his songs a bit too much but I still like him. I just wish he weren't quite so polished, I'd like to see some of his rough edges. He's gotten himself a tan and he so clearly wants this. Lee sang Rod Stewart's I Don't Want To Talk About It. The song was acted out, which I hated but the judges all loved.

Keith Jack sang Elton John's Crocodile Rock, which is just about the gayest choice you could make, apart from a Cher song of course. He wore a t-shirt with a print of a tie on the front. What, does he think he's Chachi now? At the end of his song Keith winked into the camera which nearly made me rejurgitate my dinner. Graham Norton should've warned us about that. Craig Chalmers sang Stevie Wonder's Signed Sealed and Delivered. I like Craig and, unlike most of the guys, he interacted well with the Josephine dancers. As a male stripper, he's probably one of the few who's actually had to be near women. Way too much fake tan on him though, with oddly pale pink lips. He can look a bit like an Oompa Loompa at times.

Craig and Antony were in the bottom two and during the sing off in front of Lord Webber, Antony could barely hit a note on pitch. Hilariously, each time Antony hid a bad note, there were lots of close ups of Anthony's rough family hugging each other and crying. Ooh, his mom and grandma - dog rough, both of 'em. Where on earth did the lovely Antony pop out from?

My favourite bit of the show is definitely the end. Oh, it's fabulous. The losing Joseph wannabe has to sing Close Every Door, surrounded by the other Josephs and they rip off his Joseph coat and all cry and hug each other. I love that.

Oh, go on then, I'll blog Joseph: Any Dream Will Do

Now, I wasn't going to blog Any Dream Will Do, heck, I wasn't even going to watch it. There's an awful lot of reality TV around so I have to prioritise. However, since it's easily the gayest TV show in the UK ever, I simply couldn't resist.

Ok, so let me walk you through it. Andrew Lloyd Webber, sorry Lord Webber, is looking for a hot young actor to play the lead role in his upcoming revivial of Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. We've already had the auditions (bad, but never as entertainly bad as American Idol or The X Factor, the BBC is far too nice for any of that yummy cruelty) and Joseph School, so now we're onto the Final Twelve and the weekly live shows.

The host is Graham Norton, which should already clue you in on the direction of the show. The judges are Denise Van Outen, hot gay actor John Barrowman, the lovely Bill Kenwright and fag hag voice coach Zoe Tyler. Lord Webber watches the action from an actual throne (I kid you not) and, once the judges have finished, dispenses his own acid comments on the guys. Don't you think Lord Webber looks more and more like The Queen as he gets older? I dunno, just a thought.


I'll just highlight a couple of my favourites from this week. First up, the very lovely and very young Ben Ellis, or as I call him, The Jail Bait. He has such nice skin for an eighteen year old. When asked about his experience in the show so far, he's says his favourite part is "Working man to man with John Barrowman, has been both influential and emotional! I've learnt a lot off the guy.". Hmm, is it just me or does anyone else detect a frisson?


My other favourite is the studly and appropriately named Daniel Boys. I think he has a look of Chris Isaak about him. That stupid grinning photograph above doesn't really do him justice. When asked about his hobbies, Daniel replies: "Obviously I love to sing and act, but apart from that I love to cook, go walking, read (although not as often as I should), go to the cinema and go out for dinner with friends. I love eating, and sleeping is a favourite of mine too!" You can listen to his singing on his MySpace page.

Anyway, the first wannabe Joseph to get canned this week was Chris Crosby. Chris chose a bad tactic in his introduction clip. He talked about how he had found religion and was filmed going to church etc. Well, that sort of tactic may work on American Idol, Chris, but this is England and we like our stars to be good heathens. We only go to a funeral or wedding in church to be polite.