When a kiss is just a kiss

I was reading an article about relationships called Touching shouldn't always mean sex in The Times earlier today:

There's a lesson for us all in the recent story of a couple who had been married for 80 years. They wisely put their relationship success down to sharing a kiss and cuddle every night before bed.

From the moment a baby is born, touch is important to developing healthy bonds.

Those without this bond show emotional withdrawal from the world, developing into adults who find intimacy difficult. And many men, even those from loving families, remember that they came to a certain age, say 9 or 10, and were positively discouraged from asking for a hug from their mum.

These issues leave many couples with a touch of a problem.

I was in a relationships years ago with a guy who had issues with touching in bed. He was alright when it came to initiating sex, but he had no interest whatsoever in just cuddling or kissing - it was either full on sex or no contact at all. He'd always wear pyjamas and I don't recall him ever being naked in bed, apart from the times we were having sex. If you like, it was a relationship with regular sexual activity but without any kind of physical intimacy.

Of course, that relationship died a well deserved death, but it must be difficult for those who continue in relationships where their partner simply doesn't understand that contact in bed needn't necessarily lead to sex. Sometimes it's nice just to be held naked in someone's arms and have a bit of a kiss and cuddle. ;o)

How to avoid the imperfect man

Oh, I love this article in the New York Times. Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest who has been giving a lecture for forty years to high school seniors about those warning signs which tell you who NOT to marry. It's a bit like girly relationship talk with the bitches from Sex and the City, but with an old Catholic guy instead. You can read the full article by clicking on the link above, but if you can't be bothered with that, here's a selection of some of his gems:

“Never marry a man who has no friends. This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands.

Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy?

Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.

Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings?

Does he have a sense of humor?

A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive.

Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.

Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him.."

I have to admit that there's some pretty good advice there and if I'd been sat down and given a good talking to from Father Connor, I definitely wouldn't have made some of the relationship mistakes I've made. I wonder if he has a version specifically for the gays. Some of us could do with help! ;o)

As a footnote, at the end of this lecture the students normally protest that if they follow his advice they'll end up eliminating everyone. Father Connor's reply: "Life is unfair." Ooh, that's harsh.

Liquid Gold - "poppers" and the twink

Eew, look what I found today as I was using the outside table to do some potting - a bottle of skanky "poppers". What's that all about, did someone feel like partying like it's 1999? I didn't even know that the kids still used these. The last time I saw some poppers was when one of my ex's cunting friends threw some in my eyes.

I've never seen a bottle around the apartment before, so I guess that they must have been left behind by my flatmate's current squeeze, along with his cigarette lighter and butt-ends. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the Romance of the Year seems to be back on, though mercifully they're taking things slowly and the twink is around a lot less often.

And just look what he did to the candle - he used it as an ashtray. Skank!

My Big Gay Frat House - the update

Remember my post earlier this week about my flatmate's new squeeze who was spending all his time staying over at our apartment? If you don't, go and read it now. I'll wait.

Well, I've got an update about it. My flatmate was chatting to me last night during dinner and said that they'd broken up. Oh, I just knew I only had to sweat it out for the magic gay three week point to pass. That's the average for gay relationships, right?

It turns out that my flatmate was also fed up with this guy spending all his time at ours and said that it was never his idea to invite him so much, but that the guy would invite himself and turn up with an overnight bag. I had a feeling that the guy was just using the place as a hotel as we live so near his work, but you know what it's like, you can't actually say something like that. Anyway, they had a big argument the other night and this guy had stormed out and it ends up that they're just going to try and remain friends. It's sad that relationship ended, but even I could see that things weren't right.

The thing that concerned me over the past couple of weeks was that my flatmate didn't do any of his usual things. He used to go to the gym at night, or see friends, or watch Top Model with me during dinner, but he'd ended up just coming straight home from work and spending two hours making dinner and tidying up for this guy. At times I felt like tapping him on the head and asking: "Hello, what's happened to YOU?"

You know, there's a big difference between allowing someone into your life and allowing them to take it over. Oh dear, I'm beginning to feel like I'm turning into Oprah. Well, maybe a skinny white version. ;o)

It's like living in a great big gay frat house!

Um, I'm getting a bit fed up at the moment. You see, my flatmate is seeing a new guy, which all good and I'm very happy for him, but the thing is, they're spending an awful lot of time just hanging out at our apartment, eating microwaved dinners and watching DVDs. While I'm aware that one has to be flexible about these things when living with a flatmate, it's starting to get annoying.

The thing is, I was just thinking about it this morning and I worked out that over the past ten days, my flatmate's new squeeze has slept over at our apartment no less than nine days! Sure, I know what it's like when you first meet someone and you're all excited and you can't see enough of them etc, but the current situation strikes me as a little odd. It's way too much way too soon.

I wouldn't mind so much if my flatmate slept over at his (the squeeze's) place once or twice, but he doesn't, all the romancing happens at our apartment. Whatever happened to going out for dinner, or going to the cinema or whatever? If a guy only offered me heated-up meals and a night in front of the telly at his, I'd start looking elsewhere - stat!

What really tipped me over the edge this weekend was when my flatmate had invited one of his friends to sleep over on Saturday night. We don't have a spare bedroom so he slept on a mattress on the floor in the living room which meant that we ended up with the living room and kitchen being out of bounds until he woke up on the Sunday. Like I said, it's starting to feel like I'm living in a great big gay frat house - only without the hot sex.

I'm getting way too old for all this. Yeah, I know what you're thinking - I'm probably just bitter and jealous because I sure ain't getting any!

Are you are Top or a Bottom in your relationship?

I was reading an interesting article in the New York Times today about how researchers looking for insights into married relationships have ended up examining same-sex relationships:

A growing body of evidence shows that same-sex couples have a great deal to teach everyone else about marriage and relationships. Most studies show surprisingly few differences between committed gay couples and committed straight couples, but the differences that do emerge have shed light on the kinds of conflicts that can endanger heterosexual relationships...

Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.

While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.

That's all very well, but take it from me that not all same-sex relationships are egalitarian. Not naming any names of course, but I was in one relationship where I was very much placed in the wife role. In fact, looking back I think he may as well just married a woman. All he seemed to want was someone to cook, clean and shop for him!

What happens when your ex blogs about your relationship?

I was browsing through the New York Times earlier today at work and one article really caught my eye: When the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Aired. The article examines what happens when you're in a relationship (or recently out of one) and you find out that your partner has been blogging all about your intimate life:

"...in an era when more than one in 10 adult Internet users in the United States have blogs... many people are using the Web to tell their side of a marital saga. Despite the legal end of a marriage, the confessions can stretch toward eternity in a steady stream of enraged or despondent postings."

Some partners end up attempting to sue their partners in an attempt to remove the blog content but, according to the article at least, there has been little success in doing this.

Someone once said to me that, despite what appearances may be, no one ever truly knows what goes on in a relationship behind closed doors except the people who are in that relationship. Now, thanks to blogging, we can somewhat have an insight to what goes on. One-sided perhaps, but we're definitely invited to take a peek through the keyhole or hold a glass up to the wall.

When I started this blog over a year ago, it was so I could have my own space to write about the things that interested me, from telly shows to favourite actors, music or whatever videogame I happened to be playing. I also had the occasional personal post about what was happening in the relationship I was in at the time. The personal stuff wasn't the focus of the blog, in fact it probably took up no more than 1% of the content.

You won't find any of that content today though. The ex that I had written about stumbled across this blog, was very upset about the views that I had expressed and demanded that I removed all content which had any reference to our past relationship. Since my intention with this blog wasn't to upset anyone, I agreed to remove this content which must've taken me all of five minutes to do, seeing as there was so little of it.

It was difficult for me to remove it though, as I felt that the personal content was good for the blog and allowed some insight into what was going through my head at the time. I read other blogs from all over the world which have plenty of day to day personal content and it seemed a shame to remove what little I had managed to write in my own.

So, what do you think about this issue? Should we put everything in our blogs, even at the risk of hurting the feelings of the people around us? Or should we edit out all the personal stuff?

What does your bookcase say about you?

It was yet another dull day at work so I was browsing the New York Times and found this article which amused me. In a piece entitled "It’s Not You, It’s Your Books" in which Rachel Donadio writes about our reactions to the bookshelf choices of our new lovers and how their favourite authors can end up being a dealbreaker:

“I did have to break up with one guy because he was very keen on Ayn Rand,” said Laura Miller, a book critic for Salon. ““He was sweet and incredibly decent despite all the grandiosely heartless ‘philosophy’ he espoused, but it wasn’t even the ideology that did it. I just thought Rand was a hilariously bad writer, and past a certain point I couldn’t hide my amusement.”

You know, I do this all the time and, although I'm all for cultural diversity and I'm perfectly willing to overlook that someone doesn't know who Carson McCullers is, or has never read a book by E L Doctorow, I have to agree with Ms Miller for breaking up with someone just because they like Ayn Rand. It's quite right and quite proper! Although I'd like to think that I would've already recognised the tell-tale signs of self-absorbed melodrama and fascist tendencies without having to peruse their bookshelf.

Illustation: "Bookshelf" painting in acrylic by Jessica Gregory

Jane Fonda "My Life So Far"

I've just finished Jane Fonda's autobiography "My Life So Far". It's a thick ol' book so I'd been putting off reading it, but I saw one of her films on the telly recently and it intrigued me sufficiently to pick it up and start reading. It's very well written and as far as I can tell it is actually written by Fonda herself and not dictated to a ghost writer. There is an immediacy about her writing and her voice jumps off the page. I could hear her distinctive voice with each line I read.

Obviously, as the daughter of Henry Fonda, she met many famous actors throughout her life, but I particularly enjoyed her stories about two ladies in particular - Katharine Hepburn during the filming of "On Golden Pond" and Greta Garbo whom she met while on holiday as a teenager with her father in the South of France.

Fonda describes the various different people she became throughout her life, from young comic actress to sex bomb Barbarella, to political activist and anti-war campaigner, back to acting and becoming the top leading lady of American cinema in the seventies with two Academy Awards and huge box-office success as a film producer, then came the Jane Fonda Workout business and videotapes followed by her retirement from acting to focus on her third marriage.

What she also talks about at length and very candidly is the relationships she had with her three husbands. I've always liked Jane Fonda and admired her courage and outspoken views, but what I hadn't realised is how submissive she was in her marriages. With all three of them she describes how she lost herself while trying to please her husbands and ended up forgetting who she was while moulding herself into the wife that her husbands wanted her to become.

She doesn't bitch and moan about her husbands and she managed to remain friends with all three of them, but at times it doesn't make for comfortable reading, though there is a very funny scene where Fonda describes how she caught her third husband Ted Turner cheating on her after only one month of marriage and she beats him over the head with her car phone. Sassy lady!

She's made two films since "retiring" fifteen years ago. Neither of them were particularly good, but at least it's got Fonda acting again. I can't stand it when actors just fade away and I still love seeing older actors in films like Fonda, Julie Christie and Vanessa Redgrave. My favourite Fonda film? I've always liked "The China Syndrome" with its anti-nuclear message and I've always been a sucker for those paranoid political thrillers from the Seventies. Also, Fonda has the best hair in this film, bright Brenda Starr red hair, plus she has a pet turtle!

My flatmate's complicated weekend

My flatmate has a lot of friends, but some of them aren't really friends, if you know what I mean. You see, my friends are just that, friends. My friends have never seen my cock and ass and that's just how I like things. For me, a friend is not someone that I'm sexually intimate with. Anyone I sleep with is either described as a boyfriend, partner or "current squeeze". My flatmate, however, has a lot of friends that somehow always end up sleeping over at weekends, but we don't have a spare bedroom.

I don't mind, but it used to confuse me when he said one of his friends was popping around. I'd be thinking that it'd just be for coffee or having a go on Wii Sports, but oh no, I'd be chatting away but they'd soon make their excuses and retire to the bedroom while I'd busy myself watching America's Next Top Model in the sitting room.

The thing is, he outdid himself this weekend. He invited one friend around on Friday night and this guy hung around until late afternoon on Saturday before leaving. Then a second one came down all the way from Scotland an hour or so later and stayed all weekend. I mean, I'm trying not to judge, he's single and as far as I know so are all these friends so no one's getting hurt or compromised by this, but I just find his terminology confusing. Why can't he just refer to them as shags if that's what they are.

I'm half expecting him to install a revolving door, or maybe a turnstile with numbered tickets: "Next!" But I jest. Maybe, just a little bit. Oh, by the way, I had fun trying to find a photograph to illustrate this post. I put gay open relationship multiple partners into Google search and got lots of delightful images to sort through!

Love me, love my food

This article in the New York Times about eating habits and relationships caught my eye:

"Sharing meals has always been an important courtship ritual and a metaphor for love. But in an age when many people define themselves by what they will eat and what they won’t, dietary differences can put a strain on a romantic relationship. The culinary camps have become so balkanized that some factions consider interdietary dating taboo.

No-holds-barred carnivores, for example, may share the view of Anthony Bourdain, who wrote in his book “Kitchen Confidential” that “vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans ... are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit.”

Returning the compliment, many vegetarians say they cannot date anyone who eats meat. Vegans, who avoid eating not just animals but animal-derived products, take it further, shivering at the thought of kissing someone who has even sipped honey-sweetened tea."

I'm not a proper vegetarian as I will have fish or seafood from time to time (it gets boring just being offered mushroom risotto in restaurants..), but I haven't eaten any meat since I was a teenager. There's no morality about it, I just never liked meat and rarely agreed to eat it, much to my Mom's annoyance. The poor thing always had to prepare a separate dish for me for dinner. Bless.

Anyway, thinking about it, I haven't been in a relationship with a fellow non-meat eater. In fact, it's not something that I would ever even bother to ask someone at that awkward early dating stage when you're silently appraising your future partner and ticking off all those boxes in your head. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to kiss someone with a mouth full of burger, but as long as they brush their teeth after eating, I'm good to go. That's not too fussy, right?

Apparently, there's a term for those vegetarians or vegans who don't enter into relationships with meat-eaters. They are being called vegansexual. They believe in “cruelty-free sex” which means that they refuse to have sex with anyone who eats meat. Oh, I don't know about all this. I'm all for saving the planet and being environmentally friendly and all, but I kinda think that anyone who practices vegansexuality probably has more issues to deal with that the fact that their partner ate a pork chop for dinner!

Just a thought about Greg Norman's £50 million divorce

Greg Norman has recently agreed his divorce settlement with his wife to the tune of £50 million! Nice deal for the wife, don't you think? Greg's not happy about it though, and neither are his lawyers. In a statement, his lawyers said: "The wife did not teach the husband to swing a golf club. The wife did not teach the husband to win." Meow! Get that lawyer a saucer of milk.

Sure the wife, as the lawyer calls Laura Norman, didn't win any golf tournaments, but I bet she sure as hell contributed in other ways. She was married to him for twenty eight years, gave birth to and raised two children, and no doubt did more than her fair share of cooking and cleaning while her husband was off playing golf.

Everyone dislikes a gold digger who marries a rich man and expects to take half their money once they divorce, but who'd begrudge Laura Norman getting her share of Greg's money now they're getting divorced? If anyone deserves some compensation, it's her. I mean, just look at him. I reckon she's more than earned it.

By the way, Chris Evert is looking pretty hot wouldn't you say?

Five signs that your boyfriend may be cheating on you

When I was looking for a photograph to illustrate my previous post, I chanced upon this article. I'm quoting the entire article (with corrected spelling) as it seemed pointless to just quote a few lines:

"A cheating boyfriend can cause tension in any relationship. Everyone hopes their partnership is built on trust, but what happens when that bond is broken and you suspect your boyfriend is cheating? Here are a few signs:

Suspicious Computer Activity - These days, it's easy to meet men in chat rooms, forums or on instant messenger. Have you seen a suspicious name in your IM window or an unknown chat site in your browser history? A little digging can go a long way. Be careful trying to be a super snooper, though, and give your man space. It's just as easy to meet friends online as it is love interests. Your partner may just be reaching out for other gay people to talk to.

Sudden Changes in Schedule - Some men may be spontaneous, but most of us keep a set schedule or standard routine in some form or another. This is especially true for day-to-day activities. Has your man's routine suddenly changed without you knowing why? Did his working hours increase or does he have a new gym schedule? Things often change in our lives. In turn, we decide to try and impress our bosses by working overtime or resolve that it's finally time to get into shape. But what raises suspicion is how these changes are communicated to you. Was the decision made without your input? Was there an attempt to include you? Are there any signs of progress?

Emotional Distance - It's normal for the intensity of your relationship to decrease after you've been together for a while. There may have been a time when you couldn't bear to leave each others' sight and now you both enjoy your time alone. This isn't a sign that he is cheating, only that the relationship is starting to settle into a loving and comfortable phase. Nonetheless, take note of any emotional distancing. Has he stopped listening or laughing? Does he seem distant or spacey, almost as if he's preoccupied? Take note if your partner is there physically, but not quite "there" mentally.

Less Time Together - Just as the intensity of a relationship dwindles slightly over time, so may the time you spend together. But spending less time with each other shouldn't be confused with spending no time at all. Don't react too swiftly. Who knows, his company may be ready to close on a huge deal and they need him around the clock. Or there may be some other legitimate circumstance that demands his attention. Many huge time commitments like these don't last for long periods of time and make sense. He may be working 14 hour days, but does he also leave home on weekends? Look for the unreasonable and unexplainable time commitments.

Instinct - Mom always said follow your instincts and this is a time when that motherly voice can come in handy. If your gut tells you that something is wrong or that some other guy has captured your man's attention, then go with it. But take caution with how far you follow these feelings. Ask yourself if they are legitimate concerns or if you yourself are lacking trust.

These tips aren't meant to turn your trusting relationship into a game of hide and go seek and there are always exceptions. Trust first, but don't ignore the warning signs. If there are just too many inconsistencies for comfort, then communicate them to your man directly. Don't let him hear of your suspicions from a friend. Also, try not to be accusatory. Simply tell him how his behavior makes you feel. He may be dealing with other issues that have nothing to do with cheating on you with another man."

It may be perverse to include this here, considering the accusations of cheating that I've been through lately, but I thought it was an interesting article nevertheless. For what it's worth, I feel that once the trust goes out of a relationship, then there's not much left in the relationship. I've never been the suspicious type and I haven't done any of the things listed above. It may be nothing more than blind faith, but you've gotta have something like it for a relationship to work.

Source

Just when I thought I was successfully moving on..

How important is it to say "I Love You"?

Dlisted reports that Angelina Jolie told Marie Claire magazine that she doesn't think she's ever seriously said "I love you" to Brad Pitt. She said, "I don't think we've ever said (I love you). I mean, I'm sure we have, but we would have to punch each other in the arm first."

I hope Angelina Jolie does tell Brad Pitt that she loves him. That shit's important.