X Factor semi final week and the circus comes to town!

So it's the semi final of X Factor and look who we're left with: Rhydian, Niki, Leon and Same Difference. I bet you didn't think that they'd be in the semi final line up. I sure as hell didn't, except for Niki and maybe Rhydian. There was thankfully no theme this week but the format was that each act had two songs, the first one chosen by their mentor and the second one they could choose themselves.


Niki Evans was first to sing and she sang Songbird which is probably most famous now frmo the Eva Cassidy version. I loved this performance. Niki can belt out a song, but I'm not a fan of that kind of singing, I prefer something softer and more soothing. Niki was given a hard time from the judges though as Sharon, Dannii and Simon all thought it was too laid back and soft. I thought they were all really unfair on poor Niki. As she pointed out, she's older than the other contestants and she performs in a different style. She's still my favourite, the only one I would actually listen to and I love the way she always talks back at Simon. She's polite about it, but she gives back as good as she gets. It must be all those years as a dinner lady and dealing with snotty schoolchildren. Niki ain't gonna take no sh*t from no one!

By the way, Niki's ample bosom must be getting quite a fan base. I got a large number of visits this week from readers who had searched on google for "Niki Evans boobs"! I love Niki's heaving boobies too and I agree that they're very impressive, but I'm sorry to disappoint you as I don't have any pictures of her fighting puppies. I think you'll see that you won't find any titties on this blog, we're strictly dickly!


Poor little sad depressed Leon Jackson sang Tony Bennett's The Very Thought Of You looking as miserable as ever. At one point he singled out some girl in the audience and sang part of the song to her. Despite this bit of interaction, Leon remained as introverted and inexpressive as always. Dannii should put a little something something in his drink or pass him a few "pep" pills. The poor lad needs something to give him a jolt! The judges must've heard a different performance to me though as Louis, Sharon and Dannii all thought it was great. Luckily, you can always rely on Simon to stick the boot in and cut through the crap and he snarked: “Let’s get real. The beginning of the song was almost out of tune, the bit in the middle with the girl was corny, and the last 30 seconds were pretty good". Thank God for Simon.

The Rhydian was up next and Dannii chose Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water for him to sing. Now, you'd think that this would be a simple performance with Rhydian standing behind the microphone and nothing else, but oh no. We had two sets of dancers on either side of him, emoting and carting wheeling, plus bursts of smoke during the high notes. It was way too much and it all got a bit Cirque du Rhydian. I was almost expecting a midget to float by playing the piano. Despite all this nonsense, you have to admit that he sang well. I still wouldn't want to listen to him if I heard one of his songs on the radio. Imagine getting up hungover on a Sunday and hearing him blast one out. That voice can grate!


Simon next introduced his last act, Same Difference, and sarcastically dedicated the song to Louis. Oh, Louis hates them so much! I read this week that he hates them because they're full on Christians and he detects a bit of hate the sin, love the sinner from them. I don't know if it's true, but it would explain his obvious discomfort and utter loathing. Anyway, Sean and Sarah sang Diana Ross's Chain Reaction and this time is truly was Cirque du Same Difference! We had a hot lion tamer, a black shaved and oiled muscle man, a hot tattooed guy in leather straps, a fortune teller, a gymnast, a clown, a juggler, you name it! To add to the cheese, Sean and Sarah camped things up with air grabs. Oh, you gotta love those air grabs! During the performance, we had lots of close ups of Louis looking suitably horrified and disgusted.

Louis and Simon had a good old bitch fest afterwards, acting like a couple of Pantomime dames. As ever, Sean and Sarah looked at bit bewildered at these two old queens battling when what they're meant to be doing is judging the performances, but they ought to be used to it by now. Oh, and by the way, who are those readers who found this blog after searing for "sean same difference shirtless"? I didn't know that the X Factor contestants had such sex appeal, especially Sean. We'd better not tell Sarah in case she gets jealous! You know how especially close she is to her brother.


Big boobied Niki came on for her second song and she had chosen Whitney Houston's One Moment In Time for herself. Ooh, I hate this song! I just knew she'd be tempted to belt it out and she sure did. Niki has a lovely voice but I prefer it when she sings softly and doesn't yell. As Simon said afterwards, it was all a bit shouty in the middle. It was probably the first performance that I really didn't like but, luckily for Niki, the judges all liked it.

For his second song, little sad Leon chose How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) which I've never heard before but it's done in a jazzy style. Leon wore tight black leather trousers and had pretty young dancers gyrating at his side and shaking their titties at him, but our little depressed Leon was as somber and shut off as ever. What does it take to cheer up this boy and get him to reveal himself and open up a bit? As ever, the judges must've seen a completely difference performance to me as they all raved about it - except Simon of course. You can rely on Simon to snipe.


Next up was the Rhydian who chose Gerry and The Pacemakers’ You’ll Never Walk Alone which is a song that always makes me roll my eyes. It was a good performance but I'm not a fan of the song but yet again, the judges raved about it and you really got the impression that Simon in particular would like Rhydian to win.

The last performance was Same Difference who sang S Club 7's Never Had A Dream Come True. Before the song, we had a pre taped bit where Sarah moaned about not having any friends at school so her brother was her only friend. See, I told you these two were unhealthily close! When I was young I couldn't stand my brother and sister and that's how things should rightfully be! Anyway, they sang the song with a Christmas setting with snow, scarves and mufflers and it was all very heart warming in a way that'd please your grandma. Sarah was crying at the end and Sean comforted her. No doubt he'll probably do a bit more "comforting" once they get back to the X Factor house later. Am I evil?


Right then, who's going to go? I'd pick little sad Leon Jackson, but really no one had a truly great week and any of them could go. Well, since I watched this on the repeat on Sunday (I was out 'socialising' again last night..) I'll do the results now. Same Difference were the first act through, then Rhydian. That's two of the acts in the final that I predicted to friends over the last two weeks. That just left Niki and Leon but what happened? Bloody Leon got through and Niki was sent home. Oh, the humanity!

Never mind, see you next win for the final. Can't wait, whoot!

X Factor - Best of British week

Right, so I finally got around to watching a repeat of Saturday's X Factor. Isn't lucky for us how it's repeated like every day for the entire week? I think it's shown at least three times on the Sunday. The theme this week was Best of British which surely meant at least one Queen song for the Rhydian and he didn't disappoint.

Rhydian Roberts was up first and he sang Queen's Somebody to Love posed on top of a piano with some ladies dancing around. We know that Rhydian prefers male dancers, but he can't have gyrating sailor boys on stage with him every week! Oh don't know what to say about Rhydian now, it's pointless to even bother to criticise him. I still don't like him but at least he understands the X Factor process and makes an effort every week. As Paula Abdul might slur on American Idol: "You just did what you do!"

Next up was the dreadful fakey girl group Hope who sang the Spice Girls' 2 Become 1. Well, I say sang, but I should say murdered. After all the criticism of Simon only ever using Phoebe as lead vocal, the girls shared out the singing duties this time but it only highlighted how poor they are. There was a good reason why these girls didn't make it through boot camp as solo singers! Oh, it was awful and even Simon told his own act that it wasn't good enough. Heh, that Simon's such a bitch.

Niki Evans was up next and she sang Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse Of The Heart with a very cute male singer to her side. Seriously, how hot was that guy? They should've gotten him competing in the show, I'd vote for him! I thought this was the perfect song for Niki's voice and personality and all the judges liked it. Dannii got bitchy at the beginning, telling Niki that after watching last week's performance again on the telly she thought Niki had been out of tune throughout. Dannii paid for this remark though as Louis got his own back by making a comment about Dannii's own singing abilities: "As for Danniii… singing out of tune?… ho-ho!" Meow, saucer of milk for Mr Walsh!

Poor little depressed miserable Leon sang another Queen song Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Well, I suppose he tried his best. Good voice but, as ever, zero personality. The judges all liked it though, they must be seeing something that I don't. Maybe Dannii could put a little something something in his drink. You know, just to perk him up a bit, give him a jolt. Just an idea.

Creepy brother and sister act Same Difference sang Any Dream Will Do from the Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice musical Joseph. Oh, Simon laid it on thick with this one. We had candles and we had children so it would be impossible to criticise them without coming across as being plain ol' mean. That didn't stop Louis though who was on rare catty form tonight: "Sarah and Sean, you’re in the final five and you’re in the final five because children really like you, and we’re not looking for anyone for Joseph but if we were, I’m sure you’d be perfect". Heh, that Louis really knows how to hand out a back-handed compliment. Good for him.

Right, so they were the first songs and then we were treated to yet another song from each act. I think the idea was to sing one mellow song and one up tempo song. You know, to show versatility.

Hope opened the second part of the show with yet another Queen song We Will Rock You but oh dear, oh dear. It wasn't very good was it? Louis piped up with a classic barb: “Girls, I absolutely love your attitude, the image is brilliant… but would Freddie Mercury have liked it? No, he’s spinning in his grave!” prompting Sharon to say: “Ooh, the venom! There are knives everywhere!" Who's she trying to kid? Sharon lives for this kind of sh*t.

As Dannii introduce sad little Leon, he takes a well deserved swipe at Louis: “This is especially for the most bitter man on TV, this is Leon”. Ooh, do you think that Dannii doesn't like Louis? Maybe, just a little bit. There was this odd bit when we came back from the adverts and Sharon was sitting on Simon's knee but Dannii was missing. I read in the gutter press that Dannii was so upset with Louis bitchy little remarks that she had to leave the judges' bench to calm down. Anyway, back to Leon. He sang The Beatles' The Long And Winding Road and, as ever, good vocal performance, very little personality to engage with. He'll be out next week.


Same Difference came on and sang Wham's Wake Me Up Before You Go Go which, let's face it, was a brilliant choice for these two. They started off singing from two single beds (aw, and I always thought that Sean and Sarah enjoyed sharing a bed..) surrounded by dancers in pyjamas. It all ended up with a pillow fight and feathers all over the stage. Sharon said: ”OK, the only thing we need now is some puppies and some bubbles. It was fantastic, it was cheesy, it was silly… but everybody loves it!” Simon got a good bitch in at Louis' expense: "You are absolutely the opposite of Louis Walsh. You’re young, fun, good-looking and relevant… I absolutely loved it”. Simon looked like the cat that got the cream as he said it.

Niki came on for her second song and sang Eva Cassidy's Fields Of Gold. It's a Sting song, but we all know this from Cassidy's haunting version. From day one, Niki has reminded me of Eva Cassidy so this was another perfect choice for her. Nothing more I can say about her really, I just want to see her in the final. She's the only person this year who I would actually want to listen to if they released an album. Lovely voice.

However, Rhydian's clearly the favourite with the producers as he got to close the show as well as open it. He sang the traditional Welsh hymn I Vow To Thee My Country with a bit of the rugby anthem World In Union thrown in for good measure. I don't know, I suppose Moms would like it. I'd never buy an album off this guy, imagine actually having to listen to that voice!


Right so, who's gonna go? Well, Hope obviously and about bloody time! And so, after a medley from Duran Duran during the results show, we were finally put out of our misery and Hope were sent back to the obscurity that they so warmly deserve. There was no vote from the judges this week, it was entirely down to the audience phoned vote. Result!

Semi-finals next week, whoot!

X Factor - down to the final six and it's Love Song week!

Oh, I haven't done a recap of X Factor for weeks! I've been neglecting my gayboy duties so let's get on with it now I'm back in the mood.

This week was Love Song week after Simon went and cancelled last week's previously announced Motown theme which was a good call as Motown week is always the dullest, none of our British acts ever seem to 'get' the right vibe. Anway, since this was Love Song week, the producers clearly though it was high time to manipulate the heartstrings and each act was allowed home (with a camera crew of course!) to see their families and show what humble, nice people they are.

First up was Beverley who clearly has an absolutely lovely family. Beverley sang Harry Nilsson's (or Mariah Carey's) Without You but, although she sang with all her heart, the song was a little bit too much for her and she strained some of the notes. Don't get me wrong, I like Beverley a lot and she's the only Strong Black Woman left in the competition, but i didn't think this was her best song though the judges seemed to like it. Ah well, what the heck do I know!

Same Difference bounced on and sang Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now. Strangely, they sang the song without looking at each other and that was such a disappointment. Here was the perfect opportunity to see this slightly too close to each other brother and sister gaze adoringly into each others eyes and sing a tender love song to each other, but I guess even Simon thought that would be too creepy. Do you think Sean and Sarah share a bedroom at the X Factor house? I do hope so. My friends hate me for this, but I want to see Same Difference in the final, I think they're the most perverted act we've ever had on the X Factor and I love them for that reason. Wholesome family entertainment, my arse!

Niki Evans came on and started out singing Jennifer Rush's The Power Of Love in a lovely acapella style, before the orchestra kicked in and Niki ended up belting it out with a few flat notes creeping in. A shame, as I love her voice for it's breathy quality and the softness she has when singing these power ballads. Maybe it was just nerves, but she definitely overstretched her voice and it ended up a bit shrill. She looked great though so props to whoever styled her this week.

Next up was Rhydian Roberts who has somehow become the favourite to win. Rhydian sang Somewhere from West Side Story and you have to admit that he did a good job of it. I still don't like him or his voice, but it was a well controlled performance and he kept it all on key which most of the acts didn't manage to do tonight. His mentor Danni was crying at the end. Well, she said she was crying but it was hard to tell as her face is still frozen from all the botox she's had. Dannii has claimed that she's given up on the botox for now, but that poison takes months to leave your system and give your expression back to your face so she still looks like a boiled egg with a face drawn on with felt tip. Anyway, back to Rhydian, I still don't think he'd sell many records if he won, but I could see him do very well on the stage. Oh, and how soon do you reckon before he comes out? I reckon once the shows over the story will break. There's been some nonsense in the press this week about how he's shy with girls. Oh please, well all know what the "shy with girls" bullsh*t really means!

Fakey girl group Hope sang Christina Aguilera's Hurt but it wasn't good at all was it? We had Phoebe singing the lead vocal yet again with the other four girls looking bored just doing their whoo whoo bit in the background. I don't normally agree with Louis Walsh, but he was right when he picked up on this and complained that they weren't singing as a group. I've gone right off Hope, (not that I liked them in the first place!) so I hope this is their last week.


Leon closed the show with Ray Charles' You Don't Know Me. Little depressed, sad Leon is a bit like Ray Quinn from last year in that he clearly loves a certain style of music and likes to stick to that and nothing else. I mean, I have to admit that he's got a good voice, but I'm just not into all this Michael Bublé kind of thing.

So who's gonna go? Well, based on tonight's performances, I'd say Hope should go and good riddance!

Ok, we've just had the results show so I'll post about that here now. What a disappointment! The bottom two were Hope and Beverley. Simon and Sharon saved Hope with Dannii and Louis saving Beverley so it was Deadlock! (cue dramatic music and visuals in the studio) where it was up to the public vote and, since Beverley had the lowest vote, she had to go. Aw, it's such a shame and it only made me dislike Hope even more. Let's hope those tramps get kicked off next week!

X Factor results show week 3!

There was no mentor for Big Band week but that didn't mean that we were going to be left off the hook. Oh no, we still got a "celebrity" performance so we had to sit through Boyz II Men singing a medley of Motown songs. I don't think I was the only one confused as to why they were there and why they chose those songs. Whatever, Simon's probably financially connected to them somehow and they've got a new CD to promote. Anyway, on to the good stuff and the results!

Although Dermot always says that the results are read out in no particular order, but that's obviously not true. The order is chosen for maximum drama but this week they had the good grace to put Alisha out of her misery first by declaring her safe for next week. Our little Diva sure looked mighty relieved! Then poor sad depressed Leon was saved, then Beverley, Rhydian, Same Difference, Niki and Andy. That left two of Simon's groups in the bottom two. Heh, I bet Simon would never have thought that Same Difference would emerge as his strongest group!

So Futureproof and Hope got to sing again, but I think it was already obvious who was going to go. I don't like Hope, but at least they're fun in a Girls Aloud sorta way. Futureproof have just been too dull, even with the hotness of Adam. Louis and Sharon both chose Futureproof to send home, Dannii chose Hope which left Simon with the final decision and he sent home Futureproof. The lads looked gutted and made noises about how this isn't the end of the group, but somehow, I don't think they'll be troubling us again.

Next week is apparently futuristic week, whatever the heck that means.

X Factor song list for Big Band week

Here's the song list for Big Band week on tomorrow's X Factor:

Boys 14-24

Andy - 'This Guy's In Love' by Herb Alpert

Leon - 'Fly Me To The Moon' by Frank Sinatra

Rhydian - 'Get The Party Started' by Pink (I stilll don't like him but I think this is perfect and I'm strangely looking forward to this!)


Girls 14-24

Alisha - 'Valerie' by The Zutons and Amy Winehouse (oh, please be good and pull this one off, Alisha!)

Over 25s

Beverley: 'Feelin' Good' by Nina Simone

Niki: 'All That Jazz' from the musical "Chicago" (good choice, I hope she puts some oomph into this!)


Groups

Futureproof: 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You' by Andy Williams (these guys are gay enough already without having to sing this!)

Hope: 'Hanky Panky' by Madonna (Simon will be stuck to his seat!)

Same Difference: 'Reach' by S Club 7 (aw, bless)

Have you noticed someone's missing? Uh huh, silly Emily Nakanda has been outed by the tabloid press as a Happy Slapper and filmed attacking other dumbass teenagers and so she has left the show. I blame that YouTube. Ah well, at least Emily won't have to sing any more boring songs or wear those horrible outfits the stylists picked out for her.

A show spokeswoman said: "In response to the stories in the papers this week regarding Emily Nakanda we have conducted our own investigations into the matter and we can confirm that she has chosen to withdraw herself from the competition with immediate effect."

Emily's Mother said, "As a family we are heartbroken and are very disappointed with Emily's behaviour, we feel that there is no choice but to withdraw Emily from the competition. Emily and all the family sincerely apologise to both Anna, her school and all the fans that have supported Emily. Emily regrets her actions but there is no way, as a family, we can excuse her behaviour. Emily is very sorry to have let the show, Sharon and the viewers down."

Sharon Osbourne said that she is "deeply saddened by this whole situation." I bet she is, it's only the third week and she's already lost two of her acts! And with Alisha showing none of the promise she had during the auditions, it's only a matter of time better she has none. Poor Sharon, I bet she wishes she'd gotten the groups now!

The X Factor - Movie theme week with Celine Dion!

I know, it's only the second week of X Factor but it already feels like it's been on for ever! Anyway, we had Celine Dion on this week doing a masterclass with the acts. Oh, I love super crazy Celine and she didn't disappoint. My favourite bit was where she said that although she only got to spend a couple of minutes with each act, she felt as if she got to know them all very well and even fell in love with a few of them. Wow, she's so intense, she creeps me out! All four judges were back of course - you didn't really expect Mrs Osbourne to walk off the show did you? It was just all good publicity.


Ok, first up was fakey girl group Hope who sang Lady Marmalade which was used in "Moulin Rouge". Celine advised them during her "masterclass" to add lots of whooos! and waaaaaahs! through the song. She's funny. Now, the girls (and Simon) have obviously decided that Sex Sells so they were trussed up in just their bustiers and satin knickers and gyrated their way through the song. It was all a bit too much for me, they may as well just pull out their vaginas and put tassles on their titties. Simon enjoyed it though and did you notice how sweaty he was at the end? He was dripping!

Little moaning, uncomfortable, sad Leon Jackson was next and, after last week's disaster, he toned things down with singing Home, a Michael Bublé song from the film "The Wedding Date" which he already sang at boot camp a few weeks ago. He was better than last week and Leon has a good voice, but he always looks so nervous. Simon made a crack about how Leon looked like one of the young boys that Louis lures into his dressing room! That Simon cracks me up. And what about Louis, telling Leon that he has no charisma. As if Louis can talk about charisma! Then he had the nerve to say that his group Westlife have done a much better version on their new album out on Monday. The cheeky old queen!

Beverley Trotman was up next (without the diva wig!) and sang Whitney Houston’s I Have Nothing from "The Bodyguard". I like Beverley and she sang well, but she's gotta watch her facial expressions. On the high notes, she sort of scrunches her face up like she's trying to pop out a dry pooh and it's so not pleasant to watch. I like her though and hope she carries on.

Now, I like Sharon Osbourne, I'm a huge fan, but I have no idea what she thinks she's doing this year with the girls. Last week, she deserved to have two acts in the bottom two with her rotten song choices so you think she would've had a rethink and chosen better songs for this week. Well, that's what I would've thought, but Sharon went and let Alicia Bennett sing Say A Little Prayer (used in "My Best Friend's Wedding") wearing a huge pink bow in her hair. Oh, what has happened to Alicia? She was so good in the auditions but this was dull and uninspired.

Next up, the uncomfortably close brother and sister group Same Difference sang Breaking Free from "High School Musical". I don't know anything about that film, but I do know that my ten year old niece loves it and I had to get her the DVD for last Christmas. What can you say about these two? Just lots of cheesy grins and air grabs. I only wish they'd sing all their songs looking into each others eyes and maybe kiss at the end. You know, on the lips or something. Oh, I'm sick!

Daniel DeBourg had to sing Build Me Up, Buttercup from "There's Something About Mary" and it was just awful. I liked Daniel from the beginning and he had such good songs throughout boot camp, but this was a mess. He kept a-whooping and a-spinning to try and inject some energy, but this was just embarrassing to watch. Daniel looked as bored with the song as we were. He'd be better singing something slower with a bit of R'nB, not this shite. It's fun when you're drunk at a wedding, but it's not suitable for X Factor. I think Louis has buggered it up again. Let's face it, he's fun when laughing at people during the auditions, but he's really just an old fart.



Oh, sweet Lord Jesus, Mary Mother of God, it was The Rhydian up next. As if last week wasn't creepy enough, Dannii let him sing The Phantom of the Opera with all the campness and pyrotechnics we all now expect from him. After he sang for Celine, she just looked at him opened mouthed and, for a second, I hoped that she was going to say: "what the fuck was that?" but oh no, she loved it. I only loved it at the end when Mrs Osbourne said that she had revised her opinion of him and now liked him because he was a bigger drama queen than her! Rhydian didn't contradict her... anyone else smell gay? I have no idea why the judges like him so much, Simon even called him "world class"!

Emily Nakanda came on and sang Britney Spear’s I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman from "Crossroads". Dear oh dear oh dear. WTF is Sharon doing to these young girls? First of all, that bloody purple outfit with the beret! Yeah, that's exactly how a fourteen year old wants to dress, FFS! Oh, she was awful and pitchy throughout (by the way, wouldn't you love to have Louis replaced with Randy Jackson? Oh, that would be dreamy!) and she had this fake smile on and tried to act all cheerful and bouncy. It just didn't work. Like I said last week, give her something downbeat and sad to sing, she'd nail that.

Fakey (but hot) boy band Futureproof sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now and did a good job. I still think they're good five solo singers who just happen to be standing next to each other on stage and singing instead of being a real group that interacts, but who cares when they're this cute? Speaking of cute, Andy Williams was up next but Dannii made the unfortunate choice of Staying Alive from "Saturday Night Fever" for him. Didn't she realise that this song is a bugger to sing? Poor Andy looked very awkward trying to dance his way through this ditty. They definitely saved the best for last (as the producers always do!) when Niki Evans sang Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On from "Titanic". Sure, she sang a few bum notes when it changed key, but Niki sings with such conviction and heart that it doesn't really matter. Nice rack too.

Now, because I recorded this and watched it back this morning, I'm gonna go straight to the results show. Celine came on and sang her new song because, you know, that's the real reason why she was on - a free trip to London and she gets to sing her song in front of millions of viewers - she doesn't give a hoot about any of these acts! Anyway, something must've been wrong with her headpiece because she kept reaching behind to try and fix it and she sang way off key. Sometimes it's a shame that the judges don't get a chance to bitch and moan about the guests too!


Ok, so Alisha and Daniel were in the bottom two and it wasn't really surprising. Only Andy and Emily were anywhere near as bad. So what do you think happened? Well, after last week's walkout from Mrs Osbourne, you didn't think that Simon would let another of her acts leave so soon did you? Of course not! Simon voted poor Daniel to go which allows Alisha to get voted off next week. Well, she's been in the bottom two twice now so I wouldn't be optimistic about her chances!

By the way, it's the Big Band theme next week which is probably my least favourite themed week and the guest act is Boys II Men. I wonder what they'll make of The Rhydian!

X Factor result - Kimberley goes back to karaoke in the pub.

After a mimed performance of her new single from last year's winner Leona Lewis, Dermot announced the acts going through to next week in no particular order (apart from messing with the contestants heads and to produce maximum drama for the audience).

So, through safely we had: Leon Jackson; Daniel de Bourg (who looked very surprised); Emily (looking confident); Futureproof; Andy Williams; Niki Evans; Hope (almost jiggling out of their outfits with excitement); Beverley Trotman; Rhydian Roberts (oh bugger, arse, bollocks) and Same Difference (the look of relief on their faces!).

And that left Kimberley Southwick and Alisha Bennett. Hey, I wasn't far off with my predictions! Anyway, the most difficult part of the results show is watching the bottom having to sing their songs again, knowing that they were the least popular with the public and could get canned from the show.

Aw, poor Kimberley lost it when the music started for her song and she began to cry. She got better, but crying at the beginning was going to cost her with the judges. It's a live show and they need someone who'll pull their sh*t together. Alisha did a lot better and gave a stronger performance than earlier. Not stronger vocally, but she delivered the song much better.


Sharon Osbourne was being a drama queen and dramatically refused to vote and threatened to leave the show. Now, I adore Sharon but she's always with the drama that woman. Anyway, no hissy fits for Simon who voted briskly to send home Kimberley. Dannii sent home Alisha after much drama and deliberating. It's live telly Dannii, dammit! Louis chose to send home Kimberley as he reckoned that Alisha was more likely to improve over the weeks. So, that was that, Kimberley was sent home to go back to singing karaoke in her parents' pub and she didn't even get to sing her song once last time as the show must've run over time. It just wasn't her day, poor cow. Bless.

But hey, I got the result right! Maybe I'm not so bad at this sh*t as I thought.

X Factor - the first live show!

It's the X Factor live finals, finally! It's time to hold X Factor parties on Saturday night, choose your favourites, argue with friends over who's gonna win and snicker at the horrible "glamour" make-overs the contestants have been given. Speaking of which, what the heck happened to Dannii Minogue's hair? Dannii's spent way too time around the gays for her to think that she could get away with that mess sitting on her botoxed head. Get some straighteners and get it sorted for next week Dannii!

Things kicked off with Kimberley Southwick, 19, from Tamworth, Staffs who sang It's Raining Men which must've been mentor Sharon Osbourne's attempt to get some gay votes. It was a bit of a dog's dinner though, Kimberley was all over the place, with her all-bouncing, all-jiggling boobs and her singing was way out of key in places. Next up was the hottest of the younger guys, Andy Williams, 22, from Newport, South Wales. Andy sang Rod Stewart's I Don't Want To Talk About It which is one of my favourite songs ever and I liked his simple rendition. The girls in the audience went apesh*t when he finished so I reckon he'll be staying around for a few weeks. Those teenage girls get horny and want some guy candy to look at!

Fakey made-up group Futureproof (Aaron Delahunty, 19, Adam Chandler, 21, Matthew Protheroe, 17, Richard Wilkinson, 23, and Sean Rumsey, 20) sang Robbie Williams' She's The One. They're all good singers, but let's talk abut Adam. Damn, he is so hot. He's the cute one with the shaved head and I reckon Futureproof will easily get the teen girl and gay vote and stick around. Is it just me or did the guys have way too much make-up on? Beverley Trotman, 37, from Luton, Beds sang Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive but although she sang well, Beverley just looked uncomfortable with the Diva outfit and routine she'd been forced into. Nice try, but I'd prefer something a bit more low-key next time.

Emily Nakanda, 15, from North London sang George Michael and Aretha Franklin's I Knew You Were Waiting For Me but I didn't like it. I know she's only 15 so Sharon tried to give her something upbeat and cheerful to sing, but I reckon that Emily's much better singing something soulful or downbeat. There's a quality of sadness about her that ought to be brought out and exploited. Leon Jackson, 18, from West Lothian, Scotland sang the weirdest version of The Beatles' Can't Buy Me Love that you'll ever hear. Poor Leon totally stuffed this one up. I mean, he's a good singer, but it was a horrible, jerky arrangement and he look uncomfortable throughout the performance and couldn't even raise a smile.

Brother and sister group Same Difference, Sean and Sarah Smith, 21 and 18 respectively, both from Portsmouth sang The Bee Gees' Tragedy. Now, I like these two. There's definitely an appealing sick quality to them. Yes, I know that they're cheesy but I kinda like that and this is X Factor after all. They actually did a good makeover on Sarah and I thought she looked pretty. You can tell that she's wears the pants in this relationship, she comes across as sweet but with hints that she's bossy as hell behind the scenes. I'd like to see them sing love songs and look into each others eyes in a way that's a little bit uncomfortable for the audience to watch. Oh, that would be dreamy!

Niki Evans, 34, from Tamworth, Staffs did herself proud when she sang Prince's Nothing Compares 2 U. It was like we were seeing a professional singer for the first time in the show. It was a brilliant choice of song which perfectly showed off her talents. Alisha Bennett, 23, from Wembley, London sang Gabrielle's Dreams but she was really disappointing. I was hoping for a young Strong Black Woman, but she kinda just fizzled. She sang out of tune in places and the whole thing was just a damp squib. Oh, I hope she stays in the competition and comes back with something better next week. Mentor Sharon did the right thing and took total responsibility for choosing the song.

Oh no, it's time... I've been dreading this, but I suppose we have to get it over and done with. Rhydian Roberts, 24, from Powys, Mid Wales was next up and he bellowed (there's no other word for it) Meatloaf's I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That). Wearing black and with his hair bleached and spiked up, Rydian pranced around the stage and at one point went nearer the audience and got pelted with red roses. I think it was meant to be romantic gesture, but some of those roses were definitely thrown at him with a bit too much force. Ok, so Rhydian's the new Chico and it's all a big joke, but I really don't want to see him back again every week. It's all too much...

Hot dad Daniel De Bourg, 31, from London sang a rather quiet (and off-key) version of Bryan Adams' Heaven but it wasn't his best. I think Daniel's better at doing some R'nB, this kind of rock ballad doesn't suit him at all and he was a bit boring. Aw, and he was one of my favourites too! Lastly, the other fakey group Hope (Charlie Mole, 23, Emily Biggs, 17, Raquelle Gracie, 20, Leah Lauder, 20, and Phoebe Brown, 16) sang the song that Daniel should have sung, Rhianna's Umbrella. What the heck was Raquelle wearing? I couldn't concentrate on the singing as I was too concerned with whether or not her boobies would fall out of that top she almost had on.

Right then, down to the nitty gritty: who's going to go? Um, I reckon Kimberley gave the worst performace but Alisha was pretty forgettable and Daniel was dull. Hmm, Kimberely's going to go I reckon. Check back later and see just how wrong I was.
You know I never get these things right, don't you?

X Factor results - the final twelve are chosen!

Ok, so let's see just how wrong I was..


Dannii made her choice among the boys aged fourteen to twenty four and, although she picked Andy Williams, she sent home Luke Beyer, Dominic Harris and Charlie Finn which left us with Leon Jackson and, wait for it.. bloody effing Rhydian. WTF? One of the things that X Factor does so well is prolong the torture for the contestants. Each one, win or lose, has to go home to face their families and friends who are gathered together and hear the result in front of the waiting cameras. Most manage to put up with this final indignity, but poor little Luke didn't even bother saying anything, he just went into the room and burst into tears. Ah well, I guess his mum must be used to it by now. Since Andy was the only one that I picked earlier, he's gonna be my favourite to do well in this group. With any luck, Rhydian will spare us and make a very sharp exit. Oh, let's hope so. I can't watch weeks of this stuff if he's gonna be prancing around on stage, puffing up his chest and telling us how it's all God's plan.


With the the girls aged fourteen to twenty four, Sharon chose two of my favourites, Alisha Bennett and Emily Nakanda. Mrs O also chose chunky barmaid Kimberley Southwick but sent home Vicki Closs, Kim Howlett and Steph Woods. I'm so glad that Alisha got through, she's definitely my favourite in this group. I also like Emily, but she's kinda quiet and hasn't got quite the same oomph as sassy Ms Alisha.


Next up was Louis with the over twenty fives. Thankfully, he sent home Icaru (back to the shelf stacking and off our TVs, just as things should be), Daniel Days and Zyta and kept Niki Evans, Daniel de Bourg (the hot single dad one) and Beverley Trotman. Although Louis isn't my favourite judge, I like his choices more than any of the others this year and I'd like to see all three do well in the competition and I'd be very happy seeing Dan win. There, I already stuck my neck out and said who I want to win and the live shows haven't even started yet...


Oh, but I'm forgetting the groups, the category that everyone hates and who end up getting canned quickly during the first live shows. Simon sent home Ghostt, I Sette Cantante (aw, such a shame!) and the Stepford Wives, sorry W4. That leaves us with brother and sister act Same Difference and the two manufactured fakey groups, Hope and Futureproof. So they all went home and told their loves ones. But that wasn't the end of the drama. Oh no, there's always a last minute twist on X Factor and this year's was that Hope band member Sisi Jaglef has an outstanding criminal conviction, which is against the rules. Anyway, Sisi was canned by one of the producers, then they called in the rest of the group. After Pheobe, Raquelle, Emily, Charlie and Leah heard the news, they were asked if they wanted to continue in the competition. Without missing a beat, they all said Yes and happily dumped their fellow band member. That's loyalty for you. I guess Simon and Sinitta were right when they said these were a bunch of very ambitious ladies!

Anyway, the first live show is in two weeks as the Rugby World Cup is on instead. I know, the nerve of it! And get this, it's a semi-final, not even the final. Bloody ITV, who do they think they are, the BBC? How're we gonna survive without our X Factor?

The X Factor - now we get down to the business end of things

So, here we are finally at the business end of things. The remaining twenty four hopefuls are gonna be ruthlessly whittled down to the last twelve for the live shows so I hope you're quick readers as there's a lot to get through while I make my snap judgements about them! Dermot kicked things off with Dannii Minogue who has the boys in Ibiza, helped by Terry Roland. By the way, weren't you surprised by Dannii's house? I don't know if that's her real house but I didn't know she'd sold enough records to afford a place like that! Or maybe there's more money in 'erotic' calendars than I thought..


Anyway, let's kick off matters. Remember Andy Williams? He's the cute guy from Wales who got the tattoo on his ass after his first audition. He has a nice voice but when he sang Dame Elton John's Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word he stuffed up a few of the high notes. Then again, by this stage of the competition, it's not about who can sing but who's gonna do well in the live shows and win. Fifteen year old school boy Dominic Harris was next and he sang I’ll Be There by The Jackson 5. I like Dominic a lot and I really hope that he's in the final twelve. He's confident without being cocky, and he comes across as a polite lad who's been brought really well. Eighteen year old Leon Jackson bitched and moaned about how he comes from a council estate in Scotland and how he wants to do this for his mum. Oh, I'm so sick and tired of these insipid sob stories. I want Death or something, not a poor background. Anyway, he sang U2's Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For but he didn't come across as confident.

Nineteen year old Charlie Finn was next and he sang Patience by Take That. Charlie's got a great personality and lots of confidence, but, what exactly is up with his skin? I've never seen such acne! Hopefully, the make-up ladies will be able to sort that out if he gets through. They'd better, I eat my dinner during the show. Twenty four year old Rhydian Roberts believes that he has been put on this planet to perform and show off his "God given talent". Oh, he's awful! I really hope he doesn't get through. Sure, he's confident and sang Somebody To Love by Queen well and didn't hit any dodgy notes, but he's simply obnoxious so I hope he doesn't get through. I couldn't face him week after week and I doubt that viewers would warm to him. Lastly, we had fifteen year old (going on five) cry baby Luke Bayer. Luke's a really good singer and he sang Mandy by Barry Manilow very well, but he has these odd facial expressions and zero sex appeal. Ok, so a fifteen year old isn't supposed to have sex appeal, but you know what I mean. He's got no oomph. He's got tears so, plenty of 'em. My picks: Dominic, Andy and Charlie, but what the heck do I know? I'll blog the results show tonight so you can laugh at my mistakes.


Louis was with the over 25s in Dublin with Kian Egan from Westlife. Aw, they sure got the short straw. Not only do they have the useless Louis (what's the betting that his acts are gonna regale us with endless bland ballads during the live shows?) as their mentor, but all they get for their trouble is a couple of days in Dublin! Now, don't get me wrong, I love Dublin, it's where I was born and spent the early part of my childhood, right in the city centre near Louis' house in fact, but if you had the choice between Dublin and sunny Spain or Hollywood, well, where would you choose?

Niki talked about her weight gain, then all about her Dad dying and how much she missed him. Boy, I can really do without these stupid sob stories. Ok, so you gotta give her props for managing to throw in a death for sympathy, but it really should be all about the singing and the personality, not how hard a life you've had. Niki sang One Moment In Time by Whitney Houston and it was great. Next, Icaro murdered Creep by Radiohead. Kian was at a loss for words but Louis typically chirped up with: "He's different!" I'll say he's bloody different. Let's hope we don't have to suffer him any more after this. Forty six year Zyta puzzles me. I like her but she's abit too Thank The Lord and Praise Jesus for me, she even sang Amazing Grace!

Beverley sang When You Tell Me That You Love Me by Diana Ross after reminding us of her sob story of being given up for adoption by her mother when she was a baby at ten days. She's a good singer, but she forced her voice too much and ended up yelling and screwing up her face. Thirty year old Daniel Days is a carpenter. Now, he's clearly talented, but I really don't want him to get through. He's way too earnest and self righteous with his shaved head and charity shop clothes. He sang Cat Stevens' Father and Son but no, I don't want weeks of heartfelt guitar ballads thanks. Single dad Daniel de Bourg also has a sob story about his kid and how both his parents died. Just sing, man! Luckily, Daniel is a great singer and he's got a pleasing personality and he's hot in that just turned thirty single dad hot kinda way. Danile sang Cannonball By Damien Rice and he's easily my favourite in this category. Right, I want Niki, Daniel de Bourg to get through. I couldn't care less about the other four.


Simon was last to go with the groups in Marbella, helped by Sinitta. Oh, and what was Sinitta wearing? Being in Spain and with Sinitta being Sinitta, she came out wearing a red fan over her titties and another one over her crotch, with another one in her hand and a red wrap. And that was it! Oh, and some high heels. You gotta love Sinitta's crazy dress sense.

First up for the slaughter were annoying brother and sister group Same Difference who sang Nothing’s Going To Stop Us Now by Starship. Sinitta seemed puzzled as to why they were even there and so was I. Good girl, Sinitta. Ghostt regurgitated their old sob story about coming from the ghetto (I didn't realise we even had them in England) and how singing on X Factor is their only chance to get away from the drugs and the guns. They sang Have You Ever by Brandy and, although they're good singers, it was just a bit dull. Futureproof is made up of the hotter guys who were rejected from the first boot camp. They can all sing and they're all nice to look at, but really they're just five guys singing who just happen to be standing next to each other. They're not exactly a group yet. They sang Nobody Knows by Babyface.

W4 sang Wishing On A Star by Rose Royce and they were really good. I liked Simon's comment at the end when he bitched to their faces that they looked like the Stepford Wives. DId you see how quickly their faces dropped? Heh, you gotta hand it to Simon for a nasty comment about appearance. I Sette Cantante are my favourite group by far. They're a bunch of geeky guys that nobody wanted to be friends with at school and I really like their personalities and attitude. They sang California Girls by The Beach Boys. Hope is the other made up group of hot girls who were rejected at the first boot camp and they sang Umbrella by Rhianna. By the way, Umbrella is the new audition song for these shows, expect to hear it a lot in the future. I don't like them yet, but Simon and Sinitta did. They like their ambition and drive.


Sharon took the girls to Hollywood, joined by a Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. You know, if you had any choice in the matter, you'd want Sharon as your mentor as you get flown over to her mansion in Hollywood and get to hang out with a Pussycat Doll for your last audition.

Kimberley S sang I’ll Stand by You by The Pretenders. She's good but, compared to the other girls, she doesn't look as commercial as the other girls. Vicky sang Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper and whispered her way through most of it. She wasn't as confident as the rest of them so I doubt she'll get through. Kim sang Eternal Flame by The Bangles. Good singer, but she's so bland.

Alesha is twenty three so she's the oldest in this category. Alesha sang Chains by TIna Arena and I thought she did really well. I love her voice, attitude and look and I really want her to get through to the finals. Steph W is the youngest at fourteen and even has braces on her teeth. She sang When You’re Gone by Avril lavigne and she was excellent. Emily sang Beautiful by Christina Aguilera. She sang in a deeper register than she usually does and she had this really cool mmmm near the end that was just brilliant. She's my pick for live finals, along with Alesha and Steph. Check back later to see how wrong I got it!