Big Brother 2008 - Send in the Clowns

Ok, so I just can't help myself, sometimes I'm just a glutton for punishment. Big Brother 2008 launched last night and we were introduced a typical cross section of attention seeking nut-jobs running around screaming: "I'm mad me, I'm dead mad! Ooh, I'm so mad! Whooo! Everyone says I'm mad, I'm dead mad!" Well, I'm sure you get the general idea.


We've been treated to sixteen new housemates. Most of them already annoy me, but I rather liked a few of them. Dale won my heart immediately as he's the only fit lad in there. I don't know what's wrong with the BB producers, they know damn well that's it's only women and gay guys who watch this stupid show so let's see some decent male totty! Anyway, Dale is one of those cunting straight men who always manage to steal a silly gay boy's heart. During his introduction, Dale declared: "If there's any fanny in there, I'll nail it. Especially if it's fit". Cue my new favourite quote that I've been repeating all day at work to no one's amusement. Ah, I'm smitten...


The next one I like is Dennis, the token non-threatening camp gay guy. My flatmate bitched and moaned that they always put these camp gays in the house but I've got no issue with this. Dennis was introduced gyrating in his underpants to Kylie Minogue's Wow, just in case you were any doubt as to his sexual orientation. So far, Dennis seems pleasant enough even though he looks alarmingly like Perez Hilton though of course, he's not as fat and repulsively ugly as the alleged blogger. On first impressions, Dennis is my pick to win but I always get these damn things wrong.


Darnell is the albino black guy. I was trying to explain this to my flatmate but he just kept saying: "He's not black, he's white. Look at him!" so I just gave up in the end. Poor Darnell seemed to have a hard time introducing himself to his new housemates and the conversation went something like this:

Darnell: "Hi, I'm Darnell"

Dumbass housemate: "Daniel?"

Darnell: "Darnell"

Dumbass housemate: "Darniel?"

Darnell: "Darnell"

Dumbass housemate: "Donald?"

Darnell: "Darnell"

Dumbass housemate: "Danny?"

Darnell: "Darnell"

Christ on a stick, it went on forever! I sympathised with Darnell as I've had similar introductions throughout my life. You wouldn't think that Garrett is a difficult name, but in England they seem to have a lot of problems understanding my two syllable simple name. This is a typical conversation opener for me:

Me: "Hi, I'm Garrett"

Dumbass: "Gary?"

Me: "Garrett"

Dumbass: "Gareth?"

Me: "No. I'm Garrett. It's Irish"

Dumbass: "Darren?"

Me: "Garrett"

Dumbass: "Garage?"

Me: "Oh, fuck off!"

As you can see, I find it hard to meet new people, espcially idiots who don't listen. Shit, I wouldn't last a day in the Big Brother house with that bunch of numpties, they'd be rushing to eliminate me on the first day!

My one millionth visitor, huzzah!

At some time over the weekend, I had my millionth visitor to the blog. I don't know who it was or where they were from as my stat counter doesn't let me narrow it down (unless I'm being really stupid and can't see where that information is!) but I do know that it probably happened on Sunday. I'd like to take this moment to say a great big Thank You to all the readers of this blog, whether you're regulars or just pop in from time to time looking for naked pictures of Alex Pettyfer or Mitch Hewer. I love reading all your comments - even the critical ones correcting my spelling or facts!

Amy doesn't look too impressed at the news, but I'm absolutely chuffed. When you start to write a blog you wonder if anyone will ever read it. The idea of getting a few hundred readers seemed amazing and when it rises to the thousands it's almost a bit intimidating. Sure, people like Perez Hilton get two million hits a day which is great for him, but that's not blogging, that's business. Besides, you don't think he actually writes it himself these days do you?

The top ten most hated people on the internet

According to Radar the internet "gives us a cloak of anonymity, allowing every man, woman, and child to expel anonymous bile on strangers—be they the real-life TV celebrities we can't stand, or infamous figures brought to the nation's attention via YouTube". Here their list:

1. LORI DREW
2. JOHN FITZGERALD PAGE
3. JULIA ALLISON
4. DAVID MOTARI, BEST KNOWN FOR THE POPULAR YOUTUBE CLIP "AMERICAN SOLDIER THROWS PUPPY OFF CLIFF"
5. MEDIABISTRO FOUNDER LAUREL TOUBY
6. THE ENTIRE CAST OF NBC'S QUARTERLIFE
7. DAILY KOS, AKA MARKOS MOULITSAS
8. DAVID CROSS
9. TONY KORNHEISER
10. RACHAEL RAY

First of all, I've only heard of one of these people, David Cross, and even with him I didn't know his name but I recognised him from his photograph because he was in that fun telly show Arrested Development. Apparently, his fans turned on him after he took a big pay cheque for doing a voice over for the Alvin and the Chipmunks film. I have no idea quite why people found his acceptance of a job so offensive, but Cross wrote about his reasons in a blog post which ends with this pithy comment: the NY Times called me "delightfully scene stealing" so suck it!

As for the rest of 'em - I have no idea who they are so I thought I'd do my own top ten list of hated celebrities and internet cyberlebrities:

1. ANN COULTER - do I really need to go into detail why it's so easy to hate Bitch Features?
2. KERRY KATONA - chavvy women up and down the country love this woman. Fuck knows why.
3. TOM CRUISE - oh, this is just getting way too easy!
4. PEREZ HILTON - this fat fug gives bloggers everywhere a bad name. I mean, it's not as if he even writes the damn thing himself anymore.
5. THE ENTIRE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY - the French had the right idea.
6. MEL GIBSON - philandering Catholic father of seven, homophobe, anti-semite and general drunk. Nice guy!
7. LILY ALLEN - I can't stand her or her ugly brother Alfie and don't get me started on her awful father. He's ruined every damn telly show/film he's ever appeared in.
8. SHARON STONE - enough with wearing the fur!
9. COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN - and people bitch about Paris Hilton for being famous for no reason...
10. JUDE LAW - so desperate for a jump that he had to knob his kids' fugly fat nanny!

Meow, that was all rather bitchy of me wasn't it? I didn't know I had so much bitterness and bile inside me. Waiter, a saucer of milk please!