American Idol - the first cut from the final twelve!

The show kicked off with another of those hideous group medleys that I love to watch as everyone is so clearly hating every second and barely rehearsed. It was a Beatles/Lennon/McCartney medley so of course I thought it was awful and, as if that wasn't bad enough, Ryan announced that since "Idol" had received so many calls and emails this week, it had been decided to do a second week of Lennon/McCartney songs. Oh, sweet lord Jesus on a stick! I just want the embarrassment of Country week or Latin week and bored celebrity mentors.

After much winding up and torturing of the Idol kids, Ryan finally got around to announcing the bottom three this week. All our favourites were safe: Brooke, sweaty Michael, little gay David and Amanda. They did something odd though as each of the bottom three, Syesha Mercado, David Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook had to sing their songs again. Yeah, that's right, the first time wasn't bad enough, we had to suffer through it all again. At least Kristy Lee Cook had the manners to apologise for making us sit through her car wreck hillbilly number a second time: "'Sorry you gotta hear it again!''.

It did seem pointless though as it's not as if the second performance made any difference to the voting, it must've been just to pad out the show in the absence of having a mentor this week who's only there to plug their new album. Oh, and by the way, what the hell was all that nonsense with Jim Carrey? He was in a goddamn rabbit suit and on to plug some stupid film that's coming out I think, but he was just annoying. Oh, speaking of annyoing, did you spot Sanjaya and his trampy sister in the audience?

Anyway, Ryan let Syesha off the hook first and let her go sit down with the Idol kids were good this week, so it was down to David Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook and the one to go was David! Yes, our favourite ex stripper for the gays got canned. Wait a second, someone got less votes than the soulless bored-looking hootenanny Kristy? We have to suffer yet another performance from her next week?

American Idol - the top twelve guys

Yes, I have been watching American Idol. I haven't blogged during the auditions because that's not my favourite part of the show. Sure, it's fun at first to laugh at all the no-hopers during the early rounds, but I just find it repetitive. How many awful and deluded bad singers can you listen to before it just isn't funny any more? Anyway, now the live shows have started I'm going to report back more often. We get the shows a couple of days later here in the UK and it's murder trying to avoid spoilers on the internet but at least the shows are now spread out over two days instead of the bleary-eyed five hour marathons into the night that we used to get previously.

Well, first up this week we had the final twelve guys who had to suffer through a Sixties theme. I don't mind these themes when they're related to a celebrity mentor as I think they can be fun and I always enjoy watching the black divas struggle during Country week and the Country singers struggle with Disco and so on, but I wasn't too hot on having a theme so early in the competition. I think it's better to just let them choose whatever song they like so we get an idea of their personality and musical preference. Plus, for a decade that was so exciting, these guys sure chose some forgettable songs.


Anyway, first of all I'll mention my early favourites. Danny Noriega sang Elvis's Jailhouse Rock and although he was awful, I like his campy diva personality and general nancy boy demeanour. I mean, no one ever mentions the G word, but it's kinda obvious isn't it? By the way, don't you think that he looks like a young gay Jane Fonda in Klute? He's a dead ringer for Bree Daniels, shag hair included! Despite murdering his song, he didn't take any shit from Simon when he criticised him and answered him back with sass and attitude. It was just like an episode of Ricki Lake but without all the fighting.

The next one I liked, though I'm sure you'll hate me for this, was Colton Berry. He said that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres (which is probably enough of a reason to keep him in) but I was thinking that he looked more like Madonna circa Papa Don't Preach with gap-toothed underbite included. Colton also sang an Elvis song Suspicious Minds but he predictably murdered it too. What's with these twinky gay guys and Elvis?


I also like the laid back cool dude Jason Castro. Ok, so dreadlocks on a white guy are heinous, but if you can manage to avoid looking at the nasty hair, he's got a good personality, he was clever enough to pick a good song, Lovin' Spoonful's What a Day for a Daydream and he was the only one to play an instrument. Jason's got a quiet confidence which is very appealing and the whole thing came across as effortless, but in a good way.


The fourth and last guy that I liked this week was Michael Johns. Oh, how predictable that I'd go for the hot Australian one! Ok, I admit that hiss sexual charisma got to me, but he's also a very good singer and easily one of the strongest guys in the competition this year. He sang The Doors' Light My Fire.


As for the rest, well they were utterly forgettable weren't they? Simon kept pointing out after each song that the guys just weren't making themselves stand out and he's right. Some of the guys were saying that they've been watching the show for years, but they clearly haven't understood anything about how to set yourself apart from the group. Let me remind them of one important lesson: never sing a soft ballad in the first few weeks. Each year they make the same mistake and they get canned. It's the ones who let rip and get themselves across to the audience that get votes.

Among the guys that I wanted to slap this week were Jason Yeager singing a turgid Moon River, Garrett Haley's pale faced version of Neil Sedaka's Breaking Up Is Hard to Do and Luke Menard's dull redition of Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin'. All three guys are handsome enough to get a strong fan base and these are normally great songs, but they just stood there and sang these incredibly boring versions. All three of them forgettable, though Garrett did get a funny response from Simon when he said that he looked like he'd been locked in his bedroom for a month and needed to get some fresh air. By the way, I thought it was funny that Ryan Seacrest said that Garrett looked like Leif Garrett. That's who I always got told I looked like when I was younger and I spent my school years being nicknamed "Leif", among other choice insults.

Right, who's left? Oh yeah, there was Chikezie Eze who sang off pitch throughout his entire godawful song More Today Than Yesterday. His mom sure seemed to like it but no one else seemed to. It just went on forever and I kept praying that he'd get back on key. At least he had the good sense to wear this crazy bright orange suit so we wouldn't be able to easily forget him. David Cook sang Happy Together but I've got a problem with David - he just looks so uncomfortable and uneasy and I don't know what his hair thinks it's doing but it's not helping.

I can't even remember the others. I don't know what they sang or what their names are. Oh, except cute little Danny "You can only vote for him, you can't actually adopt him" Archuleta. Who cares what he sings? He's cute as a button, he's got a great big winning smile, he can sing on key so we love him already. All in all, not a great show but not a bad one either. Well, at least there was no one as bad as Sundance Head. Remember him last year at this stage? He was the one who sang the worst version of House of the Rising Sun you've ever heard in your life. I still have nightmares thinking about it. I guess he managed to be memorable though, you have to give him that!

American Idol results show – all two bloody hours of it!

We’re finally here, the results show! But don’t expect to get the result straight away. Oh no, we’re going to have to sit throught two hours of entertainment before we get there. Oh, brother. They really could knock this out in fifteen minutes max, including commercials.
Randy Jackson wore yet another perfectly horrible jacket, Simon Cowell wore the same clothes as last night and Paula Abdul actually looked pretty. In fact, I’d almost say she was beautiful. You’ve gotta give props to whoever bashed her face into shape, she looked great.

After an awful fun opening song with Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks singing The Beatles’ I Saw Her Standing There, we then had an old clip of Gwen Stefani from Idol Gives Back, plugging her new single. Poor Gwen looked as frozen and botoxed as ever. Hell, she makes Nicole Kidman look animated.

The old Idol winners always get wheeled out in these shows and first up was Kelly Clarkson. At least, I think it was Kelly Clarkson, it could’ve been Kelly Osbourne. Oh dear, Kelly has really put on weight hasn’t she? And what do you do when you’ve put on some weight? That’s right, you pick some hideous outfit that will just emphasise your huge thighs, just like Kelly did. A tight, unforgiving mini-dress with thigh boots was not a good idea. Oops. I love Kelly though, especially when she’s being badass and sassy as she was tonight. She needs to get herself a stylist and personal trainer though, and fast!

The other Idol winners to appear were Carrie Underwood, who always looks like a class act. Reuben Stobbard came on and looked like he was pleased just to be back on TV again. It’s been a while! Last year’s winner, Taylor Hicks also came on and sang a bit, but he was just awful. How the heck did he win last year? If he came on thinking an appearance would help sell some records, I think he miscalculated. Taylor just shuffled about and looked out of place. He even played his harmonica. Did he think he was at a clam bake? The only amusing thing about Taylor was how much he annoyed Simon last year. The joke’s worn off now. Way off.

Ryan Seacrest did some annoying business, giving out Golden Idol awards to some of the more annoying audition losers. The first award was the Best Presentation. The nominees were X-Centric (the pussycat man), Isadora Thurman (the orgasm girl) and Margaret Fowler (who I call the chicken lady as she’s always dressed in bright yellow like a giant chick). The winner was Margaret Fowler and she went on stage to collect her award and jumped on Ryan Seacrest and snogged him. Ryan looked very shaken, after all, he’s not really used to close contact with women. The second Golden Idol award for Most Original Vocal was given to Sholandric Stallworth and the third for Best Buddies was won by Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs. Briggs is the guy who Simon said looked like a bush baby. Bush baby boy said that he’s forgiven Simon now though. After all, he’s gotten a few minutes of fame out of the encounter and he looked very pleased about it.

The top six guys and girls also performed together. The guys came on first and, dressed all in white, sang a Smokey Robinson medley. Blake Lewis, Chris Richardson, Chris Sligh, Phil Stacey, Sanjaya Malakar and Brandon Rogers sang first, then Smokey came on and joined them, but didn’t he look odd? I dunno whether he’s had cosmetic surgery or a medical problem, but there’s definitely something strange going on. He looked as if he never closes his eyes and could barely blink. The top six girls, Melinda Doolittle, LaKisha Jones, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Gina Glockson and Haley Scarnato sang a medley with Gladys Knight. The best bit was when Melinda and LaKisha joined Gladys Knight to sing Midnight Train to Georgia. Now, that’s how you handle a song, ladies.

Two of the eliminated finalists were given a chance to sing a song too. Sanjaya Malakar sang his infamous rendition of The Kinks’ You Really Got Me, recreated with wind machine, crazy hair and even the dumpy stupid crying girl in the audience. Sanjaya was a breath of fresh air among all the rather earnest goings on. Then Melinda Doolittle came on with the Wayans and sang some bullshit Up With Jesus religious song. I know that Melinda is a church girl, but this was really unnecessary and inappropriate. For the first time in weeks, Melinda looked like a backing singer again.

The two finalists sang duets. Blake Lewis sang with Dougie Fresh and they beatboxed their way through some crazy song and jumped about waving their arms. That Blake is such a wigger sometimes. Jordin drew the short straw and had to sing a dreadful duet with Reuben. It was old fashioned and tiresome. And someone should’ve told Reuben that big men shouldn’t wear stripes. It was a bit awkward at the end when Jordin and Reuben attempted to hug. They’ve both got some large belly action going on and they barely managed to meet in the middle.

As if all that wasn’t enough, we had Green Day sing John Lennon’s Working Class Hero, Tony Bennett wheeled back on to sing some old number which I instantly forgot, then Bette Midler sang a totally out of tune Wind Beneath My Wings. Maybe she had a cold or something, but the divine Bette should’ve cancelled or lip-synched as this was truly awful. The previous Idol winners sang a Beatles’ medley (with Taylor Hicks’ atrocious murdering of A Day In The Life being a deliciously awful highlight) and then they were joined by this year’s twelve finalists to sing With A Little Help From My Friends although it was more with a little help from the teleprompter as they obviously didn’t know the words and you could see a huge teleprompter with the lyrics. I mean, how could anyone not know he words to this Beatles’ song?

So anyway, after all that we finally got to the result. Blake and Jordin came on and were joined by Ryan and some guy with a sealed envelope with the winner’s name as I guess Ryan couldn’t be trusted this week to keep his mouth shut. With 74 million votes (and let’s see how many of you in the US bother voting in the upcoming election) Ryan announced that Jordin was this year’s American Idol. Jordin cried, Paula cried, Jordin’s family cried. It all got a bit too group-hug for me. Aw, spare a moment for poor Blake, though he didn’t look too bothered, he was possibly pleased that he didn’t have to sing that hideous winning song again!

Well, that’s it. Another season of American Idol is done and dusted. But look on the bright side, we get to do it all again, starting in January. Can’t wait! Let’s make it a date.

The Idol Gives Back - Songs That Inspire, and get votes!

The theme for this week's American Idol was Songs That Inspire! Exactly the songs I usually hate, you know the Up With People, Love Thy Neighbour bullcrap. Oh, you know the kind of thing. Anyway, we had a whole hour of the stuff.

Chris Richardson was first up and sang Change the World by Eric Clapton. He started off very pitchy and have you noticed his annoying habit of turning his head and looking away between each line he sings? I just want to screw on a neck brace so he keeps his head still for at least the minute and a half he has to sing. But I'm just being mean again, his vocal got back on pitch and it was a good song choice which really suited him.


Melinda Doolittle sang There Will Come A Day by Faith Hill. Of course, she simply nailed it. What I love about Melinda is how effortless she makes it all seem. Even when she's really hitting those strong notes, she never sounds shrill or resorts to shouting her song. Pure class. And thank the Sweet Lord Jesus that she's kept that new wig from last week, our Strong Black Woman's finally lookin' good! Paula agreed and slurred: "you're magical, you look beautiful."


Blake Lewis next. Blake!! He chose John Lennon's Imagine which was a tough one to sing as it's such a well known song and there's really not much you can do with it except sing it straight. Blakelicious can do no wrong in my eyes so I predictably loved this. Blake looked into the camera throughout with his come hither eyes and no doubt I'll be committing an act of self abuse later.

LaKisha Jones sang Fantasia's I Believe which went down like a lead balloon with the judges though the audience seemed to like it. LaKisha looked great and I thought she sang well, even though she seemed to think that the word realise is actually two words as she kept singing rea.... lise throughout. LaKisha needs to find her inner Strong Black Woman again, she's been missing her sparkle these past few weeks.

Phil Stacey was up next and when asked about what he missed about home, he didn't hesitate to mention his babies back in Oklahoma and said how he wanted to do well and make a better life for them. Phil sang Garth Brook's Change and, of course, then mentioned that the song was dedicated to Oklahoma after the Oklahoma bombing. This guy will try every trick in the book to tug at heartstrings and grab votes. I remain unmoved by him.


Jordin Sparks was last up to sing. She chose You'll Never Walk Alone which can never be taken seriously by anyone in the UK as it's been the theme song for Liverpool FC for many years. The judges loved it and so did the audience. I thought she yelled it, just as she yells her songs every week. I know, I know. She'll probably win the whole shebang and everyone loves her, but I just don't get her. Her perky cheerleader personality just grates on me. I'd like her more if she stopped smiling for once and was a mean and moody badass!

So, who's up for the chop. Well, I'd love for Phil to leave. C'mon folks, it's about time!

Sanjaya says he's not gay, he just gets along with girls better

American Idol reject Sanjaya Malakar has told People magazine that he's not gay, not that he was asked. So it must be true. Our favourite sexually ambivalent Idol kid tells how he

"..got teased in school because people figured I must be gay because I understand women," the phenomenally popular American Idol castoff says. "I think that's why guys didn't like me – because I got along with girls so well. When I went up to girls they would give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek like I was their gay friend. But I was the straight guy that understood them."

I dunno, Sanjaya's only seventeen and kinda immature. I remember what I was like at that age. I didn't have a clue! Sanjaya seems more asexual than anything to me. He may make teenage girls scream and cry when he performs, but so does the very lovely Pop Idol winner Will Young so I wouldn't read too much into that. Teen girls are so horny they moisten up just looking at a shower nozzle.

Sanjaya tells David Letterman the 10 things he learned from American Idol

American Idol reject Sanjaya Malakar tells David Letterman the 10 things he learned from American Idol:

10. The camera adds ten pounds to your mohawk

9. Work hard and make sacrifices, you can finish in 7th place

8. It's very important to "keep it real, dawg."

7. I should have gone for the Immunity Idol -- oh wait, that's "Survivor"

6. On-camera Simon is a bit nasty, but off-camera, he's a total jerk

5. Voting for yourself 100 times an hour causes some wicked carpal tunnel

4. When you forget the words, just do this (Sanjaya belts out, "OHHHHHHH")

3. Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

2. Nothing

1. America loves performers with bad hair -- right, Dave?

Top Ten little known facts about American Idol evictee Sanjaya Malakar

David Letterman invited reader of his website to offer their Top Ten little known facts about American Idol evictee Sanjaya Malakar. Here is the less than stellar top ten, in reverse order:

10. Hides meatballs in his hair for late-night snacking
9. Illegitimate child of Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson
8. Recently fired by Alberto Gonzales
7. Once sang to a man just to watch him die
6. His real name is Fred Smith
5. Actually named after the 11th herb and spice in the Colonel's secret recipe
4. He's 70 percent "San" and 30 percent "Jaya"
3. Parents named him based on letters they drew in a game of Scrabble
2. Despite numerous attempts, Angelina and Brad have not been able to adopt him
1. Only contestant who hasn't slept with Paula Abdul

Tsk, all the ripe material that super crazy Sanjaya offers and that's the best they came up with? I'm sure you could've done much better. Please feel free to leave your own factettes below and I'll email Dave with an improved selection.

Sanjaya goes to Washington!

Just when you thought you'd heard the last of Sanjaya Malakar, the Washington Post reports that Sanjaya is going to Washington to have dinner today with the President. Sanjaya is going to be a guest be a guest at a White House correspondents' dinner by invitation of People magazine. President Bush is expected to attend. Anyone reckon they'll ask him to get up and perform a number?


Life is beautiful, Sanjaya.

American Idol - Sanjaya leaves the building

It's the results show from Country Week. You know, they're really stretching out these results shows now and I preferred 'em when they were just half an hour, there's so much padding and Ryan Seacrest that I can tolerate. Anyways, Ryan finally gets down to the important stuff and commences to tell the American Idol kids who is in the bottom three. But no, Ryan has to mess with their heads a bit first and does this bit where he says he's going to separate the contestants into two groups: the bottom three and the top four.

So, Ryan separates them evenly with Sanjaya, LaKisha and Blake in one group, then Jordin, Phil and Chris in another group. Then, Ryan calls Melinda up, tells her that she's safe and then tells Melinda to look at each group and decide which is the top group and to join them! That Ryan Seacrest is one mean bitch. Poor Melinda didn't know what to do and eventually just sat down in the middle. You'll recall that, given the same option last year, Taylor Hicks didn't hesitate. Not by a beat.

So, our bottom three this week: Sanjaya, LaKisha and Blake. Ryan puts Blakelicious out of his misery first and tells him he's safe so it's down to LaKisha and Sanjaya. Well, at this point, was there really any doubt? LaKisha is simply too talented to be kicked of the show this early.


Sanjaya's out! Of the show, that is. It's so sad, poor Sanjaya cries throughout the montage of his journey though he manages to pull it together for his final song. By the way, did you guys notice the green hanky in Sanjaya's back jean pocket? According to the gay hanky code, that means he's an orphan son looking for a daddy!

So we're down to the final six. Look at the picture below, who's the odd one out?

American Idol - it's Country week!

It's Country week with mentor Martina McBride. Country week is always one of my favourites as it tends to bring out the best and the worst in the American Idol kids.

First up was Phil Stacey, dressed in nosferatu black, which really isn't his colour. He sang Where the Blacktop Ends by Keith Urban and sounded ok for once and, what do you know, all of a sudden, after weeks of eye boggling and yelling, he comes out as an ol' country boy!

Jordin Sparks sang McBride's own song, Broken Wing. I have to confess that I don't like Jordin at all, her bubbly personality is getting on my nerves. She may turn me around, but I'm not a fan, although I have liked her song choices over the weeks.


Sanjaya Malakar was let out next and Sanjaya chose the Bonnie Raitt song, Something to Talk About, because he said he thought it would be fun to do since he seems to always give people something to talk about. I bet Bonnie was thrilled. Sanjaya wore a red bandana over his perm and shimmy'd through the audience. Although I'm feeling the Sanjaya Love, I have to admit that now we're down to the last seven, Sanjaya does look exposed as easily the weakest singer on that stage. Oops.

LaKisha Jones sang a Carrie Underwood song, Jesus Take the Wheel. Now, I'm a LaKisha fan, but any song with Jesus in the title is gonna make me reappraise 'em. Poor LaKisha was all over the place with the song and almost seemed drowned out by the band and started doing a Jordin and yelling the song. She would've been wiser to have a quieter, simpler arrangement.

Chris Richardson sang Rascal Flatts' Mayberry. Chris was pitchy throughout, which was a real shame as I liked the song. The judges criticised him for being nasally and Chris had the comeback that nasal singing is a technique!


Melinda Doolittle chose Julie Reeves' Trouble is a Woman and gave easily the best performance this week. Our Strong Black Women were always going to struggle out of their comfort zone with country music, but Melinda was terrific. And didn't she look great too? That new longer, sleek wig really worked for her and the outfit was much better too. She looked different, more confident.

Last up was Blake Lewis. Blakelicious chose Tim McGraw's When the Stars Go Blue and did a good job. You know that Blake can do no wrong in my eyes and he's my top guy in the competition. Oh, and I loved his nice bit of knitwear.


Well, who's gonna go? I have to say, I'd love for Phil Stacey to get the boot, but I think it's probably going to be Sanjaya. This week really exposed him.

Maxim magazine online selects American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar as its Girl of the Day

Maxim magazine online selects American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar as its Girl of the Day, following in the illustrious footsteps this week of Amber Lancaster, Jolene Blalock, Elizabeth Cooper and Maxine Bahns.

"You've no one but the Devil's lawyer to blame for this androgynous American Idol stowaway, who, despite being detested by the judges, somehow remains in the hunt for the show's coveted prize as this year's top 40 footnote. We stopped watching after the auditions (the only digestible part of the show), but it's our understanding that we have Sanjina to thank for the "ponyhawk," a hair-novation destined to tickle your underarm as you noogie hordes of copycat hipsters."

First the girls, now it's the turn of sexually confused boys to give attention to our Sanjaya. Guys, he's a dude. I know you've used that androgynous excuse before, but last time I checked, Sanjaya was all male.

Hillary Clinton gets on the Sanjaya bandwagon

The Boston Herald reports that Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton spent Friday answering New Hampshire's voters' questions including one about would-be American Idol, Sanjaya Malakar.

"During a radio call-in on WOKQ-FM, Senator Hillary Clinton was asked what the United States can do about Malakar, the television show’s underdog candidate who critics say lacks any shred of talent.

"That’s the best question I’ve been asked in a long time," Clinton said. "Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That’s true in my election, and it’s true on American Idol."

While it's tempting to say "no shit, Hillary", she does right in pointing out the obvious. Sanjaya has polarised opinion and attracted hateful and racist comments. Commentators forget that it's not Sanjaya's fault that he's still in the competition, he's just trying his luck, just as it's not George Dubya's fault that he's the President. You voted for him, it's all your fault!

Unlike Sanjaya, Hillary Clinton is at the top of the polls and fundraising. In an April 3rd New Hampshire poll sponsored by CNN and WMUR-TV, 27% favored Clinton, followed by John Edwards with 21% and Barack Obama at 20%.

Remember how last year's American Idol attracted more votes in its final than have ever voted for a President? Get voting folks!

American Idol Latin week with Jennifer Lopez

"Two words for you: Jennifer. Lopez." How dumb is that Ryan Seacrest? It's Latin week with our favourite Latina, Jennifer Lopez! J-Lo didn't disappoint and wore a horrible sparkly turtle neck and about a million silver bangles while snapping out advice to the American Idol kids.


Melinda Doolittle chose Swing which was kind of a dull choice. Lopez told Melinda to "be sexy!" Melinda said, "I'm so not sexy". Oh boy, you said it, Melinda. She wore this asymmetrical dress and what looked like one of Oprah's old wigs. At least the stylist managed to dress her without a belt for once! Simon didn't like it and said it was a bit hotel lounge. He's right, sometimes Melinda just comes across as old and she really should try some more age appropriate material. LaKisha Jones was next which was an odd decision by the producers as normally they separate their Strong Black Women. She chose a Gloria Estefan number, Conga, looked great and sang well but LaKisha tried to move about too much and all I could focus on was her bingo wings.


Chris Richardson sang Smooth which was an excellent choice for him. It was a good all over performance rather than just a good vocal. You can see this guy actually having a career after all this is over. Unlike the next contestant, Haley Scarnato, who chose Turn the Beat Around which was a pretty tenuous choice and wore short, short hotpants so who really cares what she sang anyway?. It was awful and couldn't even be enjoyed as campy fun. Just desperate. Simon congratulated her for the clever tactic of wearing as little as possible to attract votes. Just to add to my torture, Phil Stacey followed Haley and sang Maria, Maria. In the rehearsal, he somehow managed to give J-Lo chills. I guess she must be easily pleased. Phil sure didn't give me chills. Next!

Jordin Sparks chose another Gloria Estefan song, Rhythmn is Gonna Get You. I thought she oversang it again, trying to push out notes that weren't really there in the song. The thing with Gloria Estefan songs is that they're kinda easy on the voice, you know she writes 'em that way for a reason. Randy and Paula liked it, but Simon brought her down to earth by saying he wasn't impressed. He's been in a bad mood all evening, he must be on the rag. Blake Lewis was next. Blakelicious chose I Need To Know and sang it really well. All the judges loved it. Oh, I love my Blake.


Sanjaya Malakar chose Besame Mucho and J-Lo was impressed. Sanjaya had a cute bit of bum-fluff on his upper lip and chin and lesbian hair. I loved that he had the balls to sing a song mainly in Spanish. There were lots of tight close ups and Sanjaya made the most of 'em, making effortless Sweet Sanjaya Love to the camera, provoking multiple pubescent orgasms across the country. Even Simon was moved to say that it wasn't horrible, which from him, you can probably take as a compliment.


So, who's gonna go? As usual, I'm gonna say Haley. It's about time people!

American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar and KFC

Did you hear about Kentucky Fried Chicken's oh so generous offer to our favourite super crazy American Idol contestant, the incomparable Sanjaya Malakar? Here is the offer below:

"If you sport a bowlcut hairdo in a nationally televised performance, KFC will grant you a free lifetime supply of KFC Famous Bowls and a charitable donation in your name -- plus $5,000 in cash and your own starring role in our next KFC Famous Bowls advertisement. Now, that's an offer almost as juicy as our KFC world famous chicken [...]
Your Fan,
[signed] Gregg Dedrick
President of KFC"

Um, I don't know about you, but KFC would have to pay me $5,000 in cash to eat their Famous Bowls. I mean, you do know what goes into their chicken don't you? Better have some Pepto handy!

The New York Post claim that American Idol voters are still smarting about Gore losing to Bush in 2000

There's yet another hilariously po-faced article about American Idol in the New York Times. The main aim of the article is try and explain the remaining presence of this year's break out star, Sanjaya Malakar and why he's attracting votes. They come to the conclusion that "the high viewer turnout for “Idol,” which is on tonight, cannot solely be explained by technological advances or a regression in human nature. It cannot be a coincidence that television voting rights arose so soon after the 2000 election left slightly more than half the voting population feeling cheated. Those who didn’t go to the polls and fear that their abstention inadvertently made possible the invasion of Iraq may feel even worse. “Idol” could be a displacement ritual: a psychological release that allows people to vote — and even vote often — in a contest that has no dangerous or even lasting consequence."

Don't you just love it when people try to get all intellectual about reality TV? I don't think Sanjaya's ever-changing hairstyles really have much meaning, nor do Paula Abdul's appraisals, "erm, well at least you look really pretty tonight!". It's just fun TV, it takes over our lives for 5 months and then we forget all about them, which is just how it should be.

American Idol – the final 9 suffer through Big Band week with Tony Bennett

“This….. is…. Amerrrrrrican Idol!”

This week’s mentor for the Big Band theme was Tony Bennett. Bennett came over to the UK last year to contribute to the X Factor and I have to say that it wasn’t my favourite show. I’ve never particularly liked that genre of music and some of the songs choices had a dubious connection to the theme of the Big Band era. So let’s hope the American Idol kids make some savvy choices.

Blake Lewis was up first with a song I actually do love, Mack the Knife. Blakelicious looked cool and sang well, with no beat boxing or anything. Let’s face it, it’d be hard to rap during Mack the Knife! You know that I love my Blake so whatever he does is jus’ fine with me. Bald, googly-eyed Phil Stacey came on and oversang Night and Day. He really does try to hard and I think that particular song benefits from being sung softly. Paula thought he was reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra, which astonished Simon who said the performance was gloomy and dark. And wasn’t Phil really sweaty after the judges bit, talking to Ryan? His whole head was just dripping. Eurgh, I can’t stand him.

Melinda Doolittle made a good choice with I Got Rhythm and, of course, she was just great again. You know she’s never going to hit a pitchy note or forget her words. Good hair this week, nice and sleek and not plastered down on her head, however, there was yet another weird belt thing going on. What was that, a sleeveless bolero jacket with a front clasp? Whatever, Doolittle needs to fire her stylist friend’s ass and pronto! Sweet Lord Jesus, we know Melinda was blessed with an amazing voice but unfortunately she also has a huge head and lack of waist, but a good stylist would deal with all that and make the most of her good features. I know, it’s not a fashion show but still, we have to look at them as well as listen, and Melinda’s doing herself no favours with the horrible outfits she wears each week. Don’t you guys have Trinny and Susannah over there in the US? They’d sort her out and cop a good feel of her boobies while they’re at it, too!

Chris Richardson selected a Duke Ellington song but I didn’t really care for it. I prefer him doing contemporary songs or camp disco. All the judges loved it though thought it was his best performance yet. Shows what little I know! Moving on, Jordin Sparks chose one of my favourite songs ever, On A Clear Day. She’s not my favourite singer but she makes excellent song choices and I really liked this performance. In fact, I loved it. Oh why can’t they do a Barbra Streisand week? That’d be American Idol heaven. Paula called Jordin a magnet of joy and Simon killed himself laughing at her typically loopy comment. I hear they’re good friends really.

Gina Glockson sang Smile and, in the introduction, Tony Bennett mentioned 9/11 and Iraq so who’d dare to criticise her performance after that? It was a very good performance though so she didn’t need any patriotic help. Simon had a good dig though. You can always count on Simon, he had his sentimentality removed at birth.

It’s time… for Sanjaya Malakar! Bennett is cleary a Fanjaya and he said that Sanjaya is terrific and sings very well. He also said that Sanjaya dares to be different. Well, Sanjaya is certainly different! He sang Heaven and I guess about 8 million pubescent girls got stuck to their seats during this particular bit of the show. I’d give the shower nozzle a good rinse in the morning, Moms. He also managed a quick dance with Paula. The judges have given up even bothering to criticise him any more, they realise that it’s pointless.

Haley Scarnato wore a trampy green halter neck dress with no bra. Who cares what she sang? The girls loves to jiggle and advertise the merchandise. By the way, she sang Ain’t Misbehavin’ and totally disregarded Bennett’s advice to sing to just one person. I love it when the contestants ignore what the mentors advise, these unknowns clearly think that they know better. Ahem.

LaKisha Jones closed the show and you could tell it was going to be great as the producers usually choose the best act to go last. Stormy Weather was the perfect choice for LaKisha and it brought out her inner Strong Black Woman, which is what we love about her. LaKisha also ignored Bennett’s advice on how to end the song, but she just about got away with it.

Who’s going to leave? I reckon Haley Scarnato is a dead cert, she’s just way out of her league here.

Sanjaya Malakar is getting everywhere. Zach Braff says "vote Sanjaya!"

American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar is getting everywhere. Zach Braff introduces a clip from his new movie The Ex and begins it by extolling us to "vote for Sanjaya". You can view the clip on Apple's Quicktime website. I've said before that Sanjaya Malakar is the best American Idol contestant ever with his effortless super crazy antics and hair and I love that more fans are becoming a Fanjaya and sharing in Sanjaya's Love.

This week, Sanjaya was one of the top searches on Yahoo and his popularity is increasing week by week. I'm sure you'll agree that he won't think he'll win American Idol, that would be too dreamy, but I do think that the job offers will flood in for this kid and he'll be sticking around to share his Love forever.

America Idol – which chunk of dead weight has been cut this week?

First of all, Ryan Seacrest comes on wearing a fawhawk wig of Sanjaya’s super crazy hair from the previous show. Who does Ryan think he is? Someone must’ve told him once upon a time that he’s funny but I just don’t get him at all. Even Ryan seemed a little embarrassed this time at his failed attempt at comedy. At least Sanjaya thought it was funny.

Gwen Stefani came on and plugged her tour like crazy. And you thought she was mentoring this week out of the goodness of her heart? The girl’s got a product to hawk!

Anyway, the bottom three this week were, predictably, Chris Sligh, Haley Scarnato and Phil Stacey. I think that all three will be at risk over the next couple of weeks and will probably go. They’re just not cutting it with their singing and, especially, their personalities.


Chris Sligh received the least votes and I wasn’t surprised. He looked so fed up during his performance and he had no spark left. He does seem a bit sour though. In the UK transmission, we have some extra “bits” with our host, Cat Deeley. She interviewed Chris afterwards and he was very critical of the judges. He came across as a bit of a sore loser and said that they have no idea about contemporary music and complained that they didn’t “get him”. Cat snarkily pointed out that the judges are very successful and still in the show whilst he was voted off, but Chris seemed oblivious to the jibe, or maybe it just went way over his curls.

Um, I can’t remember the theme for next week. Remind me please.

American Idol with Gwen Stefani dishing out the advice to the top 10. Reckon any of ‘em will bother to listen?

Gwen Stefani was the mentor this week. The final 10 contestants could choose between Gwen or No Doubt’s song, or songs that have inspired Gwen Stefani which left things pretty open. Did you notice how frozen Gwen’s face is now? I swear the only movement is from her impressively false eyelashes and mouth. I bet she says her youthful looks come from eating nothing but brown rice and vegetables.

Anyway, LaKisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle went down the diva route and both chose Donna Summer songs. They were both great, of course and went down well with the audience and judges. Simon in particular said he liked the more age appropriate sound of the dance music. What was up with Melinda’s odd outfit? She has great legs but no waist and this gets emphasised each week by giving her a lame ass great big belt. I wish she’d put on a nice tailored jacket instead. She really needs to fire her friend, the stylist, from Team Melinda.

Didn’t you just love the disco songs? I wish we’d get more disco on American Idol. It’d sure go down well with pubescent girls and the gays. It’d be great to have a Disco Songs With No Bloody Ballads week. With a bunch of male backing dancers, all shaved and oiled. Well, back to the actual show this week..

Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey both chose Police songs. I have to say grudgingly that Phil’s was good as he kept it simple and didn’t come on stage all eyes bulging, though he did have yet another hat on. Just be bald and proud, Phil! Chris Sligh’s song was a mess however, Gwen warned him during his rehearsal that he was all over the place and not keeping in time with the music and Chris hadn’t improved by the time of the live show. He kinda looked bored too. Paula told him to “stay in the pocket”, whatever the heck that means.


Haley Scarnato sang a bland version of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colours”. At least she dressed a bit more demurely this week and wasn’t jiggling all over the place. She ignored Gwen’s advice to keep it simple and stick to the melody and, of course, she got trounced for trying too hard. Her voice simply isn’t up to Mariah style acrobatics. Jordin Sparks sang No Doubt’s “Hey Baby”. Jordin isn’t my favourite singer, but I do like her song choices as she’s willing to try something different and go outside her comfort zone. Awful outfit though, she looked like a chunky cheerleader.

Chris Richardson sang another No Doubt song, “Don’t Speak”. I love this song and Chris did a decent version. He listened to Gwen’s advice and wasn’t tempted to add too many of his vocal ticks and bits of “business”. Blake Lewis was another one who kept things nice and simple and our Blakelicious sang a sweet version of The Cure’s “Love Song”. Simon said afterwards that Blakelicious was now the frontrunner amongst the men and I agree. I’ve always been partial to a bit of Blake.

Gina Glockson sang The Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You” and it was easily my favourite performance. The song really suited her voice and she looked good with bad-ass, kickin’ boots. I haven’t really liked Gina so far, but this performace was terrific.


And now, Sanjaya Malakar. As Simon says, what can you now say about Sanjaya? It no longer really matters how well he sings, his ability to attract votes and stay in the competition has left Randy speechless. At least the judges aren’t as openly hostile as they were in the beginning when they just seemed embarrassed to have Sanjaya around. And that hair! You can always rely on Sanjaya to do something super crazy with the hair. I actually liked his performance. I think his very casual, laid back singing style rankles the judges. I kinda like it though. At least the kid always sings on pitch.!

My favourite tonight was Gina, least favourite.. probably Chris Sligh or Haley Scarnato. Let’s see how America voted, as Ryan would say in his usual stiff and charmless manner..

Super crazy Sanjaya Malakar sports super crazy mohawk on this week's American Idol

Just when you thought things couldn't get any loopier, Sanjaya appeared on American Idol this week with his craziest hair style yet! I haven't seen the show yet (we get it on Fridays in the UK) but I was sent these photographs as a sneak preview by a reader who knows what a huge Fanjaya I am. I have to say, I kinda like it! I think Sanjaya looks good with the hair off his face. And I love the outfit, very Ricky Martin!


You know, the other contestants must really hate Sanjaya. I know I would. Who cares how well any of the others sing when you've got Sanjaya with his super crazy hair?